Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Subject: Oh, so new!

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right. "So tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: old ladies

My husband and I have our two mothers sharing a double room in our community seniors' home. One is 96, mentally alert, but has little sight; the other is 90, in good health, but is often confused and totally devoid of memory retention or recall. Together, they complement each other's handicaps and help each other: one relates the messages; the other relates the vision.

While out on a drive one day, my mother was describing the passing scene, and said to my mother-in-law, "Too bad you aren't able to see all this."

My mother-in-law quickly replied: "That's all right. At least I'll remember where I've been."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Golf - pearls of wisdom




Golf balls are like eggs ... they're white. They're sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard?

Golf is by far the ultimate love / hate relationship. Sometimes it seems as though your cup runneth and moveth over.

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer eat hot dogs and fart while performing brain surgery.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine!

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Preacher Ouch

I was talking to my preacher I noticed he had cut himself shaving. I asked him about it. He said he was concentrating on his sermon and nicked his chin. I told him next time to concentrate on what he was doing and cut his sermon.

 

[traveler]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the dinning room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?" "Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today.."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Who in the hell thinks up these things?????

Situations you may find yourself in AND the orgasms you may encounter...

Sex in a boat -- oar-gasms.

Sex with a nerd -- dork-gasms.

Sex at the entrance to your house -- door-gasms.

Sex on carpet or linoleum -- floor-gasms.

Sex at the supermarket -- store-gasms.

Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.

Sex with a prostitute -- whore-gasms.

Sex with an accountant -- bore-gasms.

Sex while sleeping -- snore-gasms.

Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.

Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.

Sex while broke -- poor-gasms.

Sex with a lion -- roar-gasms.

Sex for hours and hours on end -- sore-gasms.

Sex on a golf course -- fore-gasms.

Sex with a nymphomaniac -- more-gasms.

Sex in a gold mine -- ore-gasms.

Sex with a dermatologist -- pore-gasms.

Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.

Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers -- s'more- gasms.

Sex with a bullfighter -- toreador-gasms.

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword -- zorro-gasms.

Sex on the beach -- shore-gasms.

Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet -- smorgasbord-gasms.

Sex on a cruise ship deck -- shuffleboard-gasms.

Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.

Sex among the wonders of nature -- outdoor-gasms.

Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can -- odor-gasms.

Sex on the way to the train -- 'All Aboard'-gasms.

Sex that wasn't very satisfying -- 'There's the door'-gasms.

Sex in an adult theater -- hard-core-gasms.

Sex with someone who's not paying attention -- ignore-gasms.

Sex with a competitive partner -- score-gasms.

Sex while flying -- soar-gasms.

Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.

Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.

Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.

Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.

Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.

Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.

Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.

Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.

Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.

Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.

Sex on mushrooms - spore-gasms

Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.

Sex during Jacques Cousteau documentaries - explore-gasms.

Sex during WWII war movies - Tora Tora Tora-gasms.

Sex with Hockey players - Bobby Orr-gasms

Sex for Premature Ejaculators - before-gasms

Sex with Salesmen - door-to-door-gasms

Selfish men have - I-got-mine-you-get-your-gasms"

 

[traveler]

You might be a Floridian or live therd:

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color

You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"

Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

You now own 5 large ice chests

Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street

You're depressed when they don't stop

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags

You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric

And finally, you might be a Floridian if:

You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!

 

[moreluck]

What's Wrong With This Scenario??

Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened!

Do you remember?

1. In 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Lenno
c. Harry Potter
d. A Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and
massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in
Lebanon
by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70
year
old
American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his
wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy
diver
trying to
rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed
by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women
problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as
missiles to take
out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed
into the US
Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the
passengers.Thousands of
people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Nope, ....I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling,
do you?

So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be
allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members
of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave
Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone because of profiling.

Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds and
other dunder-headed attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of themselves - if they have any
such sense.

