Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

HOW to TELL YOU LIVE in ARIZONA or TEXAS

You're willing to park three or more blocks from your destination if you can find shade.

Shorts and a tank top are acceptable clothing for any function, public or private.

You have over 100 recipes for combinations of meat, beans, cheese, and tortillas.

You've actually seen someone spontaneously combust.

The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

 

[moreluck]

Golfer

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes. Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods. "There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

 

[moreluck]

Mr. Allen, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Smith, get my broker!"

The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn!"

 

[moreluck]

BBQ

As the coals from our barbeque burned down, our
hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting
forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens
blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house
right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down
the street,where we found the owners of the
blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

we were all still holding our roasting forks with
marshmallows on them...

 

[nevadapaul]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.


When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming.

One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

Isn't it wonderful?" Adam says to Steve.

"All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

 

[moreluck]

Stern Father

Young man," said the angry father from the head of the stairs, "didn't I hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter in? "You did," admitted the boyfriend. "It was going to strike eleven, but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn't disturb you." The father muttered, "Doggone! Why didn't I think of that one in my courting days!"

 

[moreluck]

Vegas Trip

I recently checked into a hotel in Vegas on a business trip and started to feel a bit lonely so I decided to get a call girl. I picked up the phone and called the number I got from the cab driver.

"Hello?" the woman says.

"Hi, are you nasty? I want nasty. I want it hard and fast. I'm talking kinky all night. You name it we'll do it. Bring equiptment, bring toys. You do me and I'll do you--all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in anything. How does that sound?"

She says, "Umm, Sir? For an outside line you need to press 9."

 

[moreluck]

Murphy's Laws for Parents...

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses -- will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

 

[moreluck]

Age and Sex

-------------------------
This young fellow was about to be married
and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him,

"when you first get married,
you want it all the time...and maybe
you'll do it several times a day.

Later on,
sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older,
you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old,
you are lucky to have it once a year
like maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow
then asked his grandfather,

"Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied,
"Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?"
the young fellow asked.

"Well,"
Grandpa said,

"She goes to bed in her bedroom
and I go to bed in my bedroom.

She yells,
'Screw You',

and I holler back,
'Screw You too!'"

 

[my2cents]

Weare, New Hampshire (PRWEB) Could a hotel be built on the land owned by Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter? A new ruling by the Supreme Court which was supported by Justice Souter himself itself might allow it. A private developer is seeking to use this very law to build a hotel on Souter's land.

Justice Souter's vote in the "Kelo vs. City of New London" decision allows city governments to take land from one private owner and give it to another if the government will generate greater tax revenue or other economic benefits when the land is developed by the new owner.

On Monday June 27, Logan Darrow Clements, faxed a request to Chip Meany the code enforcement officer of the Towne of Weare, New Hampshire seeking to start the application process to build a hotel on 34 Cilley Hill Road. This is the present location of Mr. Souter's home.

Clements, CEO of Freestar Media, LLC, points out that the City of Weare will certainly gain greater tax revenue and economic benefits with a hotel on 34 Cilley Hill Road than allowing Mr. Souter to own the land.

The proposed development, called "The Lost Liberty Hotel" will feature the "Just Desserts Caf" and include a museum, open to the public, featuring a permanent exhibit on the loss of freedom in America. Instead of a Gideon's Bible each guest will receive a free copy of Ayn Rand's novel "Atlas Shrugged."

Clements indicated that the hotel must be built on this particular piece of land because it is a unique site being the home of someone largely responsible for destroying property rights for all Americans.

"This is not a prank" said Clements, "The Towne of Weare has five people on the Board of Selectmen. If three of them vote to use the power of eminent domain to take this land from Mr. Souter we can begin our hotel development."

Clements' plan is to raise investment capital from wealthy pro-liberty investors and draw up architectural plans. These plans would then be used to raise investment capital for the project. Clements hopes that regular customers of the hotel might include supporters of the Institute For Justice and participants in the Free State Project among others.

Source URL: http://www.freestarmedia.com/hotellostliberty2.html

 

[moreluck]

golf

I've been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me know. It's called the "Useful Golf Book". It contains some really good articles such as:

* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt

* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee

* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker

* How to get more distance off the shank

* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk

* Crying and how to handle it

* How to rationalize a 7-hour round

* How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water

* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th

* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed

* How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee

 

[robonono]

M2C,

I loved your post about Weare, New Hampshire and the home owned by Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter. What irony!!!

 

[moreluck]

Memory Tests

-------------------------
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

 

[my2cents]

Robonono,

I couldn't stop laughing when I first read this. If this project gets legs, I'm thinking about making an "investment" in it and who knows, even book a weekend there. No doubt "The Lost Liberty Hotel" will become a national landmark and stimulate the local economy.

 

[moreluck]

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?


Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic and Orthodox: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.


Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.


Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutheran: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

 

[moreluck]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to
the beach?"

 

[moreluck]

A Hindi priest, a Muslim priest, and a lawyer are traveling across the country together.

In the middle of Kansas, their car breaks down, so they push it to the nearest farm to fix it, but it gets dark by then. They ask the farmer if they can spend the night, and he says, 'Yup. We gots us a guest bed that will hold two of yer, but one of y'uall gonna have to sleep in the barn.'

The travelers agree to this and the Hindi volunteers to sleep in the barn.

The lawyer and the Muslim go up to the guest room and start to get ready for bed, but five minutes later, they hear a knock on the door.

Its the Hindu, who says, 'Guys, I was lying down to go to sleep, but then I see this cow near me, and my religion won't allow me to sleep under the same roof as a cow.'

The Muslim understands, so he volunteers, but five minutes later, when the Hindi and lawyer are getting ready for bed, there's another knock on the door.

It's the Muslim, and he says, 'Hey, I'm truly sorry, but I was going to sleep when this pig started oinking near me, and my religion won't let me sleep near a pig.'

The lawyer finally agrees to sleep in the barn, although a little reluctantly. Five minutes later, there's another knock on the door. It's the cow and pig.

 

[moreluck]

Here are some new diet rules you can actually live by!
Start losing all the weight you ever dreamed of losing!

Cookie pieces contain no fat - the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by Texas D" Lites distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no fat content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are Ice Cream, Frozen pies and popsicles.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories, e.g. spinach and pistachio ice cream; mush- rooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a universal color and maybe substituted for any other food color without increasing caloric content.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.... So encourage others to eat more... and more often...

In food used for medicinal purposes the calories NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are not part of one's personal fuel... merely entertainment.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich, ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. (see above, encouraging others)

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be A Redneck.........

If someone hollers hoe-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.

If the most commonly heard phrase in your house is "Someone go jiggle the handle".

If you have ever used a bar stool as a walker.

If you ever got hot flashes at a cattle auction.

If your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.

If you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as dual air bags.

If your wife has ever said "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath".

If you have ever blamed money loss on farm animals.

If you cut your toenails in front of company.

 

[moreluck]

~~~ This Is America ~~~

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old kids run wild.

We whip an enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we're out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.