Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Off Duty Police

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed-checking equipment, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when suddenly the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his car and license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly this time. Another flash! He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result-another flash of the camera. So he makes a note to himself to contact the traffic department and tell them their machine wasn't working properly.

A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer receives an envelope in the mail from the police deparment containing three traffic citations....

each of them were for NOT wearing a seat belt.

 

[moreluck]

Hunters in Church

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

 

[moreluck]

Think About This!

I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who comes in to act like an adult while the adults go out to act like teenagers.

A band director is one person who is not afraid to face the music.

A careful driver is one who just saw the driver ahead get a ticket.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman...before marriage and after marriage

"Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting." ~ Christopher Morley

"Winning is easy...all you have to do is outlast your opponent." ~ Doug Firebaugh

"The only limitation in your life is the limitation of your own thinking." ~ James A. Ray

 

[moreluck]

WHEN I GET OLD

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy. To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head. I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone. Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish. I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye. I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel. Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!

 

[moreluck]

Beginning a Golf Game....

Two friends were beginning a game of golf. The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball, and scored a hole-in-one.

The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we'll start the game."

 

[moreluck]

85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...



The other 5% said that they don't care, they love him anyway, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

 

[moreluck]

A very gentle Southern Lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in GA one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump. (Fixing can only be used by a true Southerner in this context.) She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well, just go ahead and jump, you Yankee."

 

[moreluck]

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

7. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.

8. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

9. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

10. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.

11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

12. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.

13. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.

14. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

15. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

16. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.

17. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

18. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.

19. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.

20. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

21. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

 

[moreluck]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin. "If I hear you call 'Mother' one more time, you will be punished," she warned him sternly.

For a while it was quiet, and then she heart a small voice call from the top of the stairs, "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"

 

[moreluck]

This Day & Age

This teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We're shooting craps."

She says, "Oh! Well, that's all right. I was afraid you were praying."

 

[moreluck]

Warning Labels (for idiots....)

Warning! Keep your pants on when sitting in the Interactive Health massage chair featuring "Human Touch Technology." The full text of this important safety tip read: "Do not use massage chair without clothing." That warning is a winner of the Wacky Warning Label Contest. Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a group whose goal is to show that fear of frivolous lawsuits has led to a loss of corporate common sense, sponsors an annual contest for the wackiest warning labels.

Second Place: "Do not use snow blower on the roof."

Third Place: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."

Here are some Previous winners in the "Wacky Warning Label Contest" for your amusement and amazement:

--A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions, "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

--A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user: "Remove child before folding."

--A bottle of prescription sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

--A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

--A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

--An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks."

--A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious."

--A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."

--A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."

--A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."

 

[moreluck]

After watching that imbecile on television who claims to know what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that we too, would do the impossible...

Dog "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"

Cat "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge."

Goldfish "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

Dog "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."

Cat "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it."

Dog "Why is the baby eating my food..."

Hamster "Kill me, this wheel is boring."

 

[moreluck]

About Children!


- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing
home.

- Celibacy is not hereditary.

- Familiarity breeds children.

- For adult education, nothing beats children.

- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

 

[moreluck]

Maxine-isms

1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I
have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my !"

3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an
incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

4.Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower.
I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

5. Maxine on "The Perfect Man" - 'All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do
what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait
nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

6. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the
years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."

7. Maxine on "Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

8. Maxine on "Aging" -"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large Margarita."

 

[moreluck]

True stupid stories...

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.

The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.

A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski.

Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher)

Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.

 

[moreluck]

Bless Me, Father...

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.

 

[moreluck]

Hormone Hostage...

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

 

[moreluck]

You are from Canada:
You know you're from Manitoba, Canada, when....


You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.


You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.


The mosquitoes have landing lights.


You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.


You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.


Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.


You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.


You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.


Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.


You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.


The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.


At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.


The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.


Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.


You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.


You head south to go to your cottage.


You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.


You know which leaves make good toilet paper.


The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.


You find -40C a little chilly.


The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.


You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.


You can play road hockey on skates.


You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.


The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.


You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

 

[moreluck]

Fathers then & now:
Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2005, fathers are never truly appreciated.

 

[moreluck]

Phone songs
All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.


Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or
3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321

Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621

Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111

Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321

The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621

Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121