Heard any good ones?

[mojobuc]

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think! that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the
dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a
weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Divorce

Divorced and having lost her house, Karen managed to rent a cramped camper at the local RV park for herself and five-year-old Joshua. It was only a little better than living out of their car, and she wished with all her heart that she could provide more for her child.

One evening, after their ritual of giggling over a table game and reading stories, Karen sent her son outside to play until bedtime. She glanced out the window when she heard voices "Say Josh, don't you wish you had a real home?" asked the campground manager. Karen tensed and held her breath as she leaned nearer the open window. A smile slowly spread across her face when she heard Joshua's response.

"We already have a real home," he said "It's just that we don't have a house to put it in."

 

[moreluck]

One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel'.

Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.

The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"

A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"

 

[moreluck]

Announcing These New Book Releases.....

- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace

- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff

- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow

- "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep

- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty

- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel

- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent

- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate

- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung

- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago

- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud

- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter

- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples

- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Irish Catholic



:
>>
>> An Irish daughter had not been to the house for
>> over 5 years. Upon her
>> return, her father cussed her: " Where have you
>> been all this time, you
>> ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line
>> to let us know how you
>> were doing? Why didn't you call? You little
>> tramp! Don't you know what you
>> put your Mum through??!!"
>>
>> The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...
>> Dad... I became a prostitute..."
>>
>> "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot!
>> Sinner! You're a disgrace to
>> this family. I don't ever want to see you again!"
>>
>> "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give
>> Mom this luxury fur coat,
>> title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a
>> savings account certificate for 5 million.
>> For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for
>> you Daddy the spanking new
>> Mercedes limited edition convertible that is
>> parked outside plus a lifetime
>> membership to the Country Club.
>> And an invitation for you all to spend New Years'
>> Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera."
>>
>> "Now what was it you said you had become?"
>>
>> Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A
>> prostitute, Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
>>
>> "Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death,
>> girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come
>> here and give your old man a hug!"

 

[jcroche]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!

 

[traveler]

Subject: Hawaian Vacation





Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really
outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they
went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs,enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came
walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning,Father. Good
Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she
passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous
outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.!

Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to
enjoy the sunshine.After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing
a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning,Father. Good morning,
Father." and started to walk away.

One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a Minute
young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did
you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Katherine." she replied.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Health Club

Five mornings a week, my husband goes to the health club, gets on the stair-stepper, sets the timer, and buries his nose in a book. Recently, he noticed an amazingly fit middle-aged woman who seemed to run circles around everyone, took few breaks, and rarely even broke a sweat.

"It's not fair," he complained. "By the time I'm dragging myself off to the showers, she's hopping back onto the stepper for yet *another* session!"

One day he came home with a sheepish grin.

"Well," he said, "I just found out -- they're identical twins."

 

[traveler]

A man went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First thing the dentist says to him, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."


The man replies, "No, please don't do that! I'm absolutely terrified of needles!"



The dentist said, "Okay, I'll use gas to put you out."



The man says, "No, you can't do that, either. I'm allergic to the gas."



So the dentist said, "Hang on a minute, I'll go look for something else." After a bit, he came back with a couple of pills.



The man asks, "What kind of pills are these?"



The dentist said, "Viagra."



The guy said, "What? Why these?"



The dentist said, "Look, they won't do <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> for pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your damn tooth."

 

[moreluck]

The following are different answers given by

school-age children to the given questions:


Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape
is.

2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more
people.

3. Mostly to clean the house.

4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.



How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. He made my mom just the same like he made me. He
just used bigger parts.



Why did God give you your mother and not some other
mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other
people's moms like me.



What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair

and everything nice in the world, and one dab of
mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.



What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that
other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess
would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.



How did your mom meet your dad?

1. Mom was working in a store and dad was
shoplifting.


What did mom need to know about dad before she
married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a
crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?



Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And
my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking
cap on.



What makes a real woman?

1. It means you have to be really bossy without
looking bossy.



Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to
because dads such a goofball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the
stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot
more to do than dad.



What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just
got to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring
them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all
the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep
over at your friend's.



What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.



What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

1. About 30 years.

2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!



Describe the world's greatest mom?

1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!

2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me
kiss my fat aunts!

3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to
herself.



Is anything about your mom perfect?

1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from
the dentist.

2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.

3. Just her children



What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I
think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.



If you could change one thing about your mom, what
would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room
clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it
was my sister who did it and not me.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: 3 Ducks


Three ducks walked into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" asked the bartender to the first duck.

"Huey," replied the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said the duck.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So, how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Bible

A father often read Bible stories to his young children.

One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

 

[moreluck]

year 2029


* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.

* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

* Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

* Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

* France pleads for global help after being over taken by Jamaica.


* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


* 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.



* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.



* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.



* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.


* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

* Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

And last but certainly not the least... (I love it)..

* Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.

 

[moreluck]

A Cold Day in Hell


A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.

The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity.

At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind.

At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.

When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell - the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!"

 

[moreluck]

"When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Bragging Paramedics

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by 10%."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20%."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

 

[traveler]

A few minutes before the church services started, the towns-people were
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said; "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man. "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

 

[traveler]

Subject: Earthquake in Mexico


A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

 

[moreluck]

Thoughts to ponder.....

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Do you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

 

[traveler]

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, roosters it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."