Heard any good ones?

[susiedriver]

The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are all flying on Air Force One.

George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Cheney then adds, "Well of course then, I could throw a hundred $10.00 bills Out the window and make one hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says to his co-pilot, "Such big shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make 156 million people very happy!"

 

[moreluck]

A Woman's Dictionary...

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire".

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus...breath...push...Good Girl!"

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone, who is able to create a style, you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician".

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day ,when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.

 

[moreluck]

women

Why do women dress to emphasize body parts men are already looking at? The short skirts, the push-up-bras, do we really need the coaching? I'm sure men are total failures at every aspect of conducting a relationship, but you're going to tell me we need help with the leering and gawking?

 

[moreluck]

Dentures


A couple of elderly gents were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend said that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was playing yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin.... and that was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

 

[moreluck]

I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.

"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.

The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."

 

[moreluck]

Who Will Trick-or-Treat With Me?

The first year she was a pumpkin and she donned a bright orange smock. Her daddy took her trick-or-treating, though she had not learned to walk.

The next year she was a bunny and on one leg, she would hop while her left ear stood up straight and the right would swing and flop.

Then a bride costume from Grandpa; a long skirt and lacy blouse, but she tripped over the train...so daddy carried her to each house.

The fourth year brought us Lion King and she roared both day and night. She was either "Simba" or was "Nala." (I never could get that right!)

The next Halloween as she got dressed, she just kept on asking why...if she was indeed "Supergirl,"why then could she not fly?

Her sixth year, she was all in pink protecting us all from danger, as she kicked and "karate-chopped" the air as "Kimberly, the Power Ranger."

When she was seven, she wore a yellow gown. She was "Beauty," to say the least,insisting that her little sister, by default, was the "Beast."

In my heart I knew the time would come; and this year our walk together ends. She said, "it's not cool for mom to go; I want to walk with all my friends."

So, I'm figuring out what I will say; rehearsing one excuse after another, in case she notices the "ghost" behind her walks a little bit like her mother!

And I still have Halloweens to come; my other daughter is only three. What worries me is...when she grows up, who will trick or treat with me?

~ Author Unknown

 

[moreluck]

FORE

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell '<font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font>!'"

 

[moreluck]

YOU MIGHT BE A TEACHER IF...



- You believe the teacher's lounge should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

- You want to slap the next person who says, "It must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have the summer off."

- You believe chocolate is a food group.

- You can tell it's a full moon without looking outside.

- You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.

- When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you don't know and correct their behavior.

- You think people should get government permits before they can reproduce.

- You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

- You can't have children because there is no name you can think of that doesn't give you high blood pressure.

- You think caffeine should be given intravenously.

 

[moreluck]

Usher

While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting people to their seats before the service began.

After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit. Looking con-fused, the young man smiled and said, "Nonsmoking, please

 

[moreluck]

7th Commandment

While delivering a sermon on the Seventh Commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," our pastor commented that this sin is not always taken as seriously as it used to be. He used as an example Hester Prynne, in Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. After being found guilty of adultery, Hester had to appear in public with an "A" displayed on her clothing. Following the sermon, a visiting male choir, the Ambassadors, faced the congregation-with a brightly embroidered "A" on each of their blazers.

 

[moreluck]

Mysterious Black Box

There was a Captain of a ship. Everyday at a certain time he locked himself up in his cabin to look inside a mysterious black box. He did this every day, but he told nobody what was inside that box.

Then one day he died and in his testament he wrote: "Now you can open the black box."

So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper, on it was written "Starboard is right, port is left."

 

[robjoy]

now that's a good one.

 

[moreluck]

trick or treat

Trick or Treat


The weather for Halloween was miserable-freezing rain and 30 m.p.h. winds. When the doorbell rang, I answered it and noticed a father alone at the end of the sidewalk bouncing from one foot to the other, trying to keep warm. "You look as though you could use a treat," I called to him.

When he nodded a vigorous yes, I asked, "Bourbon or Scotch?" He said bourbon would be fine. I left to get his drink, and when I got back to the door, four other wet and cold fathers were lined up in a row. "Trick or Treat!" they chorused.

 

[moreluck]

Career Day

Its career day in the fourth grade, and the teacher instructs her students to stand up, state a parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parents would do if they were there that day.

One youngster stands up and says, My mother is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if she were here today, she would help you balance your checkbook.

Good, says the teacher, then points to another boy. The youngster stands up and says, My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no ....L-E-C-K- no....

The teacher interrupts. Never mind, Johnny, you can sit down, think about it and give it another try later, and she calls on another little fellow.

My dads a bookie, says the boy. Thats B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today hed give you 10 to 1 odds that theres no way Johnnys ever gonna spell electrician.

 

[moreluck]

THE IRISHMAN AND THE ELEPHANT



An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.

The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.

"Is that right?" he asked the boy.

"Oh yes," the boy said.

The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager.

The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice. Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "BeGabbers, he's right ... farty-two!""

 

[moreluck]

Circus elephant

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. (Ever tried doing the Heimlich on a pachyderm?) Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunk full of downy feathers. Yep! That's what he gets for snorting quack

 

[moreluck]

Heaven

A kindly old man died peacefully and found himself resurrected in the middle of a country road. And behold! Running toward him was his favorite dog! He knelt and embraced his long lost pet in tearful reunion. After some time, the dog seemed anxious to walk the road in what seemed to be the direction of the rising sun. The man followed.
Before long, they came to a fence of wrought gold, with pearly gates, behind which there stood mansion upon mansion. The gatekeeper, a tall man in flowing white robes, greeted the man, and welcomed him to enter.

"But what exactly is this place?" said the man, who had been a lifelong agnostic.

"This," said the gatekeeper, "is Heaven. But you'll have to leave him outside. We have a strict no-pets policy."

The man stood in confusion for some moments. His face became grim. "No thanks," he said. "I'll take my chances with my dog."

For a long time, the man and his dog wandered down the road. At last they came to an unpretentious farming community with no fences or gates of any kind. What appeared to be a contented old farmer was sitting on a stool next to an old-fashioned hand operated water pump. The dog ran up to the farmer, who petted him, and gave him some water.

"Where is this place?" asked the man.

"This is Heaven," answered the farmer. "It's all around you. You've been in it, or at least the outskirts of it ever since you died."

"But that fellow back yonder behind the pearly gates said that place was Heaven." replied the man.

"Nah, that's Hell," replied the farmer. "We leave the entrance there to weed out the hypocrites who'd leave their best friend behind."

 

[traveler]

A baby was born so advanced in development that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.

The baby motioned him closer, and then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger.

"Hurts, doesn't it!"

 

[traveler]

What is a Tragedy? Children just tell it like it is with no sugar coating.


Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the
middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."


So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."


One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.?


"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."


A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."


"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we
would call a great loss."


The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."


"Fantastic!" exclaims <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com /><st1:City w:st=Jackson</st1:City>, "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be a tragedy?"


"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and
it probably wouldn't be an accident."

 

[moreluck]

When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory." --Anonymous USAF LTC