As the writer of the award winning story "Forrest Gump" so aptly
put it,
"Stupid is as stupid does."

Come on people wake up!!!
Keep this going. Pass it on to everyone in your address book.
Our Country and our troops need our support!

 

[moreluck]

"I've always wanted to spend money lavishly, but I certainly never thought it would be on sugar, milk, bread, and mayonnaise."

 

[moreluck]

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[traveler]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: DMV

After spending three and a half hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the DMV."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

 

[moreluck]

RULES FOR CUTTING YOUR OWN FIREWOOD:

1. Park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall.

2. It helps to notch the tree away from the truck.

3. The fact that you live within driving distance of a forest does not make you a lumberjack.

4. Just to be on the safe side, always borrow your buddy's truck

 

[moreluck]

You Know You Grew Up In The 80s or Early 90s If:


1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "Psych".

2. You watched the Pound Puppies.

3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair" and you can do the "Carlton".

4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.

5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.

6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.

7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom.

8. You know what Parachute Pants look like and feel like.

9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock".

10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.

11. You can sing the entire theme song to "DuckTales " (Woo ooh!)

12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday Morning to watch cartoons.

13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.

14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen... and still know the turtle's names.

15. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.

16. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.

17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House).

18. You wore a stonewashed Jordache jean jacket and were proud of it.

19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?

20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM". (She's truly outrageous.)

21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books.

22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF".

23. You wanted to be a Goonie.

24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.

25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail kids in the schoolyard.

28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence.

30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.

31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.

32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.

33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.

35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying, "I know you are, but what am I?"

36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.

39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.

40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald's.

41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.

42. You remember Popples.

43. Your motto was "Don't worry, be happy."

44. You wore like, FOUR pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.

45. You wore socks scrunched down and over your tight jeans.

46. You remember boom boxes. . and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

47. You remember watching both "Gremlins " movies.

48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"

49. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony".

50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB".

53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.

54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

55. You just sang those words to yourself.

56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.

57. Homemade Levi shorts. (the shorter the better)

58. You remember when mullets were cool!

59. Frizzy hair was IN.

60. You still sing "We are the World"

61. You tight rolled your jeans.

62. You owned a bannana clip.

63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"

64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?"

65. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!!!

 

[traveler]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more Then he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and
> today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Fw: Too Old to Drive
(I like the 2nd one)


SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE

It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

It scares you to drive the speed limit.

The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

You use cruise control at 25 mph.

You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.

 

[moreluck]

Why It's Great To Be A Dog

1. No one expects you to take a bath every day.

2. Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner or anything else for that matter.

3. When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

4. If it itches, you can reach it.

5. And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.

6. It doesn't bother you if your favorite television show is a rerun.

7. You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive.

8. April 15 means nothing to you.

9. People at drive-through windows never charge you for treats.

10. Your friends don't think less of you for passing gas.

11. A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.

12. No one gets mad if you fall asleep while they're talking.

13. As an adult, it's OK if you haven't "amounted to anything" except being a dog.

14. The older you get, the more people respect you.

15. You can sleep late every day.

16. If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

17. You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap.

18. There's no such thing as bad food.

19. You don't have to worry about good table manners.

20. Someone else combs your hair.

21. People think you're normal if you stick your head out the window to feel the wind in your hair.

22. You're always excited to see the same old people.

23. Having big feet is considered an asset.

24. If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

25. Everything smells good to you.

26. A garbage can is a fast-food stop.

27. No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet.

28. No matter where you live, you own the place.

29. Your mate never complains because you whine.

30. Puppy love can last.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: The Garage

Wayne, a friend of mine, owns an auto-repair business. One day a woman called to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied. "bring it right in."

A short time later, the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.

"Wow!" Remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."

She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"

 

[moreluck]

The Perfect Man


The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man.

After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named.... MR. POTATO HEAD.

He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing.

And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

 

[moreluck]

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."