Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

ANYWAY...

People are unreasonable, illogical and self centered.
Love them anyway

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway

If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway

People really need help but may attack you if you help them.
Help people anyway

Give the world the best you've got and it may never be enough..
Give the world the best you've got ANYWAY!

 

[moreluck]

You know you're getting old when....

Everything hurts; and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 years ago today."

You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.

You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course.

Your back goes out more than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.

The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.

 

[moreluck]

AMERICANISM...

If you want your father to take care of you, thats ...

paternalism,

If you want your mother to take care of you, thats ...

maternalism,

If you want comrades to take care of you and everything you do is for the state, thats...

communism;

If you think "if it feels good do it,"regardless of the consequences or who it might hurt, and are in this thing just for yourself, thats...

individualism,

If all you care about are your possessions, what you can accumulate in this life and things are more important than people, thats...

materialism,

If you want Uncle Sam to take care of you, depend on the government for everything, dont know the difference between entitlements and benefits, and you think they are totally responsible for your well being, then thats not only stupid, but...

socialism;

But, if you want to take care of yourself, be held responsible for your behavior, hold yourself accountable for your actions, feel a responsibility to be a good and productive citizen, promote the betterment of mankind and bring honor to the greatest country on the face of the earth, then that, my friend, is...

Americanism.

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At A July Fourth Barbecue

10. "Beef is great, but squirrel's so much cheaper"

9. "Take a photo of me lighting this cigar with an M-80"

8. "To give it a little 'kick,' I put charcoal starter in the punch"

7. "Oh God, Letterman's shirtless again"

6. I'd like to tell you why scientology is so important to me"

5. "Hey look, it's Earnest Borgnine--oh, sorry lady"

4. "All right, detainees, line up over here for your gitmo-style powdered baked beans"

3. "I'm afraid the only fireworks tonight are between me and your wife"

2. "My hot dog has a knuckle"

1. "I don't think that's mayonnaise in the cole slaw"

 

[moreluck]

In Court...

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as
sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense
attorney during a felony trial.

The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.

Q: "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer, who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do."

Q: "And do you have a locker in that room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter and a prompt recess was called.

 

[moreluck]

basic training....

The instructor in a basic-training course asked a sleepy private, "If you were on night sentry duty and saw a figure crawling toward camp, what procedure would you follow?"

"Well, sir," the private answered, "I'd help the officer to his quarters."

 

[moreluck]

Typing Test...

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment.

He was greeted by a sergeant who said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test." He handed the soldier a blank piece of typing paper and a pamphlet to copy. "Type this," he ordered, pointing across the room to a desk containing a typewriter and an adding machine.

The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at oh-8 hundred tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of the adding machine."

 

[moreluck]

LAKE SUPERIOR STATE UNIVERSITY LIST of BANISHED WORDS for 2005......

"BLUE STATES / RED STATES" - Whose who, anyway? A good map has more than two colors.

"...AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE" - This is now being used from political ads to auto parts commercials. Would a political candidate approve a message they didn't agree with? I'm Kristina, and I approve this nomination!

"POCKETS OF RESISTANCE" - Are we talking about someone not buying a round of drinks or people shooting at each other?

"IMPROVISED EXPLOSIVE DEVICE" - Is this anything like a bomb? Is it more (or less) sinister?

"ENEMY COMBATANT" - This makes no sense. Do we have friendly combatants? How about enemy bystanders?

"CARBS" - Low carbs, high carbs, no carbs... you're not fat because you eat bread, you're fat because you eat too much! And why are we concerned about low carb beer? A person that concerned about losing weight shouldn't even be drinking beer!

"YOU'RE FIRED!" - And get rid of the little hand movement that goes with it, too!

"BER" - Since when has this become a prefix for anything that's too much of something? It's not "über-iffic."

"IZZLE-SPEAK" - It was clever for about five minutes, or should I say five minizzles?

"WARDROBE MALFUNCTION" - It wasn't the wardrobe's fault!

"BLOG" - And all its variations: blogger, blogged, blogging, blogosphere. Sounds like something your mother used to slap you for saying. Maybe it's something that would be stuck in my toilet.

"ZERO PERCENT APR FINANCING" - Sending a dollar to do a nickel's worth of work. Why don't they just say "No Interest Fee"?

"SAFE AND EFFECTIVE" - This should not be a selling point, it should be an FDA requirement!

"BODY WASH" - Also known as soap.

"ALL NEW" - Is there a partially new?

 

[moreluck]

Exercise

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

 

[moreluck]

Forgetful George

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

 

[moreluck]

FEMALE GOLFING TERMS

1.CADDY - 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.

2.CHIPPING - Time to get our nails done again.

3.DOUBLE BOGIE - "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."

4.FAIRWAY - Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.

5.GOOD LIE - Weight on our driver's license.

6.GREENS - Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.

7.HOLE-IN-ONE - Time to get new pantyhose.

8.IRON - What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.

9.ROUGH - Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.

10.SHAFT - You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.

11.SLICE - "No thanks. . .just a sliver."

12.TEES - Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.

13.WATER HAZARD - Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.

14.WEDGE - Bathing suit that's too tight

 

[moreluck]

At The Trial

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."

 

[moreluck]

New Soft Drink

Have you heard there's a new soft drink on the market that contains Viagra?

No?

It's called Mount N' Do...and it's commercial theme song is: "I'd like to teach the world to schwing"!

 

[moreluck]

You know you're a bad cook if..........

* You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

* Your family members head for the dinner table whenever they hear a fire truck siren.

* Pest-control companies pester you for your recipes.

* Your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the family grabs a fork to follow him.

* When you barbeque, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands by the phone with 911 on speed dial.

* Your dog goes to the neighbor to eat.

 

[moreluck]

Groaner...

man went into his dentist to see why his dentures kept decaying rapidly on him.

The dentist looked at his dentures and remarked, "This is very odd, they look like something's been eating them. Is there anything different that you've been eating lately?"

The man thought for a bit and said, "Well, my wife has been making a lot of eggs benedict recently with hollandaise sauce."

"Ah!" exclaimed the dentist, "That's it. I know just what you need. I'm going to order you some new dentures with plates made out of chrome."

"Chrome?" exclaimed the man incredulously, "Why Chrome?"

"Because, There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise"

 

[moreluck]

Asylum Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."

Do you agree?

"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

 

[moreluck]

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to
make
> sure my golden retriever had fresh air.
>
> She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon
her
> that she must remain there.
>
> I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and
saying
> emphatically, Now you stay..... Do you hear me?... Stay!.. Stay!"
>
> The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde(??),
gave
> me a strange look and said.
>
> "Why don't you just put it in park?" ????


.

 

[moreluck]

My Birthday

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting,

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23.

 

[moreluck]

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat?

The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

 

[moreluck]

FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING
PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:
1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:
1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another

NO GARDEN WITHOUT TURNIPS:
1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another

TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN

WE MUST HAVE THYME:
1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.