Jokes

[moreluck]

Four guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and comes to breakfast the next morning with hair a mess and eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said: "Man, what happened to you?"

He said: Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night, it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said: "Man what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said: "Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn't do anything but sit up and watch him all night."

The third night was Rich's turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.

They asked: "Man, what happened?"

He said: "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his behind and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.

 

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[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

The saying is "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish."

 

[moreluck]

The saying is "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish."

There's your 'after retirement' calling.....joke re-writer for dogs. The relief must feel wonderful! I'm sure the herd made a good live audience for you.

 

[moreluck]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

 

[moreluck]

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

 

[moreluck]

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate

 

[moreluck]

A man being tried for murder happens to know one of the jurors. Before jury deliberation, the man finds a way to contact his friend and emphatically demands that he vote for life in prison with the possibility of parole. The friend agrees.
The jury deliberates for a week and returns a verdict of guilty with life imprisonment. The convicted man phones his friend and asks why it took so long for the verdict.
His friend says, 'It took me a long time to convince the other jurors for life imprisonment.'
'Why is that?'
'Because they wanted to acquit you!'

 

[moreluck]

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light.
Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

 

[moreluck]

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

 

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[moreluck]

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

 

[moreluck]

You might be a redneck...

Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon.
The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

 

[moreluck]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't rememberp, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over Thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine inches now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

[moreluck]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were

asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered

today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text

their husband:


"I love you, sweetheart."


Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they

received in response to their message.


Below are hilarious 12 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a

sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


1. Who the hell is this?


2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?


3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?


4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?


5. I don't understand what you mean?


6. What the hell did you do now?


8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?


9. Am I dreaming?


10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.


11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.


12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?



Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it

 

[moreluck]

I AM A SEENAGER (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.
• I don’t have to go to school or work.
• I get an allowance every month.
• I have my own pad.
• I don’t have a curfew.
• I have a driver’s license and my own car.
• And I don’t have acne.
Life is Good!

 

[moreluck]

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zookeepers put up a ten-foot fence. Didn't matter - he was out the next morning. So, a 20 foot fence was put up. Again, he got out.

When the fence was 40 feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "A thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night."

 

[moreluck]

Biblical Puns....

Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson's house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didn't Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn't want to split hairs.