Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Medical Lingo
(Terminology you need to know to make informed decisions about your Health Care)

Artery.......................the study of paintings

Bacteria....................the back door of a cafeteria

Bowel.......................a letter like a, e, i, o, u

Caesarean Section...a neighborhood in Rome

Cat Scan..................searching for kitty

Cauterize..................made eye contact with her

Colic.........................a sheep dog

D&C.........................where Washington is

Dilate........................to live long

Enema......................not a friend

Fester.......................quicker

Genital.....................not a Jew

G.I. series.................soldier ball game

Hang nail..................coat hook

Impotent...................distinguished, well known


Labor pain................getting hurt a work

Medical Staff............a doctor's cane

Morbid.....................higher offer

Nitrates....................cheaper than day rates

Out Patient...............a person that fainted

Pap Smear...............a fatherhood test

Pelvis.......................a cousin of Elvis

Post Operative..........a letter carrier

Recovery Room........a place to do upholstery

Rectum....................dang neared killed him

Seizure....................Roman Emperor

Tablet......................a small table

Terminal Illness........getting sick at the airport

Tumor......................more than one

Urine........................opposite of you're out

Varicose...................nearby

Vein.........................conceited

 

[moreluck]

Subject: married students

Both my son and daughter-in-law are full-time college students, and don't have time or money for anything other than school.

I was with them in church one Sunday morning when the minister gave a sermon on marriage.

"The three most common problems that can lead to divorce," he warned, "involve money, children and sex."

At that, my son whispered to his wife... "Then we should be okay. We don't have any of those."

 

[moreluck]

Driving Lesson...

For years my husband denied he was an aggresive driver. That changed one day when we were out for a drive with our three-year old son, Matthew.

Seeing a teaching opportunity, I asked Matthew about traffic lights.

"What does a red light mean?" I asked.

"Stop."

"Good. How about green?"

"Go."

"And yellow?" I continued.

In his best deep-voice impression of Daddy, Matthew bellowed.... "Hang on!"

 

[moreluck]

Good Puns...

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

 

[moreluck]

WINE

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, that primarily produces Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.

 

[moreluck]

REAL TEACHERS.......

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's or Wal-Mart.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.

If you can read this, thank a teacher!

 

[moreluck]

WAYS TO GET YOUR TEENAGER TO MOW THE YARD

Hide his car keys out there somewhere.

Four bags o'grass = one tank o'gas.

Lightly spray paint an embarrassing message about your teen on the lawn. "Well, there's only one way to get rid of it, son...."

Put a video game controller on the lawn mower handle.

"If you don't, I will ... in Bermuda shorts with black socks and dress shoes. Topless."

 

[moreluck]

Conclusion

If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraqi theater during the last 22 months, that gives a firearm death ratio of 60 per 100,000.

The firearm death ratio in DC is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you are more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of WASHINGTON, DC!

 

[moreluck]

Fay: I never have any time to myself.

Jan: I've got five kids, and I can be alone whenever I want.

Fay: How do you manage that?

Jan: I just start doing the dishes.

 

[moreluck]

For Those who Reed and Right.......

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;

but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;

yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,

and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

 

[moreluck]

"My wife and I demonstrate perfectly that people from different religions can get along, as I'm Catholic and she's Protestant. It's great, because my wife will be too busy burning in Hell for all eternity to bug me about hitting on all those hot Heaven chicks

 

[moreluck]

Reporting an Accident

A client called to report an accident and asked if her insurance rates would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I said.

Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and friend as in Frank?"

"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriter that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and friend as in fault?"

 

[moreluck]

"Collective Nouns For Doctors".....

A Spread of Gynecologists

A Buttload of Proctologists

A Supporting Cast of Orthopedists

A Hive of Allergists

A Press of Dental Hygienists

A Carvery of Surgeons

A Golf-cart of Private-physicians

A Growth of Oncologists

A Vision of Optometrists

An Insanity of Psychologists

 

[moreluck]

In a national anthem survey, 79% of Americans know the first line of the "Star-Spangled Banner."

Only 37% of Canadians know the first line to "Oh, Canada," which is really pathetic considering the first line of "Oh, Canada" is "Oh Canada."

 

[moreluck]

A Golfer's Creed

May I hit all my woods like a tiger,
May all of my irons find the green.
May my ball never lie in a sand trap
And may all of my putts drop clean.

May the rain never fall on my golf days,
May the wind never be in my face.
And just once in my life as a duffer,
May I have one heavenly Ace?

 

[moreluck]

I.D.

My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange tour with the Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove through the base's gates was required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.

As a friendly competition, my husband's squadron started flashing different forms of ID, such as a driver's license, just to see how far they could go to fool the busy guards.

The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of toast.

 

[moreluck]

The Nude Runner--

> A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One
> wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
>
> she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
>
> "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
> husband's home early!"
>
> "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
>
> "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
> He's gota
> hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
>
> So the boy friend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
>
> window!
>
> As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
> had
> run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
> running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
>
> Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
> as
> best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
> been
> watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
>
> "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
>
> "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
>
> Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your
> clothes with you under your arm?"
>
> Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
> right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
>
> Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you
> always
> wear a condom when you run? "
>
> "Nope.........just when it's raining
>
>

 

[moreluck]

A kid's point of view.
What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"
-Eric, Age 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."
-Anita, Age 9



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kelly, Age 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, Age 8



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, Age 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife"
-Bert, Age 5



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, Age 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, Age 8



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, Age 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, Age 9



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, Age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, Age 9



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"
-Kirsten, Age 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them"
-Anita, Age 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, Age 7

 

[moreluck]

3 Day Pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

The soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3-day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

 

[moreluck]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says, without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."