Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Important Warnings​

• On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror: "Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."
• On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens: "Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."
  
• On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel: "Warning - Remove lock before driving."
  
• In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife: "Keep out of children."
  
• On a packet of juggling balls: "This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."
  
• On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets: "Warning: may cause drowsiness."
  
• On a packet of peanuts served on an internal flight in China (written in both English and Chinese): "Open packet and eat contents."
  
• On 500g packets of Sainsbury's peanuts: "Contains nuts."
  
• Seen on a camera: "This camera only works when there is film inside."
  
• On a bottle of flavored milk drink: "After opening, keep upright."
  
• On a Rowenta iron: "Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!"
  
• On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: "Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."
  
• On a can of insect spray: "Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray is harmful to bees."
  
• A different brand of insect spray: "Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals."
  
• On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines: "Protect from seawater."
  
• On a Halloween Batman costume: "This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

 

[moreluck]

GOLF . . . . .

A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the guy who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency, which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them.

"Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead But I enjoy playing golf. I consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent over during the round. Long and straight tee shots, coupled with stunning iron and short-game play, left them breathless with more than just her superior looks.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is 3 under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys.

"I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Haig & Haig Scotch in him, fix him dinner, and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt.

"Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb.

"Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly, 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her.

"That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

 

[moreluck]

OK, here's the plan.....

This one comes with tongue firmly planted in cheek…




Back off and let those men who want to marry men, to marry men.

Allow those women who want to marry women, to marry women.
Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, to abort their babies.
In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

I love it when a plan comes together!

 

[moreluck]

Dreaded Words from Tech Support...

1. Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?

2. ...that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it.

3. Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.

4. Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC.

5 We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.

6. I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

7. In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.

8. Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.

 

[moreluck]

Kids in the Restaurant

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time.

My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

 

[moreluck]

Love Poem Competition

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, cause I was pissed

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space

I saw your face as you walked by
but then I saw a better guy

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

 

[moreluck]

What is Irish and sits outside in the summer ?

Pati O'Furniture

 

[quebec_driver]

Subject: Moods


> >The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
> >man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his
> >own hands!
> >This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license
> >in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!
> >
> > DANGEROUS:What's for dinner?
> > SAFER:Can I help you with dinner?
> > SAFEST:Where would you like to go for dinner?
> > ULTRASAFE:Here, have some chocolate.
> > DANGEROUS:Are you wearing that?
> > SAFER:Gee, you look good in brown.
> > SAFEST:WOW! Look at you!
> > ULTRASAFE:Here, have some chocolate.
> >
> > DANGEROUS:What are you so worked up about?
> > SAFER:What did I do wrong?
> > SAFEST:Here's fifty dollars.
> > ULTRASAFE:Here, have some chocolate.
> >
> > DANGEROUS:Should you be eating that?
> > SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
> > SAFEST:Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
> > ULTRASAFE:Here, have some chocolate.
> >
> > DANGEROUS:What did you do all day?
> > SAFER:I hope you didn't overdo it today.
> > SAFEST:I've always loved you in that robe!
> > ULTRASAFE:Here, have some more chocolate.
> >
> > 13 Things PMS Stands For:
> > 1. Pass My Shotgun
> > 2. Psychotic Mood Shift
> > 3. Perpetual Munching Spree
> > 4. Puffy Mid-Section
> > 5. People Make me Sick
> > 6. Provide Me with Sweets
> > 7. Pardon My Sobbing
> > 8. Pimples May Surface
> > 9. Pass My Sweatpants
> > 10. Pukey Mood Syndrome
> > 11. Plainly; Men Suck
> > 12. Pack My Stuff......
> >
> > ..And my favorite one...
> >
> > 13. Potential Murder Suspect
> >
> >Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who
> >might need a good laugh!
> >Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but
> >chocolate sings.
> >
> >Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my
> >mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to
> >monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a
> >bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll
> >buy me diamonds.
> >
> >Here have some chocolate.
> >
> >
>
>
>

 

[moreluck]

vestments......

A priest was vested in his surplice and cassock ready to proceed at the beginning of the service. His surplice was very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it.

A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress, but your purse is on fire!"

 

[moreluck]

Starting School .....

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school. A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school. "Cartwheels," Gregory answered

 

[moreluck]

Mess Hall ....

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.

 

[moreluck]

First Jewish Woman President....

The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother, "Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony!"

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you to a dressmaker."

"But I only eat kosher food."

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food."

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come, Mama."

"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy."

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the supreme court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."

 

[moreluck]

Men are Like...

1. Men are like ...... Laxatives ..... They irritate the **** out of you.
2. Men are like ....... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ..Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ....... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ..Parking Spots .... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

[moreluck]

Gwen was shocked when her twenty-two-year-old friend Peggy announced one day that she was going to marry a seventy-two-year-old man. "Peggy," she said, "You know these May-December marriages are never happy ones for May. December finds energy and beauty and youth in May, but what does May ever find in December?" Winking, Peggy replied, "Santa."

 

[moreluck]

Sign Locations....and what they say.....

On a Front Door - Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office - If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Taxidermist Window - We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window - Time wounds all heels.

Muffler Shop - No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Sign on Fence - Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Car Dealership - The best way to get back on your feet...miss a car payment.

In an office - We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Garbage Truck - We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store - Out for a quick byte

Diner Window - Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley - Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria - Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library - Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home - Drive carefully, we'll wait.

Electricians Truck - Let us remove your shorts.

Butcher's Window - Pleased to meat you.

Veterinarians Waiting Room - Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

 

[moreluck]

An incensed coach ran out on the field and yelled at the referee, "You stink." Whereupon the referee paced off an additional fifteen yards looked back at the coach and said, "Okay, how do I smell from here?"

 

[moreluck]

On a bookstore display shelf, my five-year-old daughter spotted a book on John friend. Kennedy, with a picture showing him in the Oval Office. "I know him," she said. Surprised she recognized him, I added: "Yes, he was very important. He was President of the United States."

"I know he was important," she agreed.

"How did you know that?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "I saw him shake hands with Forrest Gump."

 

[moreluck]

FUN FACTS.....

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb; hence we have "the rule of Thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

 

[moreluck]

golf ...

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occured and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole!

"Praise be to God!"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in.

"HOOVER!!!!"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".

"It's the biggest dam I know."

 

[moreluck]

Pope's Tour ....

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope-mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious John Kerry from the water.

Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you My blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing.. how's the bait holding up?"