Jokes

[moreluck]

Sam had proposed to young Lisa and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Sam, "I am."
"Well," said Lisa's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us."

 

[moreluck]

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!"
"Will I meet her at a party?" he asks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

 

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[AsweetGirl]

TRUE STORY-
In high school I worked front counter/lobby at a franchise diner. It was my duty to keep the dinning area perfect and our guests happy. There were 36 plant baskets that hung from the ceiling. During our slow times I'd make sure the crumbs were off the floor and I would bring a step ladder out and move it around the lobby to water every single plant. It was a lot of work but someone had to do it.
A few months into the job my boss asks me what I'm doing, as I'm standing out on the step ladder, watering the plants I explain, then she tells me the plants are fake.

 

[moreluck]

 

[AsweetGirl]

How do billboards talk?

SIGN language.

I hurt my foot driving the other day... do you know who I called?

The TOE company.


What kind of hair do they sell at IHOP?

EGGstensions.


When does a sandwich cook?


When it's BAKIN' lettuce and tomato.

 

[AsweetGirl]

This is actually very inspirational.

 

[moreluck]

This is actually very inspirational.

well, it is Sunday after all!

 

[AsweetGirl]

well, it is Sunday after all!

Amen!

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

 

[moreluck]

http://www.etsy.com/listing/68941041/little-bloodsuckers-button

 

[moreluck]

White House Press Conference......

During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps, "Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?"
Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded, "We've found a very secure place and I'm certain they won't be found."
"And just where is that?", said the reporter, sarcastically.
Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said, "They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration."

Next question?

 

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[moreluck]

Dating a Nun...

Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from 'Carnival' pleasures.

 

[moreluck]

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

 

[moreluck]

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.
"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

 

[moreluck]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

 

[moreluck]