Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

If these remind you of yourself, it's a good bet you are an engineer. - At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

- In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

- The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

- You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

- You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

- You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.

- You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

- You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

- You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

- You know what http:// actually stands for.

- You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

- You see a good design and still have to change it.

- You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

- You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

- You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.

- You know what the geosynchronous satellite's function is.

- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

- You've already calculated how much you make per second.

- You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

 

[moreluck]

The following is an actual help wanted ad on page 20 of the Money Saver in Eugene, Oregon, DECEMBER 11, 2005.

HELP WANTED
Entry level position.
Starts $8 per hour.
Primarily we clean roofs and gutters, powerwash and trim trees.
Looking for someone who is not allergic to sweat.
Must be able to work without a coffee cup in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
Must understand that it's OK for the boss to make a profit.
Must understand company vehicles are not to be used for crash tests and are not receptacles for your personal trash.
Must own and know how to operate an alarm clock.
Must not request more days off than the boss.
Must not ask the boss for a raise if you've turned down overtime.
Must understand that opening day of fishing and hunting season are not considered automatic days off.
If you think it's OK to be late to work, I'm sure you won't mind if your paycheck is late also.
Having your wife or your girlfriend call for you about this job, does not demonstrate that you have good delegating skills.
If you've had more jobs than you can remember in the past year, don't call to brag about how many trades you know.
If you take company tools and supplies home but never return them, do not apply.
If you like to work a couple of months and collect unemployment the rest of the year, do not apply.
If you only believe in taking a shower, dressing decent and brushing your teeth on the day you apply for this job, do not apply.
If most of your work experience is making license plates we are not authorized to make or sell them.
If you always seem so much smarter than the people you work for, start your own damned business.

 

[moreluck]

An historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain, and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.

 

[moreluck]

The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival for men:

STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know you care. The least expensive way is to look at her -- preferably somewhere on her face -- and say, "I love you, [her name here]." If you forget her name, don't bother with the rest of the steps. You're dead.

STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and ... " Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free quart of motor oil."

STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes no sense, women regard chocolate the same way men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped for starters.

STEP FOUR: Jewellery. A bit pricier, especially if you did not bother with steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or tiara. Keep in mind most women, even in Utah, do not consider aluminium, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious metal.

STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Not only does it have to be the right size and caliber, it must also match any of the 8 billion feelings she currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the clerk you're looking for something that can't be used to strangle you in your sleep.

STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more than .002 kids. Studies prove that not even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of your family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at least three international boundaries.

STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do something. Anything is better than nothing. If you don't believe me, I can show you last year's knot on the back of my head.

 

[moreluck]

Thinking outside the box

The task is not to see what no one else has seen before, but to think thoughts, no one has thought before, about things everyone sees.

 

[moreluck]

THREE WISHEs

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American
engineer -- find themselves together one day. They come across a
lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says
the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son
will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof!
With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he sa! id, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can
come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the
Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around all three countries.

The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and
completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out --
it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill! it with water."

 

[moreluck]

I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam.

They were all trick questions.

 

[moreluck]

Custer"s Last Thoughts.....

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those Indians.'"

 

[moreluck]

Cowboy Pun......

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. ​

"Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks. ​

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy. ​

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brownpaper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." ​

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy. ​

"Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff. ​

 

[moreluck]

Lawyers........

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

 

[moreluck]

Cowboy Logic

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. ​

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. ​

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't friend*ckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em." ​

 

[moreluck]

Things That Become Evident When a Baby Arrives.......

Finally, you have someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least for a year or so.

You develop a liking for mini vans, sensible shoes, and a deep- seated contempt for Michael Jackson.

You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your round little belly anymore now that you are just FAT.

Goodbye, Happy Hour---Hello, Happy Meal!!

Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox," but the cat is seriouslytorqued about it.

For efficiency, your paycheck is now direct-deposited to Disney.

You come to the realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.

 

[moreluck]

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One?but she gives it a surprise twist at the end.

 

[moreluck]

Tonto & The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" ​

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said "I do. Why?" ​

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside." ​

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." ​

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" ​

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" ​

The cowboy says to him, "Nothin' much, I just wanted you to know....you left your Injun running." ​

 

[moreluck]

Actual headlines.......

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty

Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found

After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth

Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

Deer Kill 17,328

New Vaccine may Contain Rabies

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free - Just send $6.00.

 

[DAHONE]

This was awesome. Love it.

 

[moreluck]

Breakfast At DENNY'S.....

An old guy goes to Denny's for a meal and he
gets runny scrambled eggs, burnt toast and
burnt hashbrowns.

As he was leaving the restaurant the cashier
asked him how his meal was. He says my compliments
to the photographer.

 

[moreluck]

Hunting....

Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, "Don, you've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex." Don decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks Don soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake Don. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex." Again, Don thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there.
The Polar Bear said, "Admit it Don, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[moreluck]

A Man who knows his Math......

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in
front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to have to drive on the shoulder to
avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out his window and gave the woman the finger...."Man, that guy is stupid," I
thought to myself.

I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does
anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; That's 96 miles each day Of
these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is
on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works
out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Eventhough the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass
at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000
cars that I pass everyday.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In
any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS That's 642.

According to Cosmop! olitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or
unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as
their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons
and this number is increasing.

That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female that has a
lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered
suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? .... I don't think so.

 

[moreluck]

[SIZE=+1]Tax Strategy:[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]Dear Internal Revenue Service:[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated[/SIZE][SIZE=+1]
12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). I've enclosed one screw for your convenience.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer[/SIZE]