Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

I Could Use a Little Money

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

 

[moreluck]

Discussing the tax rates....
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

 

[moreluck]

Power of Prayer

Moshe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, and he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven, and says: "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only Kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays ...."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven, and says "Don't bother, God, I've just found one ...."

 

[moreluck]

Defining the Americans....

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

 

[moreluck]

Golf...

Earth flew in all directions as the would-be golfer tried to hit the ball. "The worms will think it's an earthquake," he said to his caddy. "Oh, I don't know," replied the caddy. "The worms around here are smart. I'll bet most of them are hiding under the ball for safety.

 

[moreluck]

Laws of Parenting...

The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

Toys multiply to fill any space available.

The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

 

[moreluck]

Accordion jokes....

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.

Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

Q: What's a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.

Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.

Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.

Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.

Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

 

[moreluck]

Angering the Irishman....

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

 

[moreluck]

Kids !!

Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly, "Did you win, Dad?" I have explained to him time and time again that you're really just playing against yourself. This time the family was on vacation and I had gone out to play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full of young kids and surrounded by dozens of parents. From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled, "Hey Dad! Were you just playing with yourself?" We checked out that night.

 

[moreluck]

Kitchen Plaque Sayings....

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen...And This Kitchen Is Delirious

Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

My next house will have no kitchen...just vending machines.

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator

 

[moreluck]

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.


DEAR DIARY ... DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today . twice !!!!

 

[moreluck]

Proud Mama

Just after school started, I was asked by my son's teacher to write a note describing my child. Soon I had a letter composed explaining how wonderfully exceptional he was. I read my comments to my husband for his opinion. When I finished, he said: "Sounds good. When do we get him?"

 

[moreluck]

SIGNS YOU'RE AN EMPTY-NESTER...

You no longer save every penny for tuition. Now you're saving for the wedding.

You start cooking food you haven't tasted in years because the kids wouldn't eat it.

You can't seem to break the habit of doing six loads of laundry every day, so now each load contains exactly four socks.

You can't remember the last time you read the words: "Some Assembly Required."

You're the proud new owner of an exercise room. And a craft room. And a media room....

You realize one day that your house is cleaner than it's been in two decades.

You still stop at every rest area on the expressway from force of habit.

You kind of miss the feeling of stepping on a toy in the middle of the night.

You're going to the movies more often on the money you saved at the grocery store.

At least three times per day you pick up the phone to make sure it's still working.

 

[moreluck]

Things Stressed Women Say At Work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Un*uck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8.1 started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet? .

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off!!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18.1 work 60 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like . Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If s could fly, this place would be an airport.

 

[moreluck]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home early.

She puts Her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is
in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man : "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go

outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my

baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that

that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to

church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the

confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that again, you're in my closet now.

 

[moreluck]

Admission Of Women To Golf Club


Admission Of Women To Golf Club Skyline Golf Club Memo to all members! Re: The admission of women to the club.

Since the admission of women to the club, members are asked to obey the following rules.

1. Ladies are prohibited from touching the gentlemen's balls either with hands or club.

2. Players are requested to remain silent during the short strokes.

3. All players with partners are requested to come together. When the lady partner comes first, the gentleman must not delay his strokes but continue playing.

4. In cases where a long position is impossible, the players may so choose a new position.

5. Players deciding on a new lay must start at least a club's length from the hole.

6. Members are requested to stay out of any hole, showing signs of recent repair or undergoing monthly overhaul until the red flag has been lifted.

7. All holes must be kept clean at all times.

8. Members are also urged to use reasonable precautions at all times as the Management cannot be held responsible for balls lost in the bushes around the holes.

 

[moreluck]

All of life's annoyances
Doesn't It Annoy You When...


...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?


...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?


...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?


...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?


...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.


...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.


...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.


...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.


...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.


...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.


...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.


...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.


...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.


...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.


...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.


...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

 

[moreluck]

Visiting Grandma...

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?

 

[moreluck]

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

 

[moreluck]

RETIREMENT...

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after they fall asleep on Couch.

Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses
to retire?
A. NUTS!

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q. Why does a retiree often say they don't miss work, but misses the
people they used to work with?
A. They are too polite to tell the whole truth.