Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

One Wish For Christmas

... If I had 1 wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world
to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.

If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for:
1: All the Children of the world to sing together
2: $1,000,000 tax free

If I had 3 wishes this Christmas:
1: Kids singing together
2: $1,000,000 tax free per year for life
3: To have all encompassing power over the universe

If I had 4 wishes this Christmas:
1: The crap about the kids
2: $1,000,000
3: All encompassing power
4: 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days, brought about by 2 supermodels.

Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible.
So, let's rearrange:
1: All encompassing power
2: The orgasm
3: The money

OH! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in.

Now, my wish this Christmas would be:

1: The power
2: To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell
3. The orgasm
4. The Money

 

[moreluck]

Are You a Scrooge ??

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge.

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away
-- you just might be a Scrooge

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas
-- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton -- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson
-- you just might be a Scrooge

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night
-- you just might be a Scrooge

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts
-- you just might be a Scrooge

If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon
-- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park
- - you just might be a Scrooge

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log
-- you just might be a Scrooge

If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie
-- you just might be a Scrooge

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat
-- you just might be a Scrooge

If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets
-- you just might be a scrooge

If your favorite pasttime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with egg nog
-- you just might be a Scrooge

If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin
-- you just might be a Scrooge

 

[moreluck]

Snack Time

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.

"Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.

"Me neither. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.

"O.K." said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

 

[moreluck]

SIGNS THE RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC IS REALLY GETTING BAD

You can change a tire without losing your place in line.

The deodorant companies now make a product you can use under your vehicle's bumpers.

You get mixed feelings when you see an opening in traffic. You're glad to move up, but you wonder who died.

Roadmaps are useless because you're going where the other cars take you, anyway.

The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off.

You sit in traffic so long you have to get off at the next exit to make a car payment.

The only way to change lanes is to buy the car next to you.

 

[moreluck]

Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged........

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why


OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

 

[moreluck]

Dog's Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They
may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will
appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts.
Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem
to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look
with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a
prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations.
Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for
your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
- Don't pee on the tree
- Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
- Mind your tail when you are near the tree
- If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell
interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them
open
- Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking
hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come
visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but
they also call for some discretion on your part:
- Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
- Don't eat off the buffet table
- Beg for goodies subtly
- Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
- Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners
will also be important:
- Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other
people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
- Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the
house
- Tolerate children
- Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge
from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!

 

[moreluck]

Christmas Shorties....


How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

 

[moreluck]

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a$$holes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little schits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

 

[moreluck]

WELFARE OFFICE
A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know I just

HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive

around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[moreluck]

Ol Blue


A young Southern boy goes off to The University of Alabama , but about 1/3 way
through
>> the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents
gave
>> him.
>>
>> Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you
won't
>> believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,
>> they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to
>> talk!"
>>
>> "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in
>> that program?"
>>
>> "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him
>> into the course."
>>
>> So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through
the
>> semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
>>
>> "So how's Ol e Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
>>
>> "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he lies, "but you just
won't
>> believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that
>> they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
>>
>> "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get
>> him in that program?"
>>
>> "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
>>
>> His father sends the money.
>>
>> The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
>> out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
>>
>> When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I
>> just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
>>
>> "Dad," the boy says, "I have som e grim news. This morning, when I
got
>> out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in
>> the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then
>> he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around
>> with that little redhead who lives on <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:Street w:st="on"><st1:address w:st="on">Oak Street</st1:address></st1:Street>?'
>>
>> The father says, "I hope you SHOT that SOB before he
talks
>> to your Mother!"
>>
>> "I sure did, Dad!"
>>
>> "That's my boy"
>>

 

[moreluck]

You know the difference between Washington and Las Vegas? In Las Vegas the drunks gamble with their own money.

 

[moreluck]

Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

 

[moreluck]

Rejected Christmas Movie Titles......


15. "Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street -- A Times Square
Christmas"

14. Spike Lee's "Get On the Sleigh"

13. Van Damme IS "Santa Claude"

12. Michael Jackson stars in "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"

11. "The Deep II -- A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted"

10. "There's No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown"

9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in
"Naked Buns II"

8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in "Grumpy Old Elves"

7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in "Reindeer Man" ("Of course,
I'd be an excellent President.")

6. "It's a Wonderful Life, My Ass -- Pass the Malt Liquor"

5. Steven Segal IS "MissleToe"

4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

3. He's got a red nose and an Uzi. And he's about to teach them
some "new" reindeer games in "Rudolph II -- First Blood"

2. "Blazing Saddles 2 -- How the Stench Stole Christmas"

1. "No, YOU Open It!" -- 'A Ted Kaczynski Christmas'

 

[moreluck]

Laws of Life......

When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)

When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)

Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)

Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)

Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)"

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.(The donking principle)

After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)

 

[moreluck]

I took my four-year-old daughter on a shopping trip. I was delighted when, after 20 minutes of circling, I found a place to park. As Amy and I were walking to the store, she suddenly exclaimed, "Mommy, I know why people have to die." Taken aback, I asked, "Why?"

"Well, if they didn't," she replied, "there'd be no place to park!"

 

[moreluck]

A Reason.....
I read a story once of a group of Jews who were escaping the Nazis. They were walking over a mountain and they carried with them the sick and the old and the children. A lot of old people fell by the wayside and said, "I'm a burden; go on without me. They were told, "The mothers need rest, so instead of just sitting there and dying, would you take the babies and walk as far as you can?" Once the old people got the babies close to their bosom and started walking, they all went over the mountain. They had a reason to live.

 

[moreluck]

"Avoiding the Flu: The Fun Way" They Say:

1.Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

2.Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

3.Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

4.Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

5.Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

6. Get plenty of rest.

7. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR ... You can take the doctor's office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs!

SO......

1. Walk to the liquor store = exercise.

2. Put a lime in your Corona = fruit.

3. Put some celery in your Bloody Mary = veggies.

4. Drink on the bar patio = fresh air.

5. Get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh = eliminate stress.

6. Pass out = rest!

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up,any and all of the flu germs can't get you!!!! CHEERS!

 

[moreluck]

There's a subtle difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

[susiedriver]

BREAKING!! Top Ten New President Bush Strategies For Victory in Iraq...
10. Make an even larger 'Mission Accomplished' sign
9. Encourage Iraqis to settle their feud like Dave and Oprah
8. Put that go-getter Michael Brown in charge
7. Launch slogan, 'It's not Iraq, it's Weraq'
6. Just do whatever he did when he captured Osama
5. A little more vacation time at the ranch to clear his head
4. Pack on a quick 30 pounds and trade places with Jeb
3. Wait, you mean it ain't going well?
2. Boost morale by doing his hilarious 'Locked Door' gag
1. Place Saddam back in power and tell him, 'It's your problem now, dude'
---Late Show with David Letterman

 

[moreluck]

Seeing Eye Cat

I don't see the purpose of cats. Dogs can protect you, can sniff out things, and can be your eyes if you're blind. Could you imagine a seeing-eye cat? The first person who walks by with an untied shoelace, and you're history.