Heard any good ones?

[traveler]

You are in Florida,Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all about you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You are trying to shoot impressive photos, photos that capture the emotion and tragedy of the events. Houses and people are floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all her destroying power, ripping everything asunder. Suddenly, you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You know who it is,,, it is Hillary Clinton. At the moment you recognize who she is, you also notice that the raging waters are about to take her away, forever. You realize you have two options, you can save her or you can take the best Pulitzer Prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the actual passing of one of the world's most powerful women.. And here is the question you must answer honestly and with great forethought....Would you select color film, or go with the simplicity of classic black and white

 

[traveler]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

 

[moreluck]

Navy

Just before their first long deployment two Navy buddies were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered the following advice:

"You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

 

[robonono]

"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To. (I like this one alot!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph (This one is even better!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Lastly:

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

 

[robonono]

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked,

"How heavy is this glass of water? "

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.

"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

"In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes. "

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. "

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. "

"Relax; pick them up later after you've rested.
Life is short. Enjoy it!"

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

" A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

<font color="ff0000">HAVE AN AWESOME DAY</font><font color="000000">!</font>

 

[moreluck]

Bee Sting


Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course. Mac putted out and walked back to the cart. As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.

The scene of a man kneeling next to to his playing partner's bare rear end, was too much for the group playing behind the twosome. The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question: "What was the bet?"

 

[moreluck]

Bring Out the Animal in You!

We work like a horse. We eat like a pig. We like to play chicken. You can get someone's goat. We can be as slippery as a snake. We get dog tired. We can be as quiet as a mouse. We can be as quick as a cat. Some of us are as strong as an ox. People try to buffalo others. Some are as ugly as a toad. We can be as gentle as a lamb. Sometimes we are as happy as a lark. Some of us drink like a fish. We can be as proud as a peacock. A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla. You can get a frog in your throat. We can be a lone wolf. But I'm having a whale of a time!

 

[moreluck]

It is time to quit golf if:

1. The club has named a pond in front of the green after you.

2. You can remember for a week the one good shot you had in the round.

3. The ball retriever is the most often used piece of equipment in your bag.

4. You and your group have rules for Mulligans.

5. You have more than the regulation 14 clubs in your bag including 3 putters.

6. You leave the pin in when you are on the fringe 8 feet from the pin in the hope it will stop your ball.

7. You have the thought you that if you hole out from 140 yards you can still make bogie.

8. The starter leaves a one hour gap after your tee off time.

9. When you call fore on a par three, and everyone runs to the green for safety.

10. You have had three putts and your group members tell you that you're still away

 

[moreluck]

Retro

You know, retro seems to be pretty big these days in entertainment.

The number one movie is Star Wars. Friday, The Longest Yard is opening. I saw an ad on TV last night for Herbie The Love Bug.

Did I miss something or are we still living in the 1970s?

What's next?

You'll be telling me that the biggest concert tour of the summer is the Rolling Stones

 

[moreluck]

*Little Irritations In Life*. . . . .

When you have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingie in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobdoy gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it until you walk across your living room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

Your road map won't re-fold up to the way it was. So, you do the logical thing; open the glove compartment and STUFF it in. Of course.... this is the day that the glove compartment door won't stay shut.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with Kleenex lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing, whick sets off the horns on at least 20 other cars all around you.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom door knob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. (guess where you end up,)

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're 'just browsing.' Then you spot something that interests you and those same five are now all 'on break' just when you need a price check.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find the #^%$&amp;# thing!

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and bang your head on the way up.

Most of these, of course, will occur on a Monday....

 

[robonono]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start in
providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (with the exception of France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

 

[moreluck]

BACK IN MY DAY By Uncle Soupy

You kids are a bunch of wimps 'n sissies.

Back in my day We didn't have hurricanes. We just had storms called, "What the hell was that?"

Our houses didn't blow apart. They were held together by mold, mildew, and asbestos. And we LOVED it!

We never wore helmets when we rode our bicycles, and our bikes were seven feet high, and made out of lead. We fell directly on our heads and were darnn proud of it!

You young folks have to wear a helmet when you eat peanuts.

We didn't have sex back then. We had neckin'. If we did have sex, somebody'd have told me.

We never heard of neurotics. We had crazy people, and they were called "relatives".

My father had his elbows pierced so he could wear cufflinks with a short sleeved shirt.

He had a mole on his nose that made him self-conscious, so he had it tattooed to look like a fly.

My Aunt Maude could jump three feet straight up in the air, without bending her knees.

You don't see talent like that these days.

So, eat a peanut, sniff some mold, take off your kneepads, and wear a lead watch. You'll LOVE it!

I hope I can get this childproof cap off my Viagra.

Love, Uncle Soupy

 

[moreluck]

Kids quotes that are a little...off track:


"God bless America, Thru the night with a light from a bulb!"

"0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"

"Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."

"We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese."

"Yield not to Penn Station, but deliver us from evil."

 

[moreluck]

Heavenly Conversation....

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive

 

[robonono]

The Darwin Awards

The Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the persons who improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year are.............

* IN Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

* Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.


* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONORABLE MENTION:

* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

* TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "<font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> happens!"

 

[moreluck]

preacher

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

 

[moreluck]

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over and whispered to her,"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

(There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
(controlling huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a
$20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with
her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully
said....

"Clean my house." (YOU GO GIRL!!!)

 

[moreluck]

Ozzie, the Rooster......


Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Whitey's favorite rooster was old Ozzie, being from a very fine specimen he was, too. But, on this particular morning, Whitey noticed old Ozzie's bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Ozzie had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Whitey was so proud of Ozzie, he entered him in the county fair and Ozzie became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Ozzie the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Ozzie was a Democrat.
Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populous and screwing them.

 

[moreluck]

military exercise

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."

 

[robonono]

Definition of a BBQ

BBQ-ing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with the situation.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his
cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing a woman.