Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Office Rules.......

1) If it rings, put it on hold.

2) If it clanks, call the repairman.

3) If it whistles, ignore it.

4) If it's a friend, take a break.

5) If it's the boss, look busy.

6) If it talks, take notes.

7) If it's handwritten, type it.

8) If it's typed, copy it.

9) If it's copied, file it.

10) If it's Friday, forget it!

 

[moreluck]

Rules Kids Won't Learn at School​

Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don't. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest-back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.

• Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often, you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.
• Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)
• Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $60,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.
• Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.
• Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Eminem all weekend.
• Rule #6. It's not your parents fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.
• Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
• Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new lease on life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.
• Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom, nor a soap opera. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.
• Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them We all could.
• Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

 

[moreluck]

Rules in Washington D.C.. . . . . . . .


~ If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

~ Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

~ There is always one more S.O.B. than you counted on.

~ An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

~ The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

~ Chicken little only has to be right once.

~ "NO" is only an interim response.

~ You can't kill a bad idea.

~ If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried

 

[moreluck]

What Those Credit Card Applications Really Mean​

So you have received a credit card application? You know what it says, but do know what it really means?

• What it says: "You have demonstrated financial responsibility..."
  What it means: You're breathing!
• What it says: "Our membership is difficult to obtain..."
  What it means: Death row prisoners are not eligible... in most states!
• What it says: "We have shortened the application process..."
  What it means: "We need lots of new members fast or we'll go out of business!"
• What it says: "You have no predetermined credit limit..."
  What it means: "We're not worried, we employ the Break Your Legs collection agency."
• What it says: "Exceptional Customer Service..."
  What it means: Except when you need it!
• What it says: "Trained customer representatives await your call..."
  What it means: "This is the part you talk into, and this is where you listen. Any questions?"
• What it says: "To apply for membership, fill out this short form..."
  What it means: You'll get the long form later.
• What it says: "You may direct us not to share this information with anyone else..."
  What it means: "Catch us, if you can!"
• What it says: "We look forward to receiving your completed application..."
  What it means: "We baited the hook, let's see if anyone bites!"
• What it says: "You've been pre-approved..."
  What it means: "You've been pre-approved to be Rejected!" or "We've already prepared your letter of denial"

 

[moreluck]

Forgive Me, Father

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." [/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Redneck Olympics

10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.

8. The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.

7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.

6. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Pissin Competition."

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.

3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.

2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.

1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.

 

[moreluck]

Rules for Frequent Flyers​

• No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
• If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
• If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
• Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
• If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
• Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
• The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
• The less carryon luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carryon luggage passengers will bring aboard.

 

[moreluck]

Uh oh ......

A couple's having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.

The waitress comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door."

 

[moreluck]

Hi, My Name is...

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Gail, I?m a meteorologist[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Gene, I'm a DNA researcher.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Gil,I?m a fisherman.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Grant, I would be a loan officer. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Herald, I?m a messenger. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Herb,I?m a cook. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Holly, I?m a holiday decorator. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Hugh, I?m a painter. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Iris, I?m an ophthalmologist[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Jack, I?m a banker. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]John, I?m a plumber [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Leo, A lion trainer. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Les, I?m a dietician. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Lute, I?m a musician.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Manuel, I write instruction books. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Marshall, I?m a peace officer. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Mike, I?m an announcer [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Otto, I?m a car mechanic.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Phillip, I?m a service station attendant. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Rich, A successful investment banker. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Rob, I?m a thief.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Rose, I?m a gardener. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Ruby and Pearl, We?re jewelers. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Shelly, I?m an expert on mollusks[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Sherry, I?m a wine-master. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Stu, I also cook.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Sue, I?m also a lawyer.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Teddy, I?m in lingerie. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Tom, I bred cats. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Toni, I?m a hair dresser.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Wade, and I?m in swimming pool maintenance. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Victor, and I?m a winner in everything I do.[/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Will, I?m a lawyer. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Woody, A Forester. [/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

13 Things PMS Stands For.......

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12 Pack My Stuff......

..And my favorite one...

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a
good laugh!
Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but chocolate
sings.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Hunting Permit In Demand

Officials in Texas are swamped with requests for hunting permits now that the public knows It only cost V.P. Cheney $7.00 to shoot a lawyer there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you know that Cheny called the sheriff's office after the accident and told the officer that he had shot a lawyer. The officer told him it was Sat. and that all offices were closed. He would have to wait until Monday to get his "bounty"!

 

[moreluck]

Redneck Haikus

BEAUTY

Naked in repose

Silvery silhouette girls

Adorn my mudflaps

REMORSE

A painful sadness

Can't fit big screen TV through

Double-wide's front door

OPTIONS

Unemployment's out.

