Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Southern Women

Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women.

"I think Southern Women are the prettiest," one of them said.

"I think Southern women are the toughest," said another.

The third said, "I think they're the most polite. That's why they don't like group sex."

His friends looked at him, confused. "They don't like group sex?"

"Nope, too many thank-you notes."

 

[moreluck]

YOU MIGHT BE ADDICTED TO YOUR CELL PHONE IF...

You get a little thrill of adrenaline every time it rings.

Raising your children interferes with programming your speed dial or ringtones.

You've ever used your cell phone while sitting on a toilet.

You refuse to wear certain articles of clothing because they clash with your cell phone color.

You've ever heard yourself say, "Hang on a minute, I've just hit a tree."

You break into a cold sweat when your reception indicator is down to one bar.

You use your cell phone even when it's sitting right next to a regular phone.

You've ever asked the projectionist to turn down the volume of the movie so you could take a call.

 

[moreluck]

The Doctor and the Lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 

[moreluck]

My Appetite is My Shepherd



My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

 

[moreluck]

** Why do men like smart women?
....Opposites attract.

** How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
.....We cook -- they eat; we clean -- they dirty; we iron -- they wrinkle.

** How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
.....Make him wear shoes.

** What did God say after creating man?
.....I can do so much better.

** What's the smartest thing a man can say?
....."My wife says..."

** Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
.....So men can understand them.

** Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after
mating?
.....To stop the snoring before it starts.

** Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
.....Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

** Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
.....Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.

** Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
.....When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

 

[moreluck]

------Subject: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at Jackson Trial


http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2672935?htv=12

 

[robonono]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a
convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 45 years seniority and she's next."

 

[moreluck]

Cardiologist Funeral
>
>A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered
>in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
>
>Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside The
>heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
>
>At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared
>at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a
>gynecologist."
>
>That's when the proctologist fainted .

 

[moreluck]

How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale

Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.

Always go to the bathroom first.

Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)

Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

 

[sstreak2]

WARNING! This is pretty much an "anti-men" email, so guys, read at your own risk. However, if you are a woman, it is definitely a chuckle or two.

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And one more:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
________________________________

 

[moreluck]

You Know It's Time to Diet When...


You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

 

[moreluck]

An airline called Western Pacific is offering round-trip tickets for fifty-nine dollars. The only restriction is that they don't tell you what city you're going to. So basically, you become your luggage.

 

[moreluck]

Geography

You're from the West Coast when...
You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your own house.
The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
You drive to your neighborhood block party.

You're from New York when...
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
You think Central Park is "nature."
You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You're from Colorado when...
You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.
The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
Your bridal registry is at REI.

 

[moreluck]

~Dog Property Laws~

If I like it, it's mine.

If it's in my mouth, it's mine.

If I can take it from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

If I saw it first, it's mine.

If you are playing with something
and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.

If it's broken, it's yours.

 

[moreluck]

FRIED EGGS.......


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly
her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my! You're cooking
too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
butter. Oh my! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me
when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have
you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.

"What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of
eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving!"

 

[moreluck]

They run our country

Think the world is a scary place? Read the incidents below taken from

travel agents and you will be terrified that they run our country!


I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
*********************

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response .(click).
****************

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to
me.
I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
*******************

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close
on the map."
*******************************

An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could
rent A car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
*************************

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into
Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
*************************

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.
I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute
while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and
explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
*************************

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
***********************

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
***********************

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"
***********************************

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." ! I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
***********************

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.
***********************

Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in.

 

[moreluck]

Elderly Lady

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and quick." Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

 

[moreluck]

In Court

You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?' `Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'

 

[moreluck]

Bear in a Bar in Billings, Montana

A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer.

The bartender approached and said, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer.

The bartender again told him, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, very angry now, said, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender once again said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana."

The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs."

The bear said, " I'm not on drugs."

The bartender said, "Yes you are. That was a bar bi*ch you ate."

 

[moreluck]

Employment Problems

Catherine, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."