Jokes

[moreluck]

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

 

[moreluck]

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority who somehow believe one can pick up by its clean end.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.

 

[moreluck]

Moses: “How are we going to get across the sea? The Egyptians are close behind us!”General of the army: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build our own bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time for that.”Admiral of the navy: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.”Public relations officer: “I don’t have a solution, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of here, I’ll get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!”

 

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[moreluck]

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

 

[moreluck]

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

 

[moreluck]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about
men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[moreluck]

There was a barber who paid close attention at his parish whenever the topic of evangelization was discussed. He thought he should be doing more to share his faith with his customers.The next morning the barber told the Lord in prayer, “Today I’m going to witness to the first customer who walks through my door.”A man came in as he opened his shop and said, “I need a shave.” The barber said, “Yes sir! Just have a seat and I’ll be right with you.” The barber went in the back and prayed a quick prayer saying, “Lord, the first customer just came in and I’m going to witness to him. Give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say. Amen.”Then the barber came out with his straight razor in one hand and a Bible in the other and told his customer, “I have a question for you: Are you ready to meet your Maker?”

 

[moreluck]

The caterer was consulting with a woman about throwing a birthday party for her 72-year-old husband.
"Is it a surprise?" the caterer asked.
"Oh, no," answered the woman. "My husband knows he's going to be 72."

 

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[moreluck]

Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed.

After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis.

The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."

 

[moreluck]

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California wil to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[moreluck]

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

 

[moreluck]

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
   
2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
   
3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
   
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
   
5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
   
6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
   
7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
   
8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

 

[moreluck]

“When you purchase stuff south of the border, you don't Peso much.”

 

[moreluck]

The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

 

[moreluck]

California Crazy Law

• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

• Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

• Bathhouses are against the law.

• In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

• Women may not drive in a house coat.

• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
  Arcadia

• Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
  Alhambra

• You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
  Baldwin Park

• Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
  Belvedere

• City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
  Blythe

• You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
  Burlingame

• It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
  Carmel

• Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

• Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
  Chico

• Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
  Downey

• It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
  Hollywood

• It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
  Lafayette

• You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
  Lodi

• It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
  Lompoc

• It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
  Long Beach

• It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

• Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
  Los Angeles

• Toads may not be licked.

• You may not hunt moths under a street light.

• It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

• You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

• Zoot suits are prohibited.

• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
  Ontario

• Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
  Pacific Grove

• Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
  Palm Springs

• It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
  Pasadena

• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
  Prunedale

• Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
  Redlands

• Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
  Riverside

• One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
  San Diego

• The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

• It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
  San Francisco

• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

• Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

• It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
  San Jose

• It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
  Santa Monica

• You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
  Temecula

• Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times

 

[moreluck]

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

 

[moreluck]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking,
their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it.'
'Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other.
'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way --
'Take a clean dish...''