Jokes

[moreluck]

The Outhouse.....

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.


One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.


That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes.


Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."


The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."

 

[moreluck]

Fight Competition.....

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.

 

[moreluck]

Wrong Answer.....

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window"?

 

[moreluck]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

 

[moreluck]

Acceptance Testing

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.


The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."


"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.


"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.



"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

 

[moreluck]

Definitions...

Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.


His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"


"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.


The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."


He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.


The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."


"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.


"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"

 

[moreluck]

Speeding Ticket....

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

 

[moreluck]

Field Trip


A young teacher in the UK wanted to introduce her class to the delights of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert at the Royal Albert Hall.


To make the occasion even more memorable she treated everyone to lemonade, cakes, chocolates and ice cream.



Just as they were getting back into the coach to go home, she said to little Sally, `Have you enjoyed yourself today?'



'Oh yes,' said Sally. `It was lovely except for the music, that is!'

 

[moreluck]

Need To Know...


A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.


“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”



“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.



“ …Which bus would I take home?”

 

[moreluck]

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on


Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

 

[moreluck]

The Telegram


An Akita went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”


The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”



“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

 

[moreluck]

The Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."


The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?"



The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now it’s my turn: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"


The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"



The idiot hands over $5.

 

[moreluck]

QUICK THINKING

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation.

He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"

 

[moreluck]

Two men were talking one day and one mentioned he was visiting Russia.
The friend tells him that it's politically rough over there and that they check letters leaving the country for dissenters. So, he instructs the man to use a code- write in black ink if everything is fine and red ink if things are bad.
The man goes to Russia. A couple weeks later the friend gets a letter in black ink. It says all sorts of positive things about Russia- how rich it is and how nice the people are to him. "My only complaint," he writes, "is that they don't have red pens."

 

[moreluck]

Sweet Potatoes



Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.


One day, she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, which was one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"

 

[moreluck]

Giving the Bride Away


All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.



The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.



As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

 

[moreluck]

 

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[moreluck]

Birthday Song.....

After much convincing from my husband, I finally agreed to call an old family friend to sing her happy birthday.
It was only after I finished singing, that the voice at the other end of the line informed me, that it was the wrong number.
“Oh I’m sorry” I said, embarrassed.
“It’s ok”, the voice said “you can use all of the practice you can get!”

 

[moreluck]

Flying for the First Time....

Pilot: "Have you ever flown in a small plane before?"
Passenger: "No, I have not."
Pilot: "Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping."
Pilot (after the plane landed): "Did the gum help?"
Passenger: "Yep, it worked fine. The only trouble is, I can’t get the gum out of my ears!"