Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

A Healthy Dose of Laughter​

I read that a child laughs 400 times a day on the average, while an adult laughs only 15 times each day. Which is puzzling since laughter feels so good and is so good for us!
You may know the benefits of laughter on the mind and spirit, but are you aware of how much a good laugh can help you physically? Norman Cousins used to say that laughter is so beneficial physically that it is like "inner jogging."
Mayo Clinic (Mayo Clinic Health Letter, March 1993) reports that laughter aids breathing by disrupting your normal respiration pattern and increasing your breathing rate. It can even help clear mucus from your lungs.
Laughter is good for your heart. It increases circulation and improves the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to tissues throughout your body.
A good laugh helps your immune system fight off colds, flu and sinus problems by increasing the concentration of immunoglobulin A in your saliva. And it may help control pain by raising the levels of certain brain chemicals (endorphins).
It is also a natural stress reliever. Have you ever laughed so hard that you doubled over, fell off your chair, spit out your food or wet your pants? You cannot maintain muscle tension when you are laughing!
The good news is that you are allowed more than 15 laughs a day! Go ahead and double the dose and make it 30 times today. (You may begin to notice your relationships improving!) Then double it again! You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you. If Joke du Jour made you laugh, which is our goal, share your laughter with your friends and family.
Laughter: it's good medicine, it's completely organic, it can be shared, it is recyclable and it's absolutely free!

 

[moreluck]

A Farmer's Will​

TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.
TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.
TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.
TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.
TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.
TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.
TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

 

[moreluck]

The Cynic's Guide to Life​

• Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
• If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
• If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
• When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
• Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".
• Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
• Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
• When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
• This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
• It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
• Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
• This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
• Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

 

[moreluck]

Vending Machine......

At our office, the vending machine often takes the money but refuses to dispense the goods. When this happens, the victim attaches a note to the machine relating the incident and is reimbursed when the vendor refills it. One note I read was a little different, though: "Vendor, Please check the labels on your products. The Pepsi is not Diet, the rice cakes are Twinkies, the pretzels are Cheez-Its...and I'm getting fat!"

 

[moreluck]

Medical Tests

My sister had had some tests, and her doctor said he would contact her when he received the diagnosis. A few days later he phoned with the results, and she thanked him.

The next day the doctor called again and gave her the same results. She thanked him again and mentioned that he'd phoned the day before. He apologized, saying he was busy and had forgotten. "Don't worry, doctor," my sister said. "It's always nice to get a second opinion."

 

[moreluck]

You're No Longer "Cool" When...

You listen to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf-board.

You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group, not a corporation.

You turn down free tickets to a concert because you have to work the next day.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your kid's new running shoes.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.

All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

 

[moreluck]

priest.....

Then there was the young man who left the priesthood after just two months. "Can you imagine" he told a friend, " the torture of giving up your sex life only to have people come in and tell you the highlights of theirs?"

 

[moreluck]

A TEENAGER IS...​

- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.
- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.
- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

 

[moreluck]

Is that what heaven is really like? There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

 

[moreluck]

Recipe For a Happy Marriage:

Combine two caring hearts. Melt into one.

Add a lot of love. Mix well with respect and trust.

Add gentleness, laughter, faith, hope and joy. Pour in
much understanding. (Don't forget patience) Sprinkle
with kisses and a dash of hugs. Bake for a lifetime.

YIELD: One Happy Couple

 

[moreluck]

Advertising.....

My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance.

Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.

"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.

"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"

"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."

 

[moreluck]

Things Every Kindergartner Knows About Food

9. If it tastes really yucky, the teacher knows a song about how great it is!

8. In a pinch, glue is an acceptable condiment.

7. Absolutely everything tastes better with chocolate syrup or ketchup on it.

6. Most blue food you find in the fridge will make the puppy sick.

5. Mom's M&M cookies are worth two sandwiches and a dead frog.

4. Dr. Pepper supplies the best on-demand burps.

3. Most foods can be used as finger paints when necessary.

2. Your dog, your cat and your one-year-old brother all look the same eating peanut butter.

1. Happy Meal french fries last longer than the Happy Meal toys. But the toys taste better.

 

[moreluck]

Indian Mating Season.......

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO,WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

[moreluck]

Dogs Write Letters Too​

Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in?

Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?

Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?

Dear God, I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.

Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors

 

[moreluck]

Q. & A.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch

 

[moreluck]

| B u d w e i s e r | ||'""|""\___
| _________________ l || __||)
(@(@)""""""""**(@) (@)**(@)
16 Reasons Why Alcohol Should be Served at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
Take another beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!!
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| B u d w e i s e r | ||'""|""\___
| __________________l || __||)
(@(@)""""""***(@)(@) (@)**(@)

 

[moreluck]

Irish Philosophy ....

Why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' said the do-gooder.

'It's too late,' replied Murphy.

'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous one.

'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.

 

[moreluck]

As one antique dealer admitted to another, theirs was a strange way of making a living. "In what other business," she asked, "do grandparents buy something, parents sell it, and children buy it again?"

 

[moreluck]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

[moreluck]

California Driving Test Answers........


The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ****-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a all day long.