Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

CHRISTMAS LAWS.......

If it doesn't run off of electricity,batteries are never included.

If it does run off of electricity, a plug is never included.

Everything is designed to break by Dec 26.

If it fits, the color is never right.

Most everyone else's Christmas tree looks better than yours.

Your are going to gain weight during the Holidays so you might as well enjoy the good food and snacks!

 

[moreluck]

IF THEY WROTE CHILDREN'S BOOKS ABOUT the INTERNET...

"One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Screen of Death"

"The Blog of Anne Frank"

"How the Grinch Stole Your Credit Card Information"

"Green Eggs and Spam"

"The Little Search Engine That Could"

"Curious George and Parental Controls"

"Horton Hears A Hacker"

"Charlotte's Web"

"Frog and Toad Are Dot Com Startups"

"Where the Wild Viruses Are"

"Mary Pop Uppins"

 

[moreluck]

10 SIGNS YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON​

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl" but it's only July!

 

[moreluck]

Scottish Lad.....

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while, when the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."

So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now?"

To which the lad grumbled, "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

 

[moreluck]

What to Say When You Get a Gift You Really Don't Like

"Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"​

"Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"​

"No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"​

"You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"​

"You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"​

"Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"​

"And it's such an interesting color too!"​

"You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"​

"You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"​

 

[moreluck]

To Santa From Mom .....

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that plays only big- people music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can be heard only by the dog.

And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws' house seem just like mine.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs in his pajamas to eat contraband ice cream at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, Mom

P.S. One more thing: You can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young...

 

[moreluck]

Where DOES That Time Go?..............

Seven years in a bathroom.

Six years eating.

Five years waiting in line.

Four years cleaning house.

Three years preparing meals.

Two years trying to return telephone calls to people who aren't there to receive them.

One year searching for misplaced things.

Eight months opening junk mail

 

[moreluck]

Christmas Play


I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was
giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager. One 5-year-old couldn't
decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager."

He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them,
"Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

 

[moreluck]

Fractured Christmas Carols......


No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along
with these new takes on old favorites:



Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer.

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

 

[moreluck]

New Rules for 2006....

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, the chili costs less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand.

New Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule #4: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #5: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the . If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge .

New Rule #7: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. Come on, it's right above the crack of your and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You were just high when you picked it out.

New Rule #8: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #9: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule #10: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #11: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

 

[moreluck]

Crazy Traffic ....

I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic.

I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told,

"In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade."

 

[moreluck]

Parking Lot Rules For Last Minute Christmas Shoppers.....

1. When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

2. Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

3. In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

4. As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull through and take it from him.

5. Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

6. When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

7. When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

8. When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/ relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

9. When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

 

[moreluck]

Signs of Christmas Everywhere........

Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."

 

[moreluck]

Tonsils​

A man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days."​

The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed, "Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?"​

"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?"​

 

[moreluck]

Only a Mother...

Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering "Nobody's Home."

Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k."

Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling Can have the empty roll...to make a Mother's Day present.

Knows the location of every drive-through window in town.

Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the dashboard.

Will try to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie.

Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a toddler... visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips with a big cream horn.

Can cherish the 1,000th bleating of "Twinkle, Twinkle" from a budding violinist.

Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers on her posterior.

Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge.

Knows all the verses to "This Old Man."

Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer lint filter.

Can find her last good pair of panty hose hitching a wagon to a tricycle.

Knows the sure-fire way to get three kids to eat carrots... buy two carrots.

Is limber enough to wrestle a fitted sheet onto the top bunk bed.

Invests fifty dollars in stale macaroons to help send the French Club to Disneyland.

Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night for a last- minute science project.

Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her office desk phone.

Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant.

Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies.

Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.

 

[moreluck]

A year after we bought a Border collie, I trained him to take a stick from the living room to the bedroom. On Christmas Day I replaced the stick with a flower and sent him off. My wife woke up and exclaimed in delight: "Oh, my goodness! A collie-flower."

 

[moreluck]

A parent's night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

 

[moreluck]

Power Beverage Announcement...

A Pfizer Inc. spokesperson announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use 'as is' or as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims:- "It will now be possible for men to pour themselves a stiff one."

Obviously, we can no longer call this a 'soft drink'. This additive gives new meaning to the names of highballs, cocktails and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount and Do."

 

[moreluck]

Signs of Menopause.......

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie friend---ing Nelson."

5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

 

[moreluck]

Major Groaner.....

A man once saw a very beautiful woman and became infatuated with her. Unfortunately, she didnt notice him. Frustrated, he went to see a group of witches to get a love potion from them. "We don't give love potions anymore," said the witches, "we've decided it's too unethical. But we will help you."

They then gave him a bag of small white tablets. "Bury one of these in front of her home every night for a month," they said, then sent him away.

A month later the man returned to the witches. "Everything's great!" he exclaimed. "We met, she fell in love with me and now we are to be married. I'm amazed!"

"It's really no surprise," said the witches. "Remember: Nothin says lovin like something from the Coven, and pills buried says it best!"