Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC."

On being asked what the 'DC' stood for,the pupil added,"Dot Com!"

 

[moreluck]

Good Housekeeping Tip # 123

Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

 

[moreluck]

DUST

I can't tell you how many countless hours that I
> > have spent CLEANING!
> >
> >> I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend
> > making sure things were just perfect - "in case someone came over".
>Then
>I
> > realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life
>and
> > having fun!
> >
> > Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain
> > the "condition" of my home. They are more interested in hearing about
>the
> > things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun.
> > If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.
> >
> > Life is short. Enjoy it! Dust if you must, but
> > wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake a cake
>or
> > plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need?
> >
> > Dust if you must, but there's not much time, with
> > rivers to swim and mountains to climb, music to hear and books to read,
> > friends to cherish and life to lead.
> >
> > Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the
> > sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower
> > of rain. This day will not come around again.
> >
> > Dust if you must, but bear in mind, old age will
> > come and it's not kind. And when you go - and go you must - you,
>yourself
> > will make more dust!
>
>

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Catchy?

A young boy called the minister of a local corner church to ask him to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.

The minister knew the family and was very much aware that they had been attending another church down the road. So the minister asked the boy, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom instead of me?"

The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that mom has."

 

[moreluck]

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
> wedding
> anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
> that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'."
>
> "Yeah," she replies, "And when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
> reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'."
>

 

[moreluck]

The primary school teacher was preparing the class for their annual concert. Some children were to sing songs, others recite poetry and some to play musical instruments.

Little Alfie had just come down from the country and the teacher asked him if he would like to do some farmyard impressions. Alfie thought this was a great idea.

On the night of the concert, Alfie nervously walked onto the stage.

"Farmyard noises", he announced.

Then, cupping his hands to his mouth, he yelled at the top of his voice, "Get off that @#$% tractor, Shut the @#$% gate. Get that @#$% calf outa the yard. Get off the @#$% combine! ..."

 

[moreluck]

The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation
as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

 

[moreluck]

Currency exchange


A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and

asked the teller - "why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo
yen, today I get a hunat eighty?"

The teller says - "fluctuations"

The Chinese guy says - "fluc you white guys too"

 

[moreluck]

The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market.

The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."

 

[moreluck]

New CEO

>A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires
a new CEO. This new
>boss is determined to rid the company of all
slackers.
>
>
>On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy
leaning on a wall The
>room is full of workers and he wants to let them
know he means business!
>
>
>The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much
money do you make a
>week?"
>
>
>A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and
replies, "I make
>$300.00 a week Why?"
>
>
>The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and
screams, "Here's four weeks'
>pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
>
>
>Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO
looks around the room
>and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that
goof-off did here?"
>
>
>With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers
mutters, "Pizza delivery guy
>from Domino's."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: a list

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

 

[robonono]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says.

"Your finger is broken."

 

[moreluck]

Church Signs....



"Don't ever give up! Moses was once a basket case."

"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."

"Under same management for over 2000 years."

"Soul food served here."

"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"

"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."

"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."

"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"

"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."

"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."

"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."

"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"

"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."

"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard."

"To belittle is to be little."

"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."

"God answers kneemail."

"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back."

 

[moreluck]

Since the release of the movie on the great ship Titanic, numerous facts have come to light concerning its fatal voyage on April 15, 1912.

One example is that most people do not know that in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured only in England.
The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking. So much so, that they declared a national day of mourning which is still observed to this day.

It is known, of course, as.
(Are you ready? Scroll down.)
.
.
.
.
Sinko de Mayo

 

[moreluck]

You Might be from Las Vegas If.....

- You no longer associate bridges with water.

- You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

- You can make instant sun tea.

- You learn that a seat belt makes a good branding iron.

- The temperature drops below 85, and you feel a bit chilled.

- You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

- You discover you can get a sunburn through your car window.

- You notice the best parking place is determined by shade, not distance.

- It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.

- Hot water comes out of both taps.

- You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

- No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

- Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?

- You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

 

[moreluck]

The positive side about having a beer belly.


- You're less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls.

- It doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer.

- It's a great way to meet cute female cardiologists.

- Extra gravity makes it that much less likely you'll ever be thrown free of the earth into deep space.

- Your bellybutton can store up to eight quarters for the parking meter.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: The Bet

Playing golf with his buddies, George had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. Too bad, George missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.

George pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, 'I can make this putt.'

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet...and George is too.

 

[moreluck]

A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old woman because her hand signals were confusing.

"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left," said the officer.

"I decided not to turn right," she explains.

"Then why the up and down?" asks the officer.

"Officer," she sniffs, "I was erasing!"

 

[moreluck]

BLUENECKS


Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks.

Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF...


1. Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

2. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

3. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.

4. You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g., boiled peanuts).

5. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.


6. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.


7. You don't know what a moon pie is.

8. You've never had an RC Cola.

9. You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.

10. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.


11. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

12. You have no idea what a polecat is.


13. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.

14. You don't have bangs.


15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16. You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."


17. You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich.


18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.

19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20. You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21. The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.

22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feedstores.

23. You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.

24. You call binoculars opera glasses.


>25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob,Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

27. You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie)


28. You don't have Maw-maw's & Pawpaw's.

29. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

30. None of your fur coats are homemade.

 

[moreluck]

Rednecks are Really Just Misunderstood - Here's Why

A personal observation, if I may; Being a caucasian, southern, male American, I am automatically considered a "redneck" by my friends. The term redneck originated from the sunburn farmers and others who toil outdoors all day received on the area between their collar and their cap. I'm proud of what I am, even though I don't fit that stereotype exactly, but neither do I shop exclusively at Walmart, drive a rusty pickup truck, shoot deer out of season, fish all weekend, wear greasy overalls to weddings, drink moonshine, or date my cousin. Not true.....

I never dated my cousin.

I SCREWED her, but I never took her anywhere.

My point is, in these tough days, let's quit being so damn hateful, and yet, let's not forget how to laugh. Every individual is his or her own special interest group, and it's easy to forget that we all started out in the same condition. If we can't have a little harmless fun at someone else's expense without a do-gooder taking exception on their behalf, then we are already half-whipped by terrorism of a home-grown kind, but nobody deserves to be pilloried just because they're different, even some poor bastard who works in the sun all day to build your new house, pave your roads, haul your garbage, or grow the food your kids need. So when you make fun of the "AGRO-AMERICAN" , don't talk with your mouth full.