Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

 

[moreluck]

REALTOR TERMS


When they say and what they really mean...

* SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a noisy bar.

* OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from April to October.

* WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed supporting walls.

* SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog.

* NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage.

* UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.

* MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market for 14 years.

* CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance ramp.

* MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

* NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.

* MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing.

* COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6.

* LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.

* LIGHT OPEN SPACES - Many holes in walls and ceiling.

* OUTSTANDING - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.

* A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES - Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies.

* BOX ROOM - Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes ... folded.

* BY PRIVATE TREATY - If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.

* COMPACT - Tiny.

* COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S RESIDENCE - No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

* DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - It looks terrible.

* DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - In flight path of nuclear bomber base.

* EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.

* EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

* FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds like a jungle.

* LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE - About to be condemned.

* MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.

* OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.

* PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING - The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

* PERIOD RESIDENCE - Built in the last two years.

* QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of proposed dormitory town.

* RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else want's it.

* SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - Beside sewage works.

* SOLD - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

* SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS - They have just discovered death watch beetle.

* UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted for field next door.

* UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof.

* UNUSUAL LOCATION - In the path of a projected motorway.

* USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet.

* WELL SITUATED - In full view of the neighbors.

* WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.

 

[moreluck]

Good Jury

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury." The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jud mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jud's pecker." The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that..."

 

[moreluck]

Fond of Chickens....

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the very next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" -- all the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" -- all the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." -- half the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" -- all the nuns stood up.

 

[moreluck]

"Irritation, Aggravation And Frustration"

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Roger, please?" "No! There's no one called Roger here." The person hangs up. "That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time. "No, there's no one here called Roger. Go away. Don't call again!" "That's aggravation," says Dad.

"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time: "Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"

 

[moreluck]

THE HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY


Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

 

[moreluck]

Vacation Condo

We were trying to decide where to go for a ski holiday, and the travel agent was showing my parents and me brochures of various condos and hotels. She explained that all the units with stoves, fridges and dishwashers were marked with SC, which stood for "self- contained" units. "Nonsense," my mother corrected. "It really means 'she cooks.'"

 

[moreluck]

SPOT



A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one-second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"Spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot!" she called out sharply.

'I've got it made,' thought the fellow to himself. 'One more and I'll feel fine'. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!!!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he craps on you!"

 

[moreluck]

Preacher's Kid

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister hears the intoning of a prayer that nearly makes his collar wilt.

Investigating, the minister discovers that his five-year-old son and playmates have found a dead robin. The children, feeling that the little bird ought to have a proper burial, have put the bird in a small box and dug a hole for a grave.

As the one chosen to say the appropriate prayers, the minister's son is mimicking his father's sonorous dignity and repeating what he thinks he's heard his father say: "Glory be unto the Faaaather ... and unto the Sonnnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."

 

[moreluck]

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About My Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people

4. To you, it's an animal, To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids .. they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug- using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!

 

[moreluck]

Halloween Quickies. . . . . .

What did the skeleton say to the vampire? You suck.

Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray...

What is a vampires least favorite food? Steak.

What do they teach in witching school? Spelling.

How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? So long sucker!

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? Fasten your sheet belts...

Why was there no food left after the monster's party? Because everybody was a-goblin!

Why was the little ghost crying? Because he had a BOO-BOO!

What's a Vampire's favorite fruit? NECKtarine!

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? A Hoblin Goblin!

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts!

Why does a Mummy make a bad birthday gift? Because he is too hard to unwrap!

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? Ghoul-aid!

What is a Mummy's favorite type of music? Wrap!

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.

What are a ghost's favorite kind of streets? Dead ends.

What happens when two vampires meet? It is love at first bite!

What do you call a little monsters parents? Mummy and Deady.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon? Sour-puss.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.

 

[moreluck]

Raisin Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties to work the counter.

One day a young man enters the store, eyes the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread high on the shelves, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, and the young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with a magnificent view, just as he had hoped. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two more loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, another male customer notices what is going on. Thinking quickly as the clerk again descends to the counter, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of yet another male customer. Pretty soon each fellow in the store is successively asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up to the top shelf.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. Finding herself yet again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells down,

"Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."

 

[moreluck]

In A Perfect World...

...a person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17, and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.

...you could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.

...forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.

...doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.

...pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.

...people would always have good reasons to be optimistic.

...you would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.

...the mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.

...if the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but he would do it.

...all people would expect to be accepted.

...every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."

...highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.

...the better food tasted, the less calories it would have.

...warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.

...more would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.

 

[moreluck]

What Makes Life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E friend G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

 

[moreluck]

You're No Longer a Kid When....

Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.

Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

Being bad is no longer cool.

You have friends who have kids.

Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

Your parents' jokes are now funny.

You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.

Christmas starts to make you mad.

You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

Naps are good.

Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.

You have once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".

When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.

You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.

You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

You WANT clothes for Christmas.

You don't want a a fancy sportscar because of the insurance premiums.

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

You've bought an album on vinyl.

You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.

 

[moreluck]

---I feel like my body has gotten
totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness
club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for
seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for
an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

[moreluck]

Buy a Drink

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Alabama. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

[moreluck]

Altered English .....

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:



Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

And, the pick of the bunch:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an .

 

[moreluck]

A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts

Christmas shopping time is upon us. Here are a few suggestions. This is surely going to be a big help!

Rule #1:When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include any big name hardware, tire, lumber and home improvement stores. (Any Auto Parts store is also a great men's store. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a baseball, football or ice hockey game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

>Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a chainsaw!

 

[moreluck]

Bad, But True Headlines . . . . . .

March Planned For Next August

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation