Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

THOUGHTS ABOUT CATS......

Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, "Go ahead, you can make it."

In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm)

"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it...and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove- lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." ~Mark Twain:

 

[moreluck]

GO GET YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMED


>For years and years they told me,
>Be careful of your breasts.
>Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
>And give them monthly tests.


>So I heeded all their warnings,
>And protected them by law.
>Guarded them very carefully,
>And I always wore my bra.


>After 30 years of astute care,
>My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
>Said I should get a Mammogram
>"OK," I said, "let's do it."


>"Stand up here real close" she said,
>(She got my boob in line),
>"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
>"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."


>She stepped upon a pedal,
>I could not believe my eyes!
>A plastic plate came slamming down,
>My hooter's in a vise!


>My skin was stretched and mangled,
>From underneath my chin.
>My poor boob was being squashed,
>To Swedish Pancake thin.


>Excruciating pain I felt,
>Within it's viselike grip.
>A prisoner in this vicious thing,
>My poor defenseless tit!


>"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
>Who does she think she's kidding?!?
>My chest is mashed in her machine,
>And woozy I am getting.


>"There, that's good," I heard her say,
>(The room was slowly swaying.)
>"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
>Have mercy, I was praying.


>It squeezed me from both up and down,
>It squeezed me from both sides.
>I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
>To HER tender little hide.


>Next time that they make me do this,
>I will request a blindfold.
>I have no wish to see again,
>My knockers getting steam rolled.


>If I had no problem when I came in,
>I surely have one now.
>If there had been a cyst in there,
>It would have gone "ker-pow!"


>This machine was created by a man,
>Of this, I have no doubt.
>I'd like to stick his balls in there,
>And, see how THEY come out!

 

[moreluck]

http://www.thecaremovie.com/

Women,

This is a very nice piece to view. Ignore the solicitation at the end, I didn't know how to remove it.

 

[moreluck]

Dad's Words of Wisdom

I'll tell you why. Because I said so. That's why.

I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!

I'm not sleeping, I was watching that channel.

I'm not watching television. I'm resting my eyes.

If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.

It's hard to be good, and easy to be bad.

No, we're not there yet.

Sit up straight!

So you think you're smart, do you?

This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

Turn off those lights.

Two wrongs do not make a right.

We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are.

Were you raised in a barn?

What did I just get finished telling you?

What do you think I am, a bank?

What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?

What part of NO don't you understand?

What's so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.

When I was your age, I treated my father with respect.

Who said life was supposed to be fair.

Worrying about things you can't change is like a rocking chair... it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

You call that a haircut?

You call that noise "music"?

You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.

You should visit more often. Your mother worries.

You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.

You're not leaving this house dressed like that! What will other parents think?

Young ladies perspire, they do not sweat.

 

[moreluck]

Things a True Southerner Knows:

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.

The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.

How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means.

Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!

A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

Real gravy don't come from the store.

When "by and by" is.

How to handle their "pot likker".

The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece".

The differences between a redneck and a good ol' boy.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.

Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history
lessons

 

[moreluck]

The Miracle Shot...

At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.

The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.

As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."

 

[moreluck]

Pearly Gates....

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected. He queries the first candidate:"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You may enter" says the Angel. Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter.

Now it is the third man's turn. "My annual salary was $8,000." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what instrument did you play?"

 

[moreluck]

WINNERS ARE PEOPLE LIKE YOU......

Winners take chances. Like everyone else, they fear failing, but they refuse to let fear control them.

Winners don't give up. When life gets rough, they hang in until the going gets better.

Winners are flexible. They realize there is more than one way and are willing to try others.

Winners know they are not perfect. They respect their weaknesses while making the most of their strengths.

Winners fall, but they don't stay down. They stubbornly refuse to let a fall keep them from climbing.

Winners don't blame fate for their failures nor luck for their successes.

Winners accept responsibility for their lives.

Winners are positive thinkers who see good in all things... from the ordinary, they make the extraordinary.

Winners believe in the path they have chosen even when it's hard, even when others can't see where they are going,

Winners are patient. They know a goal is only as worthy as the effort that's required to achieve it.

Winners are people like you. They make this world a better place to be. (Nancye Sims)

 

[Unregistered]

oh changed that way

the boards are much different. Guess it has been so long since I have been here that my user name is gon as well.
Guest = Mojobuc

 

[moreluck]

The Constitution......

The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said, "Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?"

Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?"

"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves."

"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?"

"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?'"

 

[moreluck]

******** Reporters interviewing a
104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being
104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."



********** Just before the funeral services,
the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're
96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home,
is

 

[moreluck]

Seven Definitions Of A Cat....

1. A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

2. A four footed allergen.

3. A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

4. A treat-seeking missile.

5. A wildlife control expert impersonator.

6. A hair relocation expert.

7. An un-programmable animal.

 

[tieguy]

"Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through"


thats priceless

 

[moreluck]

A FEW GROANERS.....

A dentist married a manicurist but they didn't get along so well. They kept fighting tooth and nail.

I visited a castle in England. Late one evening I saw a man in a suit of armor carrying a torch. He was the knight light.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. His summer, however, was lousy.

The sea never speaks to the shore. It just waves.

It only takes one mystery writer to change a light bulb, but he has to give it a good twist.

Is someone who gives a healing massage in Egypt called a Cairo- practor?

 

[UPSPaul]

A Woman Was Shopping At Her Local Supermarket Where She Selected:


1 Half-gallon Of 2% Milk,
1 Dozen Eggs,
1 Quart Of Orange Juice,
1 Head Of Romaine Lettuce,
2 Lbs. Of Coffee,
1 Lb. Package Of Bacon.

As She Was Unloading Her Items On The Conveyor Belt To Check Out, A Drunk Standing Behind Her Watched As She Placed The Items In Front Of The Cashier. While The Cashier Was Ringing Up Her Purchases, The Drunk Calmly Stated," You Must Be Single."


The Woman Was A Bit Startled By This Proclamation, But She Was Intrigued By The Derelict's Intuition, Since She Was Indeed Single. She Looked At Her Six Items On The Belt And Saw Nothing Particularly Unusual About Her Selections That Could Have Tipped Off The Drunk To Her Marital Status.

Curiosity Getting The Better Of Her, She Said "well, You Know What,you're Absolutely Correct. But How On Earth Did You Know That?"



The Drunk Replied, "'cause You're Ugly."

 

[moreluck]

Just Guess

Under certain conditions, U.S. taxpayers are required to file an estimated income tax return. A friend of mine is so upset by this that he sends his in without either name or address.

His reasoning? "If they're gonna make me guess how much I'm gonna make, then they can guess who the hell sent it in!"

 

[moreluck]

My twenty-four-year-old bachelor son escorted me to a wedding. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with their candles and then blew out their own. With that he brightened and whispered, "I've never seen that done before."

I whispered back, "You know what it means, don't you?"

His response: "No more old flames?"

 

[moreluck]

Jump School

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, a new recruit eagerly asked his Recruiter what he could expect from jump school.

"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."

"What else," the recruit asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys, The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" asked the recruit.

"The third week, the fools jump."

 

[moreluck]

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC."

After the teacher asked the pupil what 'DC' stood for, the student added, "Dot com!"

 

[moreluck]

Travelling Fleas

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs.

Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that biker's mustache!