Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Tee Box


A 9-year old boy was walking along a golf course caddying for his dad when he sees an old man teeing off from 3 yards in front of the tee box.

" Excuse me sir, but your ball is supposed to be in line with the tee box, or just behind it." says the boy. "That's great son." the old man replies. "Now do you mind shutting up while I take my second shot?"

 

[moreluck]

MOWING THE LAWN

The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her
husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again. He handed her a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass", he said, "You might as
well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

 

[moreluck]

Oops!

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?"

 

[moreluck]

Dude Ranch

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows... there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

 

[moreluck]

Free Vacation

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a vacation, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your vacation?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

 

[jcroche]

DEAD DUCK


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she
lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled
out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment
or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your
pet has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so
sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on
him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet
rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted
the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a
beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the
bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and
strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm
sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a
dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's
owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just
to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If
you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what
with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

 

[moreluck]

>Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all
> talking one day.
>
>> >Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the
> most beautiful girl in the world."
>
>> >Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in
> the world."
>
>> >Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the
> ugliest person in the world."
>
>> >
>
>> >They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World
> Records to have their claims verified.
>
>> >Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking
> deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most
> beautiful girl in the world."
>
>> >Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am
> officially the smallest person in the world."
>
>> >Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking
> confused and simply stated, "Who the hell is
> Camilla Parker Bowles?"
>

 

[moreluck]

LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy .


... you just hoped nobody ever found out

 

[moreluck]

The Old Biker

One Sunday morning, an old biker entered a church just before services were to begin.

Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old leather jacket and an equally worn out bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old biker had ever seen.

The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the biker took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work. As the old biker was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the biker to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."

The old biker assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and leather jacket.

Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old biker.

"If you spoke to God, what did He tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He says He's never been here before."

 

[robonono]

How old is Grandma???

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

There was no:

' radar

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandfather and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,

' "coke" was a cold drink,

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

<font color="ff0000"> This woman is only 58 years old!</font>

 

[traveler]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.


Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.



"Well," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.



While we were looking for our balls, I noticed one of the cows had something in its rear end. I walked over and lifted the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."



"What did you do?" asks the doctor.



"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"



I don't remember much after that"!

 

[robonono]

INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:


If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is: to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401 Keg Plan

 

[robonono]

A dozen and a half Groaners:

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

18. Polish joke: A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an Eye Test. The optician shows him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'.
"Can you read this?", the optician asks. "Read it?" the Polish man replies, "I used to date that guy's sister."

 

[moreluck]

Imaginary Golf


Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers. The soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls.

After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less then eagles, birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole.. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first.So he tees off with his imaginary ball.

"Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green" The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup. "You wouldn't believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win." The second guy responds, "You won't believe it either, you just hit my ball."

 

[moreluck]

Cantor

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.

Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Keep Them Close
>
>
>
>I grew up in the 40s/50s with practical parents. A mother, God love
>
>her, who
>
> >washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was
>
> >the
>
> >original recycle queen, before they had a Name for it...
>
> >A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.
>
> >
>
> >Their marriage was good, their dreams focused.
>
> >Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
>
> >I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a
>
> >house
>
> >dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other.
>
> >It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio,
>
> >screen
>
> >door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.
>
> >
>
> >It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy.
>
> >All that re-fixing, eating, renewing,
>
> >I wanted just once to be wasteful.
>
> >Waste meant affluence.
>
> >Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.
>
> >
>
> >But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the
>
> >warmth of
>
> >the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that
>
> >sometimes
>
> >there isn't any more.
>
> >
>
> >Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes
>
> >away...never to
>
> >return. So... while we have it...
>
> >it's best we love it...
>
> >and care for it...
>
> >and fix it when it's broken......
>
> >and heal it when it's sick.
>
> >
>
> >This is true. for marriage.....
>
> >and old cars....
>
> >and children with bad report cards.....
>
> >and dogs with bad hips....
>
> >and aging parents....
>
> >and grandparents.
>
> >We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some
>
> >things
>
> >we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up
>
> >with.
>
> >
>
> >There are just some things that make life important,
>
> >like people we know who are special..... and so, we keep them close!
>
> >
>
> >I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've sent
>
> >it to
>
> >the people I think of in the same way.
>
> >Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are "keepers" in
>
> >your
>
> >life Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you
>
> >know
>
> >they are always there. Keep them close!
>
> >

 

[moreluck]

Haircuts

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

 

[moreluck]

Golf Pro Prayer


The Pro is my Shepherd, I shall not Slice. He maketh me to Drive Straight Down Green Fairways; He leadeth me Safely across Still Water-Hazards; He restoreth my Approach Shots. He Leadeth me in the Paths of Accuracy for my Game's Sake. Yea, though I chip through the Roughs in the shadows of Sand Traps, I will fear no Bogies. For his Advice is with me; His Putter and Irons, they comfort me. He prepareth my Strategy for me in the presence of mine Opponents; He anointeth my head with Confidence: The Cup will not be runneth over! Surely Birdies and Eagles shall follow me all the Rounds of my Life, And I will score in the Low Eighties.

Amen

 

[moreluck]

Grouchy

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

 

[moreluck]

Men Will Never Learn

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and in four days she became his stepmother.