Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Because I Am A Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (friend.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice).

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

 

[moreluck]

Anniversary

On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head: "....underwater."

 

[moreluck]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:

No Jesus.
No Wal-Mart.
No television.
No cheerleaders.
No baseball.
No football.
No basketball.
No hockey.
No golf.
No tailgate parties.
No Home Depot.
No pork BBQ.
No hot dogs.
No burgers.
No lobster.
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.
No gumbo.
No jambalaya.
More than one wife. (HELLO, ARE YOU CRAZY?)
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
No chocolate chip cookies.
No Girl Scout cookies.
No Christmas.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really. IS THERE ANY MYSTERY HERE?



God Bless Our Troops

 

[moreluck]

Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon.....


Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."


Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.


Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.


Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist


Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.


Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.


Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.


Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.


Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.


Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.


Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.


"Jaws of Life" in trunk.


The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.


When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"


You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.


Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.


The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

 

[moreluck]

School Answering Machine - - This is hilarious, no wonder some
> people were offended!
>
> This is the message the Pacific Palisades High School (California)
> voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering
> machine. This came about because they implemented a policy
> requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's
> absences and missing home work. The school and teachers are being
> sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed
> to passing grades though those children were absent 15-30 times
> during the semester and did not complete enough school work to
> pass their classes.
>
> This is the actual answering machine message for the school:
>
> "Hello! You have reached the automatic answering service of your
> school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
person,

> please listen to all your options before making a selection.
>
> To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
>
> To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
>
> To complain about what we do - Press 3
>
> To swear at staff members - Press 4
>
> To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
> your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
>
> If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
>
> If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
>
> To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
>
> To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
>
> To complain about school lunches - Press 0
>
> If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
> accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
> homework, and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child's lack
> of effort ... hang up and have a nice day!
***********************************************************

 

[moreluck]

AMERICA

A is for the Attitudes that conquer any quest

M is for the Multitudes who know just why they're blessed

E pluribus unum from sea to shining sea

R for all the Riches found where everyone is free

I for Individuals who sacrifice their all

C because our Christian faith will answer every call, so one more

A for Attitudes that live inside of us

God has blessed America 'cause God is who we trust.

~William Heffner,

 

[moreluck]

Murphy's Laws...

* A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

* A free agent is anything but.

* As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.

* Exceptions always outnumber rules.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

* If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

* Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

* Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

* Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price..

* No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

* No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

* People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

* The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

* The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

* The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

* The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

* The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

* The one item you want is never the one on sale.

* The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys..

* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

* Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.

* When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

* You never want the one you can afford.

 

[moreluck]

You Know You're In California When...


The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.


You know how to eat an artichoke.


The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.


Your car has bulletproof windows.


Left is right and right is wrong.


Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.


You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains 'significant others'.

Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.

You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers

When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

 

[moreluck]

Post #5000

The Redneck and the Gorilla.....
A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First, " he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well, " said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

 

[moreluck]

If My Body Were A Car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading
it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my
finish
and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish.
They were once as sleek as little MG; now they look more like an old
Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams.

My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up All belts when Krispy Cremes
Opened a shop in my neighborhood! Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have
these days are under my eyes...not counting the saddlebags ~~ of course.

I have Soooo many miles on my Odometer. Sure I've been many places and
seen many things, but when's the last time an Appraiser factored life
experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus
and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide
and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach
my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's
the worst of it almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter....either my
radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires'

 

[moreluck]

Scotsman

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

 

[moreluck]

Airport Encounters

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

 

[moreluck]

The Iowa Taxidermist In Alabama ....

This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

 

[moreluck]

Entering into Heaven....

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

 

[moreluck]

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy
but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up
and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be
happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby.
We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked her how she knew. She said,
>
>
>(You're going to love this!)
>
>

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

 

[moreluck]

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of Jesus' family. After the pictures were brought to her, she saw that some of the youngsters had drawn the conventional pictures, the family and the manger, the family riding on the mule, and so on.

But she called up one little boy to ask him to explain his drawing, which showed an airplane with four heads sticking out of the windows. She said, "I can understand you drew three of the heads to show Joseph, Mary and Jesus. But who's the fourth head?"

"Oh," answered the boy, "that's Pontius the pilot!"

 

[moreluck]

Facts About Women

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.

16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

17. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

18. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.

21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.

22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's there in the bible". hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?

23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"

24. Women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.

25. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will callthe same friend and they will talk for three hours.

28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, to empty the garbage, to answer the phone, to read a book, or to get the mail.

30. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

31. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

32. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse. )

33. The first naked man that woman see is "Ken".

34. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

35. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.

36. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

37. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

38. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

39. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

40a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.

40b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.

43. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

 

[moreluck]

Are You A Golf Nut?

Here are 20 ways to tell:

1. Your idea of a good time is staying home and watching the British Open on a Saturday night.

2. You curse the game only to play it the next day.

3. You haven't puked from seeing the same faces regularly for four and half hours.

4. You see your drive ahead of everyone else and talk about it for a week.

5. You secretly wish evil on your flightmates.

6. A golf store has a magnetic effect on your walk.

7. You cringe when your better half asks you if you have anything to do on Sunday.

8. Your golf attire becomes your everyday wear.

9. Your toilet seat gets covered with a stack of golf books and magazines.

10. You make small practice swings inside the church while hearing mass.

11. You get burned by the sun and you're proud of it.

12. You can open a video store with the number of golf tapes you own.

13. Ten inches of rain has no effect on your decision to play.

14. When your caddy says he sees lightning, your reply is "what lightning?"

15. You go to the practice range and tries to give golf tips to the person on the next stall.

16. Your bumper sticker reads: MY OTHER CAR IS A GOLF CART.

17. People in your family gets their supply of suntan lotion from you when they go swimming.

18. A day at the beach means you hit too many sand traps.

19. Your spouse complains because you try to bring your clubs to bed, (to keep them warm, dry, and safe, of course) demanding that you choose between them and the clubs....And you hesitate before answering.

20. You took the time to read this.

 

[moreluck]

Peter Marshall's List of Favorite Answers From "Hollywood Squares"...

-According to Movie Life Magazine, Ann Margaret would like to start having babies, soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.

-What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

-Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

-When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

-Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.

-Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNNE: An engagement ring.

-According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.

-True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward
them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

-You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.

-If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

-Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.

-You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.

-True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.

-According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

-Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

-Question: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
PAUL LYNDE: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

 

[moreluck]

3 BODIES...

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body was that of a Frenchman, age 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body was a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. He died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Alabama, age 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."