Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Take a sweater...



Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked
how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll
outof bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his
buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do
it!

We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas
morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on
the links.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife
such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the
cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says, "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
the manual."

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like
they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense
for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well, babe,
is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take a sweater'"

 

[moreluck]

DNA Test

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

 

[moreluck]

How may gangsters does it take to change a light bulb?

"Twelve. You gotta problem with that?"

 

[moreluck]

Maybe these companies should have thought a little more laterally about their domain names:

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try: www.therapistfinder.com

And there is an Italian Power-Generation company: www.powergenitalia.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

 

[moreluck]

Represent Christmas. . . .


Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

 

[moreluck]

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?

A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"

The nympho says, "Are you done already?"

The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

 

[moreluck]

Portrait.....

A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex."

"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 

[moreluck]

CDC WARNING

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.

If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

 

[moreluck]

Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works, even the urinal's are gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone."Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

 

[moreluck]

Dogs and Men

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

 

[moreluck]

Fountain of Youth.....

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.

The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountainof Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30."

The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?"

The man looks a little taken aback but replies "You probably could, if you took two pills".

 

[moreluck]

Glasses.....

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

 

[moreluck]

Doctor's Orders...

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine", the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

 

[moreluck]

~A Creed To Live By~

Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself to others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.

Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.

Don't let life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.

Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn to be brave.

Don't shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love. The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don't dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; to be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but, also where you are going. Life is not a race, but, a journey to be savored each step of the way.

 

[moreluck]

Pastor

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "To hear a replay of this week's sermon, push the button."

 

[moreluck]

Santa Gets Stressed......


Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year.
Love,
Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? Boy, she's a hottie. He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane! Let me get you some LEGOs instead.
Santa



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, pony, and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? What a ferret name.
Santa



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss ? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal. Santa


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house... Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE Timmy.

Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get in to our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself 'Marky.' That's why you're getting your butt whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!
Santa

 

[moreluck]

A Better Turkey...

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.

"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"Don't know" said the farmer. "Never could catch the sucker!"

 

[moreluck]

Office Christmas Party:


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols . . . feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!



FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
Happy now?



FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . . . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?



FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the rest rooms. Did I miss anything?



FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice -- what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???



FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?



FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&!*# salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes... but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!



FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off.

 

[moreluck]

The Toy Factory...
A factory in America makes Tickle Me Elmo toys and the toy laughs when
you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired and she reports for her
first
day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open
the
door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is
incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast. The
Personnel manager
decides to see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory
floor.
When they get there the assembly line is so backed up that there are Tickle
Me Elmo's all over the factory floor. At the end of the line is the new
employee
surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as
she cuts
a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully
sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel manager bursts
into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together
and approaches the woman. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a
straight
face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'

 

[moreluck]

SICKOS......

What do beekeepers get? HIVES.

What do airline pilots get? FLU.

What do computer geeks get? SLIPPED DISCS.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? MISSLE TOE.

What do firefighters get? WATER ON THE KNEE.

What do workers at McDonald's get? FALLEN ARCHES.

What do carpenters get? SHINGLES.

What do spies get? SEE-SICKNESS.

What do basketball players get? HOOPING COUGH.

What do watchmakers get? ALL WOUND UP!