Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the National Football League. Therefore, they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team to help save jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

 

[moreluck]

Occupation ??

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to
ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number,
etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?"


The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."


The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That
is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude.Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with
being a whore or a call girl?".


"Well, I raised over 700 little peckers last year."

 

[traveler]

DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

4) The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

5) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

6) Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

7) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

8) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

9) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner.

10) I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

11) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

12) Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

13) My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

14) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?



15) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

16) Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

17) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.

18) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because, "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

20) Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

 

[traveler]

The cork


Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"


"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.


The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, 'I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'"


I said, "No smile! ?"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Mississippi School Absentee Report



I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real
notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings
have been left intact.)
----------------------------------------------
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.
----------------------------------------------
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.
----------------------------------------------
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32, and also 33.
----------------------------------------------
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
----------------------------------------------
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of
a tree and misplaced his hip.
----------------------------------------------
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
----------------------------------------------
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt
in he growing part.
----------------------------------------------
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.
----------------------------------------------
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side
----------------------------------------------
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
----------------------------------------------
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea)
(direathe) the s. [Words In ( ) were crossed out.
----------------------------------------------
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.
----------------------------------------------
Irving was absent yesterdy because he missed his bust.
----------------------------------------------
Pease excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
----------------------------------------------
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
don't know what size she wear.
----------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.
----------------------------------------------
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
----------------------------------------------
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.
----------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could
not breed well.
----------------------------------------------
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
----------------------------------------------
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
----------------------------------------------
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
----------------------------------------------
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I
wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something
going around, her father even got hot last night.

 

[moreluck]

David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex

#10 - A below par performance is considered good.
#9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of
beers.

#8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7 - Foursomes are encouraged.

#6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5 - Three times a day is possible.

#4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

#3 - If you live in Arizona, you can do it every day.

#2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

and best of all................

#1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

 

[moreluck]

What do you call a young...

Antelope: calf
Bear: cub
Beasts of prey: whelp
Beaver: kit
Birds: fledgling, nestling
Cat: kitten
Codfish: codling, sprat
Cow: calf
Deer: fawn, yearling
Dog: pup, puppy
Duck: duckling
Eagle: eaglet
Eel: elver
Elephant: calf
Elephant seal: weaner
Fish: fry
Fowl: chick, chicken
Fox: cub, pup
Frog: polliwog, tadpole
Goat: kid
Goose: gosling
Grouse: cheeper
Guinea fowl: keet
Hawk: eyas
Hen: pullet
Hippo: calf
Horse: foal, yearling, or colt (male), filly (female)
Kangaroo: joey
Lion: cub
Owl: owlet
Partridge: cheeper
Pig: piglet, shoat, farrow, suckling
Pigeon: squab, squeaker
Quail: cheeper
Rabbit: bunny, kit
Rat: kitten
Rhino: calf
Rooster: cockerel
Salmon: parr, smolt, grilse
Seal: pup
Shark: cub
Sheep: lamb, lambkins
Swan: cygnet
Tiger: cub, whelp
Turkey: poult
Whale: calf
Zebra: foal

 

[moreluck]

SOME HUMOROUS SIGNS...


Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men.

Beauty is only a light switch away.




If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.



Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's
"Hi, how are you?"




Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.


No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font>.
(Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC)


At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
(Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ)

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
(Written in the dust
on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ)


Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
(Women's restroom)
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
(Revolution Books
New York, New York.)


If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
(Men's restroom
House of Representatives, Washington, DC)

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
(Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ)


You're too good for him.
(Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA).


No wonder you always go home alone.
(Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA)


and my favorite, and most realistic one...


A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
(Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX)

 

[traveler]

Subject: Blonde Joke

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed.. "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

 

[traveler]

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

<><><><><><><>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

<><><><><><><>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says . .

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.



<><><><><><><>

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

 

[traveler]

Two Jewish sisters-in-law (Ruth and Golda) meet on the street.

Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. Its past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you.

"So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."

 

[moreluck]

THE 5 STAGES OF A FEMALE'S LIFE


1. To Grow Up

2. To Fill Out

3. To Slim Down

4. To Hold It In

AND


5. To Hell with it

 

[moreluck]

Points To Ponder

1. Is it true that the only difference between a yardsale and a trash
pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

2. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?


5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"?
How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to
stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down
to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first
try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles
are always white?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Golf Advice

About two hours into a golf game, my friend asked if I wanted advice on how to shave ten strokes off my game. Considering I had played poorly that day, I was only too happy to receive some helpful hints. "Don't play the last hole," he said.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: The Farmer's Blonde Wife

Jennifer, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer.
One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer
says to Jennifer, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the A.I. man arrives and knocks on the front door. Jennifer takes him down the barn.
They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

 

[traveler]

A new wine for seniors...............

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new
hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the
number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: teaching hospital

Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time. I was in the recovery room, and saw a bunch of students gather around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously well endowed.

Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats, while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia, by using a simple stethoscope.

The first student approached her calmly and proceeded to listen intently. The group was silent for a moment. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.

 

[bwattsgcc]

How to deal with Jackasses

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take It out on
someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you
DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I
politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that
rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two
digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on
my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled
"You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me
up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment
for me, as I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his
number, and then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of
the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,
"That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever
anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial xxx-xxxx.

*** WAIT IT'S NOT OVER!!! ***

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think
she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly
back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I
thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the aisle in
the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You
can't just do that. Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely
ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself,
this guy's a jackass; there are sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For
Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after
calling xxx-xxxx and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have
his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro
lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone
answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for
sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street.
It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My
name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the
phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two
jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on
them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought
and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass # 1. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you
still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your
name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a
yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don.
You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared. Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever
find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your ass." "Well, here's your chance. I'm
coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the
police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as
soon as he got home. I made another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on
down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to
watch the whole thing. Glorious!

Watching two Jackasses kicking the @$*?*! out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a
police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

 

[moreluck]

Now there are more overweight people in America than average- weight people. So overweight people are now average. You've met your last years New Year's resolution

 

[traveler]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.