Heard any good ones?

[traveler]

Lottery Winnings



A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"



The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"



"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

 

[moreluck]

Boys and Girls Are Born Equal But Not the Same

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is a mess. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls grow into women. Boys grow into bigger boys.

 

[traveler]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning.

Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.

Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.

Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[moreluck]

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage".
>
> The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"
>
> The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
> something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was
> Italian? Or,
> if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if
> I
> asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if
> I
> asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh ?
> Would
> Ya"
>
> The clerk says, "Well no"
>
> "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was
> Irish?
> What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
>
> "Well, I probably wouldn't,"
>
> With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you
> ask
> me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"
>
> The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot"
>

 

[moreluck]

Hey Bubba "you know the differnce between a brown noser and a chithead?"

"depth perception"

 

[tuknick]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.



At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "<font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> dat. Dis budgie jumping is too <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font>'n dangerous for me!"





THERE'S MORE



Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.



"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"





IT IS NOT OVER YET



Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "<font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font>'n hengliding!"

 

[traveler]

In the days of the Wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down
on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: escapees

These three guys escape from Alcatraz prison. One is British, one is American, and the last one is Scottish. But now they're bored and so they're wandering around thinking of something to do.

"Let's play golf." The American finally says.

"I don't know how to play that."

The Scot says, "Oh it's easy," answers the Brit, "all you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole."

"I got the ball," says the American, "I got the stick," says the Brit.

Then the Scot says, "I don't wanna play."

 

[moreluck]

RE-DEFINING


The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an .

 

[traveler]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

 

[moreluck]

SIGNS:

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Sign in a bankrupt bakery: No dough!

In a suspender factory: We specialize in hold-ups!

Wanted: Employee needed to test tongue depressors-Applicants must be willing to stick it out.

Sign at a match-making company: We want to light your fire.

Sign at the hair salon in Hell: "Give the Devil his do."

In an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you're in the right place!

Poultry farm sign: Better laid than never.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6.

Sign above the toilet at the bar: "Our spirits swilling but the flush is weak."

Sign on the side of the carpet layers van: "Rugged individualist."

Sign advertising appetite suppression pills: We'll sweep you off your feed!

 

[moreluck]

Subject: When I was A kid...

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke.

"So what do you do?" she asked.

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell drugs."

 

[moreluck]

Really Good Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:

* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo."

* Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.

* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

* If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blanket head.

* On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter.

* Most travel agents seldom offer "The City of Virgins" tour.

* While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as "Petey-Boy."

* Taking snap shots at a nude SPA is generally not appreciated.

* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

* Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.

* When in Rome be sure to see the " Apron Emporium " (paid ad)

* Do not ask for directions to a Kosher resturant when in Syria.

* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

* If you enjoy beaches and surfing make Wyoming your second choice.

* There are many prison islands that welcome long term guests.

* When visiting New York City be sure and see the "Apron Emporium" (paid ad).

* Travel Tip : Avoid Sudan in the summer. (or winter)

* Buying cut rate first class tickets from a guy near an airport is not a good idea.

* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

 

[moreluck]

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building preparing to jump..

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer says,"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off
of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair.
Here's your money.."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock
news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money

 

[moreluck]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
> couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
> these
> turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[moreluck]

What to Wear for IRS

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

 

[moreluck]

Q. How is golf like taxes?

A. Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.

 

[moreluck]

You might be a public school teacher if --

1. You want to slug the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

2. You believe "unbelievably annoying" should have its own box in the report card.

3. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

4. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

5. You reflect that marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much easier.

6. You think people should be required to spend two years teaching middle school before being allowed to reproduce.

7. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

8. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

9. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

10. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

 

[moreluck]

Marine

A Marine gets out of the Corps after Nam and lives his life like the American dream. When the War on Iraq comes around 40 plus years later, he goes down to the local recruiting station and tells the recruiter "I want in, I want to fight!"

But the recruiter says, "Sorry Buddy, you're too old."

"Fine," the guy says. "I'll go to the Pentagon. I have a friend there. He'll let me in!" So he goes to the Pentagon and tells his friend,"I wanna fight!"

But his friend says "Sorry Buddy, you're too old."

"Fine", the guy says. "I'll buy a boat and row to Iraq!"

So he goes out and buys himself a rowboat and starts rowing to Iraq, chanting "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" over and over again!

St. Peter sees all this and goes to God and says, "Lord, what do I do to stop this guy?" God tells St. Peter, "Why don't you take his brain? It's the root of all thought."

So St. Peter takes the guy's brain. It doesn't faze him, "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" St. Peter then says, "Now what?!"

God replies, "Why don't you take his heart? It's the seat of all emotion." So St Peter takes it. Doesn't phase the guy. "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!"

St. Peter says, "Now what should I do?" God smiles and says, "Take his balls."

So St. Peter takes the guy's balls. The guy stops rowing, looks confused, turns his boat around, and begins chanting, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder..."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Fraaaaance

It has just been announced that this year's French Open Tennis Tournament has been canceled due to a national crisis.

France has an excess of tennis rackets but no balls!