Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Cats and Teenagers​

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

 

[moreluck]

Andy Rooney on Fabric Softener....

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.Then
I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their
breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives
mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get
that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

 

[moreluck]

Genealogy Quips​

• My family coat of arms ties at the back ... is that normal?
  
• My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.
  
• My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
  
• Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
  
• My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
  
• How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!
  
• I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap ...
  
• I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged.
  
• I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me?
  
• If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help ...
  
• Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!
  
• It's 2000 ... Do you know where your G-G-Grandparents are?
  
• A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
  
• A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots.
  
• A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.
  
• After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
  
• Am I the only person up my tree ... sure seems like it.
  
• Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.
  
• Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
  
• FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
  
• Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease but I love it.
  
• Genealogists are time unravelers.
  
• Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide ... I seek!
  
• Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
  
• "Crazy" is a relative term in my family.
  
• A pack rat is hard to live with but makes a fine ancestor.
  
• I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.
  
• I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!
  
• I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days.
  
• I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNEflower.
  
• Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress.
  
• Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality.
  
• Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
  
• It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a thief.
  
• Many a family tree needs pruning.
  
• Shh! Be very, very quiet ... I'm hunting forebears.
  
• Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
  
• That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
  
• I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes.
  
• Genealogists live in the past lane.
  
• Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
  
• Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
  
• Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!
  
• Always willing to share my ignorance ...
  
• Documentation ...The hardest part of genealogy.
  
• Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
  
• Genealogy ... will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
  
• That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards
  
• I researched my family tree ... and apparently I don't exist!

 

[moreluck]

"Tongue in Cheek" - Recipes and Cooking Terms
Recipe
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Tongue
A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Porridge
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the food is removed, but when it is put in the oven.
Oven
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

 

[moreluck]

"Mismatched Couple Descriptions"

1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.

2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.

3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.

4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air.

5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.

6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems.

 

[moreluck]

Hollywood Dictionary​

• Verbs
  • To schmooze ... befriend scum
  • To pitch ... grovel shamelessly
  • To brainstorm ... feign preparedness
  • To research ... procrastinate indefinitely
  • To network ... spread misinformation
  • To collaborate ... argue incessantly
  • To freelance ... collect unemployment
• Nouns
  • Agent ... frustrated lawyer
  • Lawyer ... frustrated producer
  • Producer ... frustrated writer
  • Writer ... frustrated director
  • Director ... frustrated actor
  • Actor ... frustrated human
• Compound Words
  • High concept ... low brow
  • Production values1 ... gore
  • Production values2 ... explosions
  • Entry level ... pays nothing
  • Network approved ... has made them money before
  • Highly qualified ... blew the producer
• Financial Terms
  • Net ... something that apparently doesn't exist
  • Gross ... Michael Eisner's salary
  • Back End ... you, if you think you'll ever see any
  • Residuals ... braces for the kids
  • Deferral ... don't hold your breath
  • Points ... see "-Net" or "-Back End"
• Common Phrases
  • You can trust me ... You must be new
  • It needs some polishing ... Change everything
  • It shows promise ... It sucks
  • It needs some fine tuning ... Change everything
  • She got great press ... She'll never live down the embarrassment
  • I'd like some input ... I want total control
  • It needs some honing ... Change everything
  • Call me back next week ... Stay out of my life
  • It needs some tightening ... Change everything
  • Try and punch it up ... I have no idea what I want
  • It needs some streamlining ... Change everything
  • It's all up on the screen ... You'll never find the money I embezzled
  • You'll never work in this town again ... I have no power whatsoever

 

[moreluck]

Dr. Dave ...........

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't
worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his
patients and you won't be the last; and you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality,
whispering ....







"Dave, you're a veterinarian..."

 

[moreluck]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies

"I just can't believe you got shagged twice"!

 

[moreluck]

A Mississippi Blonde



A very attractive blonde woman from Mississippi arrived in Las Vegas and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all Mississippians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

<!-- end of AOLMsgPart_2_60a82859-9c76-4c41-bbfc-47025f7fcd08 -->

 

[moreluck]

I Know What You Do......

While I was putting my reluctant four-year-old to bed one evening, he looked up at me and said accusingly, "I know what you and Dad do at night when I'm in bed." Rather taken aback by this statement, I asked what he meant. "You eat all the good stuff," he replied.

 

[moreluck]

How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale​

• Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
• Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
  
• When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
  
• Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.
  
• Always go to the bathroom first.
  
• Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
  
• Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
  
• Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
  
• Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
  
• Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

 

[moreluck]

Rejected Titles for "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN"............

PRANCES WITH WOLVES

JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON

BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID

THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE

HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG

THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER

DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID

LONESOME DOUG

DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN

MCCABE AND MR. MILLER

HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES

QUICKLY DOWN UNDER

BAREBACK MOUNTING

BONE-NANZA

DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS

HOME ON THE RANGER

OKLAHOMO

ROOSTER COCKBURN

LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE

BALONEY PONY RODEO

TUBESTEAK COWBOYS

SILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!!

 

[moreluck]

Ten Rules of Housekeeping​

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

 

[moreluck]

More Great T-Shirt Slogans​

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" - seen on Cape Cod

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - seen on an 8 year old

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse - He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." - Made up to look like an invitation on a baby-size shirt

"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"



"I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"

"Filthy, Stinking, Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

"Where there's a will I want to be in it"



"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

"IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."

"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"

"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."

"Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

"NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine."

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

 

[moreluck]

10 Signs You Might Be Trailor Trash

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

 

[moreluck]

BOOKS WE'RE NOT LIKELY TO SEE

"The Yiddish Guide to Loving Your Neighbor" -- Pat Buchanan
"Get Out of Your Car and Walk to Work!" -- Stephen King
"Creating A Sound Future: Building a Lasting, Profitable Career in the Music Industry" -- Andrew Ridgeley


"Winners Never Quite" -- Dan Quayle
"Spiritual Enlightenment Through Poverty and Humility" -- L. Ron Hubbard
"For Better or Worse: A Guide to Keeping Your Wedding Vows" -- Newt Gingrich


"The Feminist Mystique" -- Monica Lewinsky
"The Buyers' Guide to Experimental Aircraft" -- John Denver
"How to Find Just about Anybody Anywhere" -- O.J. Simpson


"What Up? Communicating With the Youth of Today" -- Strom Thurmond
"Mind Your Own Business! A Guide for Small Business Owners" --Linda Tripp
"Black Like Me" -- Michael Jackson

 

[moreluck]

The Best Beer

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

 

[moreluck]

JUST SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT. . . . . .

On the bags of miniature candy bars it says, 'Fun Size.' Does this mean that the regular size bars are no fun?

Why do mothers always say that their child cannot play until their room is clean? What will the room look like after the child plays?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to forgive each other as quickly and effortlessly as children forgive each other?

Isn't it better by far that you forget and smile rather than remember and be sad?

Why would there be a key to happiness? Isn't the door always open?

Where do socks go when they get lost in the dryer?

 

[moreluck]

Figure Skating​

It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his willies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've got to remember, it's darn slippery out there.

 

[moreluck]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading
it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish
and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.[/FONT]

[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid
and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- [/FONT]
[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks
or my exhaust backfires! [/FONT]