Hey, maybe I can get on

Disability

BLAZE

Distant siren screams

Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with

Gasoline again

A NEW MOON

Flashlights pierce darkness

No nightcrawlers to be found

Guess we'll gig some frogs

EXUBERANCE

Joyous, playful, bright

Trailer park girl rolls in puddle

Of old motor oil

ALONE

Seeking solitude

Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for

Restraining order

DESIRE

Damn, in that tube-top

You make me almost forget you are

My cousin

OFFERINGS

Tonight we hunger

Grandma sent grocery money

To Jimmy Swaggert

DRAMA

Set the VCR

Dukes of Hazzard

Marathon At 9 O'Clock

DEPRIVED In WalMart toy aisle

Wailing boy wants 'rassling doll

Mama whups his ass

NO SIGNAL

White noise, buzzing static

Call Earl;

Satellite dish needs new descrambler

IMPOUNDED

Sixty-five dollars

And cyclone fence keeps me from

My El Camino

GATHERING

In early morning mist

Mama searches Circle K for

Moon Pies and Red Man

PRIDE

Grinning, he displays

The nine hundred beer cans

Filling pickup bed

 

[moreluck]

CUSTOMS INSPECTION​

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area.
A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

 

[moreluck]

Bridesmaids

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps, five bad bridesmaids did not. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end on a high note. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Last Sunday the priest ended with... [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?" [/FONT]

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]I wasn't the only one who got it wrong! [/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Golf - A mid-life sport........

Golf is the midlife sport of choice for very different reasons.........

First of all, it's easier to reach your goals. In midlife, after all, it's a snap to have a handicap below your age and a score below your weight. And getting easier all the time.

Golf is like midlife because only now do you realize that the course you have set upon is governed by rules so vast, so arcane, and so arbitrary that the average person -- you -- will never figure it all out.

Golf is like midlife because it is absolutely unfair. As a young person, you carry the illusion that, if you do your homework, study, and work overtime you'll get it all right. By middle age, you know that every time you've got it all together -- work, family, putt, pitch -- some piece is about to unravel. I promise you.

Golf, like midlife, is played against only one opponent: yourself. By the time you reach 50, ou'd better figure out that doing well doesn't depend on others doing badly. You don't have to wish them ill. They're not the reason you are shanking the ball.

Golf is like middle age, because -- ah, you knew this was coming -- in these years you really do have to play it as it lays. You don't get to start everything all over again. The most you get is a mulligan. If it's an unplayable lie, everybody sympathizes, but you still have to take a penalty. On the other hand, golf, like midlife, also offers another chance. No matter how badly you hit one ball, you can still recover on the next. Of course, no matter how well you hit one ball, you can always screw up on the next.

Finally, golf is like midlife because at some time on a beautiful October day, when you are searching for a ball, or for that matter your swing, you look around and realize for the first or 50th time that in this game, you're the one keeping your own score

 

[moreluck]

Long-Term Effects of Listening
to Country Western Music​

• Gun rack mysteriously appears in the back of your car.
  
• You name your kids Garth, Reba, Conway and Merle.
  
• You form a deeply-rooted mistrust of relationships, fashion trends, and foreign automobiles.
  
• Big hats, big buckles, & big bills to the Home Shopping Network.
  
• You start to notice just how doggone attractive yer sister is.
  
• Thinking more and more the trash can lid would make one helluva belt buckle.
  
• Diet of chicken-fried steak and Budweiser gives skin an unearthly glow.
  
• At each of life's major crossroads, you ask yourself, "What would Willie Nelson do?"
  
• You become unable to discriminate between one too many and Whoooodoggie!
  
• You take to speaking in cornball analogies like achin' takes to a cheatin' heart.
  
• You find yourself turning tricks to support $100-a-day hair spray habit.
  
• You can "Lather, Rinse and Repeat" until the cows come home, but your hair still looks like it has a quart of 30-weight in it.
  
• Yet *another* worn-out 8-track player.
  
• Your Bleedin' Ear.
  
• You begin to worship Jeff Foxworthy the way the French worship Jerry Lewis.
  
• Stong urge to visit a barber and ask for "The Lovett."

 

[moreluck]

LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER


She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher

prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"


The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

 

[moreluck]

Concerned Pet Owners​

The Iams Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country.
Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls:

• "My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse?"
  
• "I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?"
  
• "Does your dog food help with emancipation?"
  
• "What should I feed a borderline collie?"
  
• "What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?"
  
• "Is it normal for a dog to shed?"
  
• "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?"
  
• "My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"
  
• "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog food?"
  
• "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?"
  
• "Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?"
  
• "Do you know how to toilet train a cat?"
  
• "I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba Cat Food makes the poop smell better?"
  
• "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?"
  
• "Where can I get a six-toed cat?"
  
• "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?"

The Iams Company Manager of Customer Service says, "Although these questions make us smile, they're legitimate calls from concerned pet owners."

 

[moreluck]

Aspiring Psychiatrists ....

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the UH student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from the University of Texas.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

 

[moreluck]

Bourbon Street bartenders complained to the media Wednesday that Mardi Gras business was terrible this year. It's not that there weren't thousands of people there. Mormons don't drink much, even when they are celebrating their town takeovers.