Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Acute Alcoholism

A man who was told by his doctor that he was suffering from acute alcoholism. The man said, "Doc, I can't tell my wife I am suffering from alcoholism. Isn't there one of those big medical terms that I can give her?" The doctor said, "As far as I'm concerned, there is no other term for it but alcoholism."

As the man left the doctor's office he passed a music store and in the window his eye caught the word "syncopation". That word seemed to strike a responsive chord somewhere. When he got home he told his wife the doctor had said he was suffering from acute syncopation.

That was all right until she looked up the word in the dictionary and read: "Syncopation - an irregular and erratic movement from bar to bar".

 

[moreluck]

Nine signs you are on a No Frill Airline (sounds a bit like Easy Jet!)

1. You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

7. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

8. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

 

[moreluck]

Golf

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."

Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"

Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"

 

[moreluck]

Q: What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?

A: The trailer is level.

 

[moreluck]

Pope

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.

St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."

Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"

St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."

Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT?"

St. Peter says, "She's furious!"

 

[moreluck]

why bother?

To promote the Army base's new recycling program, five large dumpsters had been placed by the mess tent and each had signs stating what type of garbage was to be placed in them.

It took several days of harassment by the mess sargeant and many reminders to all from the mess officer, but eventually the soldiers and KP's were complying with the signs.

Then one early morning as the regiment lined up for a morning roll call, a civilian garbage truck arrived in front of the mess tent.

In full view of the soldiers, the contents of all five containers were dumped into the one bed of the truck.

 

[moreluck]

Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left On Michael Jackson's Answering Machine......

10. "It's Tito--congratulations. Could I borrow 50 bucks?"

9. "Barbara Walters here. I'll double any interview offer and throw in a giraffe"

8. "This is the courthouse lost and found. Can you describe the nose in question?"

7. "This is your bank--curious about the 12 checks you wrote for 'jury bribes'"

6. "This is your neighbor. Could you please send someone to get your chimp out of my pool?"

5. "Happy Father's Day from the lab where we artifically inseminated your sham wife"

4. "Change your outgoing message, dude--'Thriller' was like 20 years ago"

3. It's Martha. Disregard the letter with cell-decorating tips"

2. "Tom Cruise here. I'm calling every person in America to tell them I'm in love with Katie Holmes"

1. "Hi, it's Saddam Hussein. Now how do I get one of them idiot juries?"

 

[moreluck]

dental office

A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.

"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.

 

[moreluck]

Jewish Golf

Three very pious Jews dressed in long black coats with beards were playing golf.

A guy name Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play.

So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104.

The Rabbis had shot 69,70 and 72.

So, he says to the Rabbis, "How come you guys shoot such good golf?"

The lead Rabbi says, "When you lead a religious life, join and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded."

Mulhany, a true lover of golf, thinks what have I got to lose. He finds a synagogue near his home, converts to Judaism, joins the synagogue, regularly attends services and leads a holy life.

About a year later, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70 and 71. He says to them: "OK, I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life and I still shoot a 104. What's the deal?"

"What synagogue did you join?" asks the lead Rabbi.

"Beth Shalom," is the reply.

The Rabbi retorted, "Schmuck, that one is for tennis!"

 

[moreluck]

Fathers....Then & Now

Fathers Then and Now...Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his mini-van.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school." Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes. Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses. Today,"a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention. Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters' suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late. Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"

 

[moreluck]

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the

1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.


Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.



As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.



Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.



We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.



We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.



We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but
we weren't overweight because

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING

- or working!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.



No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.



We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!



And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

 

[moreluck]

Vacations

In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo...

Old world charm = No bath

Tropical = Rainy

Majestic setting = A long way from town

Options galore = Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway = Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms = Already occupied

Explore on your own = Pay for it yourself

Knowledgeable trip hosts = They've flown in an airplane before

No extra fees = No extras

 

[moreluck]

The Honest Job Application

This reportedly is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

 

[robonono]

Short & Sweet

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the
stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

And Last but not least.....

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart .. "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her butt off to jail."

 

[robonono]

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS


Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

 

[moreluck]

The Value of an Education....

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

[moreluck]

Doctor, I can't stop singing 'She's a Lady' and 'What's New, Pussycat?' Can you help me?"

"Ah yes, you appear to be suffering from 'Tom Jones Syndrome.'"

"Is it rare?"

"Well,....It's not unusual..."

 

[moreluck]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

 

[moreluck]

Benefits of Growing Old.......

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You can eat dinner at 4:00.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

 

[nevadapaul]

Friends..............

Friendship among women:

A Woman doesn't come home at night.
The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house.
The man calls his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them know anything about it.

Friendship among men:

A man doesn't come home at night.
The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house.
The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends.
Eight of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.