Jokes
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moreluck
golden ticket member
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."
The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."
The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
moreluck
golden ticket member
On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, NeilArmstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.
His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step ForMan, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard ByMillions.
But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark"good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some RivalSoviet Cosmonaut.
However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian OrAmerican Space Programs.
Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "goodLuck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.
On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While Answering QuestionsFollowing A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question ToArmstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.
Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.
In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was PlayingBaseball With A Friend In The Backyard.
His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By TheBedroom Windows.
His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. GorskyShouting At Mr. Gorsky.
"Sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On TheMoon!"
His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step ForMan, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard ByMillions.
But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark"good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some RivalSoviet Cosmonaut.
However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian OrAmerican Space Programs.
Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "goodLuck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.
On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While Answering QuestionsFollowing A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question ToArmstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.
Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.
In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was PlayingBaseball With A Friend In The Backyard.
His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By TheBedroom Windows.
His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. GorskyShouting At Mr. Gorsky.
"Sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On TheMoon!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'
'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'
moreluck
golden ticket member
Great truths about life that adults have learned...
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles".
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles".
moreluck
golden ticket member
An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in Korea for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good time.
He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan.
One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?"
He replies, "Rick Venus"
She says, "Lick Penus?"
He says, "Sure how much?"
He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan.
One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?"
He replies, "Rick Venus"
She says, "Lick Penus?"
He says, "Sure how much?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard
moreluck
golden ticket member
A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”
moreluck
golden ticket member
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl's name is?
ME: Hmmm. Is it a consonant or a vowel? (silence ensues). Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You're no fun, Dad. Forget it.
ME: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is ...ahh...eh...well, oh...uh...
ME: Close enough !
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl's name is?
ME: Hmmm. Is it a consonant or a vowel? (silence ensues). Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You're no fun, Dad. Forget it.
ME: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is ...ahh...eh...well, oh...uh...
ME: Close enough !
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
You need a new joke book---this one is broken.
moreluck
golden ticket member
tell it to the Reader's Digest, Nancy
moreluck
golden ticket member
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear
