Jokes

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The Dot
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion but the Indian embassy in Washington has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States or Canada.
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.

 

[moreluck]

Scaring the kids...

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' he says.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says,

`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!'

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'

 

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[moreluck]

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

 

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Adam and Eve......

Why did god create Adam before he created eve? Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

 

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Bad pick up line

 

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Different ways to say your not so bright...
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.

 

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1. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
2. Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.
3. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!
4. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.
5. What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
6. What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.
7. Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”
8. A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!”
9. I never make mistakes…I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
10. What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!
11. What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!
12. Knock knock. Who’s there? Smell mop. (finish this joke in your head)
13. Where does a sheep go for a haircut? To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!
14. What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

 

[moreluck]

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know until we can get it down off the chandelier."

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know until we can get it down off the chandelier."

I was in the delivery room for the birth of both of my children and neither time did I see a chandelier on the ceiling.

 

[moreluck]

I was in the delivery room for the birth of both of my children and neither time did I see a chandelier on the ceiling.

Loosen up Poindexter! This thread is titled Jokes, not true life experiences!

 

[moreluck]

FYI....today's birthing suites DO have chandliers.....grandpa!!

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

FYI....today's birthing suites DO have chandliers.....grandpa!!

TeamCare would never pay for a birthing suite.

 

[moreluck]

TeamCare would never pay for a birthing suite.

So, you think the Kardashians worry about that ??? TTKU

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

Your "jokes" make little sense and are rarely funny.