Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers.....

• The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for a public office.
• Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
• Finally 21 and legally able to do everything I've been doing since 15.
• I'd live up to my potential if it didn't cut into my sitting-around time.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no...
• What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?
• I work forty hours a week to be this poor.
• So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Closed minds always seem to be connected to open mouths.

 

[moreluck]

Guys in the Grocery Store

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?" "Never mind, let's look for yours!"

 

[moreluck]

The Drum

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.


One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions.
The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile.

None of these attempts worked. Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?" No more problem.

 

[moreluck]

I've sure gotten old. I've had two
bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license

 

[moreluck]

Signs you're watching too much TV.......

1. The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?"

2. In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline.

3. You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.

4. In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest infomercial.

5. If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"

6. You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!"

7. Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums by the decade.

8. You have a gold-plated "clicker."

9. Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel.

10. After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break

 

[moreluck]

Little Old Lady

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and eachtime someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

 

[moreluck]

On Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

On Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

 

[moreluck]

Revenge?

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try.

She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.

First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's. After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.

With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "What the **** was in that?"

She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge"

 

[moreluck]

[FONT=Verdana,]Two redneck college football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the State game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed, then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O." [/FONT]

 

[donk]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP , ! DRINK YOUR ING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ?"

and, they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?
<!-- / message -->

 

[moreluck]

Republicans and Democrats at Christmas Time.......


How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson

And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how
they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays.


Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to
the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to
panhandlers on the street.

Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning

When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled
wine.
Democrats ask for egg nog.

When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night tv.

Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

Democrats give their children gifts that make a political
statement.
Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of
their hair.

Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to
shoot each other with dolls.

Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work
decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to
enjoy the scenery.

Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".

Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they\
buy before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts....and
reposition them them to make sure they are seen.

Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the
festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent,
wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their
Christmas Cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from
doing it again.

Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls".
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer."
Republicans favorite Christmas song is " White Christmas."
Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas".

Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the
week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Democratic men like to watch football while their wives,
girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians".
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians get to win.

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they
stopped believing in Santa Claus...
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing
in Santa Claus...

 

[moreluck]

All I Needed To Know About Life I Learned From Santa.....

Encourage people to believe in you.
Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.
Don't pout.
It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.
Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.
Make your presents known.
Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
Bright red can make anyone look good.
Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.
If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.

Whenever you're at a loss for words, say:
"HO, HO, HO!"

 

[moreluck]

Son's Goal .........

Skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.

"Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"

 

[moreluck]

Criminal steals lumber

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

 

[moreluck]

[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]DIET EXCUSES.....[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]1. But the doughnut was calling my name. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]2. I felt left out because they were eating. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]3. But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]4. The kids over seas are starving, so naturally I have to clean my plate. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]5. I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]6. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]7. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]8. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]9. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]10. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]11. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]12. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]13. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]14. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 15. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles. [/FONT][/SIZE]

 

[moreluck]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][SIZE=-1]A German, Italian and Redneck on death row[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica][SIZE=-1]There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck from Arkansas on death row. [/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]1 was to be shot[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]2 was to be hung[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]3 was to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]So the German said,"Shoot me right in the head."(Boom, he was dead instantly). [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.) [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. [/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica]So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."[/FONT][/SIZE]

 

[moreluck]

Old Man......

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

 

[moreluck]

I don't want to be a doctor because.........


If I were a pathologist I'd be in a dead end job

If I were a biologist I'd be in jeans all the time.

Anesthesiology would put me to sleep

Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.

I can't stand podiatry.

I can't see myself as an ophthalmologist.

I'm too old to be a gerontologist.

I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.

But a friend told me that ontology would grow on me.

I'm told pediatrics is child's play!

I haven't got the heart to be a cardiologist.

And they'd see right thru me if I went into radiology.

And I really couldn't face it if I were a dermatologist.

I haven't got the spine to be a chiropractor.

I'm not cut out to be a surgeon.

If I weren't such a baby, I'd become a gynecologist.

It's been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.

I'd rather be a plumber than a urologist.

If I were a proctologist I'd have to look at *******s all day.

 

[moreluck]

True Sheriff Stories .....

These are true, I was a Sheriff and these are some of the excuses I heard. I actually wrote very few, about 1-2 a week, but when they came up with really lame excuses, I just had to.

People who got the ticket;

Guy on a motorcycle doing 110mph at 1 in the morning "I was cold so I wanted to get home fast"

Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone "I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking"

Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone "No speaka english" After receiving the ticket "you son of a *&^%$, you wrote me a ticket!"

People who did not get a ticket;

I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he had a radar detector on his dash (Yes, that's how close I was and he didn't look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and activated my radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes so hard he skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I couldn't write him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little embarrassed

Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone "I just won the lottery" He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the lottery office was closed on Sundays!

But this guy was my favorite; I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125mph in a 65 zone. I told him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the purchase papers for the car and said "I've waited my whole life to own this car. I bought it yesterday and have been driving it ever since. It was 4 in the morning, no one else was around, and I just wanted to really open it up once, to see what it would do"

I handed him back his license and said "That makes perfect sense to me".

 

[moreluck]

"How To install a Poor Man's Security System"...........

1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ...a really big pair.

2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

3. Put a dog dish beside it... a really BIG dog dish.

4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, BIG Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition...back in a hour. Don't disturb the Pitbulls; they are already upset."