Heard any good ones?

[robonono]

Two friends are walking in the jungle. Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of
his bag and quickly puts them on.

With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?"

"I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".

 

[moreluck]

Terrific Pig...
>
> A man was walking in the country when he saw a pig with a wooden leg
sitting
> outside a barn. As he was wondering what happened to the pig, the pig's
owner
> came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig came to have a wooden
leg.
>
> The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire
> last April and he dragged my kids to safety!"
>
> "Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.
>
> "No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig
> swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"
>
> "So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.
>
> "Oh, no. Just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train
> tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a
freight
> train came through!" the farmer said.
>
> "So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.
>
> "No, sir," replied the farmer.
>
> "Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.
>
> "Well, sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you
don't
> want to eat it all at once!"
>

 

[moreluck]

Taking the Ferry Home

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

 

[moreluck]

An easy exercise, suggested for seniors for three days a week, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.


.

 

[moreluck]

Redneck Pick-up Lines

You got purdy green eyes, they remind me of my tractor.

You're wearin' my favorite perfume....catch of the day.

My trailer or yours?

Are you free tonight or will it cost me supper?

Is that real possum fur?

You sure got a purdy tooth.

You're the best lookin' of all my cousins

 

[moreluck]

Famous Mothers

COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered,
you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to
get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of
there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a
better grade than you."

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair?

 

[robonono]

The Loss of a ROLL Model:

The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 71. Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Dough boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose
quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was
considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

 

[moreluck]

All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From LEGOs....

Life might be less complicated for all of us if we each received our own LEGO kit at birth. Yes, I have learned that...

Size doesn't matter. When stepped on in the dark, a 2X2 LEGO brick causes the same amount of pain as a 2X8 brick.

All LEGO men are created equal (1.5625 inches tall). What they become is limited only by imagination.

There is strength in numbers. When the bricks stick together, great things can be accomplished.

Playtime is important. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you are building, as long as you're having fun.

Disaster happens. But the pieces can be put back together again.

Every brick has a purpose. Some are made for a specific spot - most can adapt almost anywhere - but every one will fit somewhere.

Color doesn't matter. A blue brick will fit in the same space as a red brick.

No one is indispensable. If one brick is unavailable, another can take its place.

It doesn't always turn out as planned. Sometimes it turns out better. If it doesn't, you can always try again.

 

[traveler]

Killer Biscuit Wanted for Attempted Murder (actual headline)



Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.


He asked her if she was okay and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.


A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.



Lisa is blonde.

 

[moreluck]

Winter

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new
> Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
>
> Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the
> old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter
> was going to be like.
>
> Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter
> was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
> collect firewood to be prepared.
>
> But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
> went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
> "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
>
> "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist
> at the weather service responded.
>
> So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
> firewood in order to be prepared.
>
> A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
> still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
>
> "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to
> be a very cold winter."
>
> The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
> every scrap of firewood they could find.
>
> Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
> "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
>
> "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
> going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
>
> "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
>
> The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
>
>

 

[moreluck]

Sven & Ole in Canada.....

Sven & Ole got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
>
> They bagged six.
>
> As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the
> plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last
> year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the
> same plane as yours."
>
> Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on
> full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few
> moments after take-off.
>
> Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole , "Any idea where we are?"
>
> "Yaaah...I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[robonono]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, is having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answers, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks has had enough. She takes Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waits in the outer office, the teacher explains the situation to the principal. The principal tells Ms. Brooks he'll give the boy a test. If he fails to answer any of his questions he's to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agrees.

Harry is brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it goes with every question the principal thinks a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wonders why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sits forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide, but before he can stop the answer, Harry says, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal is trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'friend' and ends in 'K' and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathes a sigh of relief and tells the teacher, "Put Harry in the 5th grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

 

[moreluck]

An Hispanic in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days.

When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss occurred over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts.

The Hispanic was heard to mutter as he left the station... " Damn Canadians."

 

[moreluck]

Advice From an Old Farmer. . . . . .

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.

A bumblebee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Meanness don't just happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about is never going to happen anyway.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, youll enjoy it a second time.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

 

[moreluck]

20 Worst Things To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant....

Fission shmission, relax, I'll increase the water level after my coffee break.

Was that "Open valve A and close valve B" or was it the other way round?

This whole plant will be running under Windows tomorrow.

HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?

Who forgot to pay the water bill?

We got 12 seconds to WHAT????

Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown.

A leak? Can't you fix it with duct tape or something?

Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.

It's Russian technology.

Move over Three Mile Island - here we come!!!

Sniff, sniff.... you smell that?

I used to work at Chernobyl.

All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!

It's your turn to wax the core.

How come all the big shots are leaving?

Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?

Is this part really necessary?

OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it, though.

Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.

 

[moreluck]

Golf Lesson


A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those **cking lessons I took this winter didn't help" One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

 

[moreluck]

Men's Rules......

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[bwattsgcc]

You know your a redneck when: You get yer perscriptions filled at the Vet's office.

 

[moreluck]

A nice message...

A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby.

She wanted to know what the United States looked like.

Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country.

Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today."

After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together.

The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. "Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together."

 

[moreluck]

50th Birthday

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I! am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's