Jokes

[moreluck]

TWO Coffees in Heaven!
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohamed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than St. Peter,
Obama climbs the ladder in great strides,
climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room
where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses;
Mohamed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy
he climbs the ladder yet again.

He discovers a larger room where he meets an
angelic looking man with a beard.
Full of hope,he asks again,
'Are you Mohamed?'

'No, I am Jesus,the Christ;
you will find Mohamed higher up.'

Mohamed higher than Jesus!
Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his
delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room
where he meets this truly magnificent looking man
with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps as he is by now,
totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega,
but you look exhausted.
Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!'
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out:
'Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!'

Keep your trust in God;
your president is an idiot.

 

[moreluck]

Investment Opportunity .......

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....


A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan .


He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.


It's doing well.


He says prophets are going through the roof.

 

[moreluck]

CLASSROOM JUSTICE............

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor was not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.

The class rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it turned out, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

It became almost daily practice for students to take target practice at the clock - since this particular professor was not the most punctual, and many of the students considered him severely "absent-minded." A few well aimed erasers, and lo and behold, 15 minutes passed on the clock, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told the students "You have 1 hour on-the-clock to complete the exam."

The professor then proceeded to collect all the erasers from around the room he could find, and then gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the exam and collected all the exam papers

 

[moreluck]

Last Kiss . . .

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers

were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee
Dee
River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of
53, gets
off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who
was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin'
up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm
going to commit suicide!!"



While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't
want to miss this
"be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well,
before you jump, Honey-
Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best
last kiss?"



So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing
and did just that ...
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed
immediately by another even
better one. After they breathlessly finished,
George gets a big thumbs-up
approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers,
and even the State Trooper, and
then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I
have ever had! That's a real talent
you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You
could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."



It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[Operational needs]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately... began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain."
"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

 

[Operational needs]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They made love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings.

Since it's the woman's house, she picks it up. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

[Operational needs]

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper, Mister?" "A bird," the guy said. The little girl walked away and he fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital with tremendous pain. when the Cops asked him what happened, the guy said, " I don't know. I was at the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is, I'm here." The cops went back to the beach, found the girl and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a long pause, she replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spits on me, so I broke it's neck, cracked it's eggs, and set it's nest on fire."

 

[Operational needs]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week lat...er the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

 

[Operational needs]

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

 

[moreluck]

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure the kids
took it.



Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need
expert advice.



I'm taking off Friday so I can get an early
start on my two days of dreading Monday.



Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her
that way.





*<[:{ ) Ho Ho Ho !!

 

[moreluck]

BOOBS.....proof that men can focus on two things at once.

I'm not short ! God only lets things grow until they are perfect. Some of us didn't take as long as others.

I drank so much beer last night. When I walked across the dance floor to get another glass.....I won the dance contest !

All grandchildren are brilliant and beautiful and obviously take after their grandmother.
I'm not short, I'm 'fun size' .

 

[moreluck]

Irony


Two Statements that speak volumes:


Irony 1.


“We are told NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics."


BUT on the other hand, "We are also encouraged TO judge ALL Gun Owners by the actions of a few lunatics. "How is that supposed to work.....?????



Irony 2.



The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to
be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever to
47 million people as of the most recent figures available in 2013



Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior,
asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."



Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts
and will not learn to take care of themselves."



Thus Ends Today's Lesson On Irony

 

[moreluck]

Our son came home from college for the weekend and I asked him, "How are things going?"

He said, "Good."

I said, "And the dormitory?"

He said, "Good."

I said, "They've always had a strong football team. How do you think they'll do this year?"

He said, "Good."

I said, "Have you decided on your major yet?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "What is it?"

He said "Communications."

 

[moreluck]

Today's Mood: Bitchy with a chance of sarcasm.

I'm not getting older. I'm becoming a classic.

It's not that I'm that old....your music really does suck !

The world needs grandmas cause those grandkids aren't going to spoil themselves.

When you hear a southern girl say....."Ahh hell no ".....You better run !

You are about to exceed the limits of my medcation.

 

[RockinRobin]

A young UPS Driver is about to leave a package near the front door when a surprisingly good looking woman in her 50's opens the door to greet him.

She smiles and says "Hey good looking. Are you interested in a little Mother/Daughter action?"

The young UPS Driver, shocked but noticing how attractive she is for her age says, "I'm not supposed to, but what the heck. It's been a long day. I'm willing if you ladies are!"

The lady smiles, turns her head and yells into the house "Maw, I got another young UPS Driver for you!"

 

[moreluck]

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway ??

I'm not as old as dirt.....but I do remember when they invented mud.

FISHING: An acquired skill involving baiting, casting, trolling and jiggling while at the same time cussing, swatting, sweating and drinking.

When challenged to do something physical, I exercise my right to refuse.

 

[IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U]

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway ??

I'm not as old as dirt.....but I do remember when they invented mud.

FISHING: An acquired skill involving baiting, casting, trolling and jiggling while at the same time cussing, swatting, sweating and drinking.

When challenged to do something physical, I exercise my right to refuse.

My favorite is press 1 for Spanish press 2 for English..WTF! I walked into Sears (yes they r still in business for now) I was looking at all the sale signs........Top words in Spanish, bottom words in English. I got so ticked off I walked out of the store!

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

My favorite is press 1 for Spanish press 2 for English..WTF! I walked into Sears (yes they r still in business for now) I was looking at all the sale signs........Top words in Spanish, bottom words in English. I got so ticked off I walked out of the store!

Our center borders Canada yet our bilingual info notices are in English and Spanish. The only Hispanics that we have locally are incarcerated.

 

[moreluck]

Same thing happened when I first moved to CA. We always bought Charmin T.P.......went to the store and the package of Charmin was all in Spanish. We've been using quilted Northern since .

 

[IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U]

Same thing happened when I first moved to CA. We always bought Charmin T.P.......went to the store and the package of Charmin was all in Spanish. We've been using quilted Northern since .

We still live in the United States? or did Mexico buy us out?