Jokes
- Thread starter DS
- Start date
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
Wu*?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Oh, did I offend your love of sheep or Western Union (WU)? Sorry Bo Peep!
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
I'm just trying to figure out what was funny about that "joke".
moreluck
golden ticket member
Why do you come to the jokes sections everyday and stress yourself over something as silly as what's funny and what's not. If you don't get a joke, maybe it's over your head.
Someday you'll "get" the jokes. In the meantime, just go play with your sheep.
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
I seriously doubt that you could ever post anything, whether it be your thoughts (unlikely) or the thoughts of others (highly likely), that would ever be "over my head".
I find it sad that you have a "joke book" on your nightstand from which you "borrow" the "joke of the day" to post here for your own amusement as very few members actually take the time to read them.
moreluck
golden ticket member
There are thousands of joke sites at my dispoal.....I don't own a joke book , so you aren't as smart as you let on. One thing that isn't on my nightstand is an alarm clock!!! The is only a lamp there....sorry to disappoint you. How do you know what "most members" read??? Who died and made you spokesperson for the entire group? Your just a regular Miss Congeniality !!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Q: What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A: A Candy Baa.
Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that's in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.
Q: What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
A: A b-aa-aa-aa-d situation.
Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: "Fleece Navidad!"
Q: How many sheep does it take to knit a sweater?
A: Don't be silly - sheep can't knit!
Q: What animal sounds like a sheep but isn't?
A: A baaaa-boon!
Q: What do you call a dancing sheep?
A: A baa-lerina!
Q: What do you call a sheep that is always quiet?
A: A shhhheep!
Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.
Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine?
A: An animal that can sew its own sweaters.
A: A Candy Baa.
Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a moody cow?
A: An animal that's in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.
Q: What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
A: A b-aa-aa-aa-d situation.
Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: "Fleece Navidad!"
Q: How many sheep does it take to knit a sweater?
A: Don't be silly - sheep can't knit!
Q: What animal sounds like a sheep but isn't?
A: A baaaa-boon!
Q: What do you call a dancing sheep?
A: A baa-lerina!
Q: What do you call a sheep that is always quiet?
A: A shhhheep!
Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.
Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine?
A: An animal that can sew its own sweaters.
moreluck
golden ticket member
When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when
the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."
As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the
store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb
or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when
the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."
As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the
store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb
or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door.
Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Ponderings :
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
moreluck
golden ticket member
A small-town country boy gets a scholarship to Harvard. During his first week on campus, when he's still learning to get around the place, he's trying to find the library to meet up with a study group. While wandering around, he sees an older, distinguished-looking man walking by. Figuring that the man is a professor, or otherwise associated with the school, he decides to ask him for directions.
"Excuse me," he asks, "do you know where the library is at?"
The man stops, looks at him, and sniffs, "Son, at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition".
"OK. Do you know where the library is at,
?"
"Excuse me," he asks, "do you know where the library is at?"
The man stops, looks at him, and sniffs, "Son, at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition".
"OK. Do you know where the library is at,
?"
