Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. You'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

 

[moreluck]

Top Nine ways to know it is NASCAR week in Las Vegas.

9. Service stations offering regular, premium or nitro.

8. All casino slot jackpot winners get a complimentary supercharger.

7. Coffee shop special, roasted roadkill.

6. Chewing tobacco sales are off the charts.

5. Most heard pickup line: "Yo baby, want me to tweek something under your hood?"

4. A Hard Rock stretched limo finishes in third place.

3. The guy in front of you in the fast food drive up line looks like Rusty Wallace; wait, it is Rusty Wallace.

2. Your neighbor paints his house to look exactly like Kurt Bush's race car.

1. Vegas hookers offering famous "burning rubber special."

 

[moreluck]

Forgetter

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say! "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???

 

[moreluck]

Let's Face Reality...

It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

You can learn many things from children ... like how much patience you have.

Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

The best thing to spend on your children is time.

 

[hubrat]

If I can hold myself to one mistake per day...

 

[moreluck]

Cheer Up

CHEER UP! There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a hamstring in one of those sissy aerobics classes.

CHEER UP! Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your knuckles with a ruler? She's 75 years old now, and she has arthritis.

CHEER UP! If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone. Don't forget that even Popeye was two-timed by Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!)

CHEER UP! The worse things get,...the less you have to lose!

CHEER UP! You'll be happy to know that your local newspaper is made of 50% recycled material. (That's 1% recycled paper; 49% recycled news articles.)

CHEER UP! Miss Manners has finally been discredited. It's rude to tell other people what to do!

CHEER UP! Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban housewife backs the family car through the garage door.

CHEER UP! No matter how bad things get, your folks still have your old bedroom ready, and you're welcome to go back home.

CHEER UP! The time you spent reading this joke could've been spent more productively. But you're not bothered because you're one of those well-adjusted people who really doesn't give a darn.

 

[moreluck]

Lawyers

Two lawyers were walking down the street once and this fine woman passed them. One lawyer said, "I'd really like to screw her!" Then the other lawyer said, "Out of what?"



Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." " Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

 

[moreluck]

International Symbol of Marriage is Approved
New York-AP- On June 30, 2005,

After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission of Human Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage.

 

[moreluck]

Nicknames that Fit!

You're an obnoxious little pest who hovers around people: NAT

You're good at archery and playing the violin: BEAU

You're hard to find, attractive, and never cheap: JULES

You help people get in shape: JIM

You're handy when it comes to fixing cars: JACK

You're always bringing legal action on somebody: SUE

You like windy weather: GAYLE

You walk around the house with a rag and spray bottle: DUSTIN

 

[moreluck]

Groaners of the Day PUNZINTENDED

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger...... Then it hit me!!

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "This one's on me."

 

[moreluck]

Southern Preacher

Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up its bed, and walk."

The congregation said "Let it walk,

Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside its hindrances and run!"

The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up its wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"

The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

 

[moreluck]

Buying Property

When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

 

[moreluck]

A new study says low levels of testosterone in older men may lead to Alzheimer's disease.

Ironically, in younger men high levels of testosterone can also render the brain completely useless.

 

[moreluck]

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

 

[moreluck]

Birthday Present

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new set of bathroom scales. Services are pending...

 

[moreluck]

You know you have a BIG dog when...

The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.

It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.

You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.

You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.

You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.

You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.

You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?"

Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

You're holding your dog straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.

 

[moreluck]

Elder Sex

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

 

[moreluck]

MEMORY LANE

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,
No need recording everything, someone was always home.

We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless at mealtime in the kitchen where we always ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family those two rooms worked just fine.

We only had one TV set, and channels, maybe two,
But always there was one of them with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks from Betty Crocker's book.

Those snacks were even healthy with the best ingredients,
No labels with a hundred things making not a bit of sense.

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.


When we took our weekend trips depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.
Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
Now nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.

Many were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch, find some trees, and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- who needs game video?

Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?

It seemed he served unselfishly, did what he knew to do,
Because he took an oath, he did his best for you.

Remember going to the store and shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it, you used your own money?


Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount,
Remember when the cashier person had to really count?

Remember when we breathed the air; it smelled so fresh and clean,
No chemicals were used at all on grass to keep it green.

The milkman used to have a route, deliver to your door,
It was just a few more cents than going to the store.

A time when all the mail came right up to your door,
Without a lot of junky ads sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name, he knew where it was sent;
There were not loads of mail addressed to "present occupant."

Remember when the words "I do" meant that you really did,
And not just temporarily, 'til someone blows their lid.
T'was no such thing as "no one's fault; or we just made mistakes,"
There was a time when married life was built on give and take.

There was a time when just one glance was all that it
would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;
But streamlined beauties, white-walled tires and fins that had real style.

Back then the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five.

The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
Then the records would drop down and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
And always we were striving, looked for that better way.

Every year that passed brought new and greater things,
Why now we program phones with music or with rings.

Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun,
Who ever heard of rules, just kick the can and run?

All the boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?


Life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
The high-tech stuff is fine, but I miss those good old days.

So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But it's sure fun to reminisce and walk down memory lane.

 

[moreluck]

Golf-related

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen .. and a week later you have to buy more.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard?

Golf is by far the ultimate love/hate relationship. Sometimes it seems as though your cup runneth and moveth over.

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine!

 

[moreluck]

G-Man

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an social security agent to interview him.

"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board."

"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

"Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!"

"You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer.