Jokes

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

Did you hear the one about the spouse of the presumptive GOP presidential nominee who plagiarized the 2008 Democrat Convention speech of our current First Lady?

It wouldn't surprise me to learn that Old n Gray wrote the speech-----he hasn't had an original thought in years.

 

[oldngray]

Did you hear the one where Dave thought he was funny?

(apparently thoughts are only "original" if they are the same as Daves)

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Did you hear the one where Dave thought he was funny?

(apparently thoughts are only "original" if they are the same as Daves)

...or Dan's!

 

[moreluck]

Ponderings:

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

 

[moreluck]

View attachment 89211

So your post is nothing?? Good job!

 

[IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U]

So your post is nothing?? Good job!

Because he doesn't have any fluff?

 

[cosmo1]

I'm guessing he had second thoughts about it.

Why is isn't Davey/Dan on forced ignore of OnG and Moreluck?

 

[moreluck]

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so thelittle boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

[moreluck]

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.



1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

 

[moreluck]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

[moreluck]

"My wife lost her credit card," the man told his friend.
"Have you informed the bank?"
"No, the thief is spending much less than she does!"

 

[DougHeffernan]

 

[IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U]

Is that all you got?
Where is @HEFFERNAN ?
What have you done with him?

 

[moreluck]

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

 

[moreluck]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to buzz off!!!!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!