UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
Much like the majority of your "jokes", I fail to see any humor in your latest offering.
Jokes
- Thread starter DS
- Start date
Much like the majority of your "jokes", I fail to see any humor in your latest offering.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Yet you keep reading and commenting on "crap" ???? Don't the sheep need dipped?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.
Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.
Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.
Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.
Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole.A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!" The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination. The game warden just smiled. "It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat,
and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape,
the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste removal facility.
I’m sorry, but due to Obama-Care, they turned you down.”
and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape,
the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste removal facility.
I’m sorry, but due to Obama-Care, they turned you down.”
moreluck
golden ticket member
You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon
- Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
- Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
- Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
- Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
- Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
- Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
- Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
- Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
- Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
- "Jaws of Life" in trunk.
- The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
- When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"
- You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.
- Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.
- The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
moreluck
golden ticket member
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs..."AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again..."PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying...they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER...TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again..."PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying...they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER...TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....
"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
moreluck
golden ticket member
When the gambler wakes up from dreaming about a huge glowing number 5 made of gold and diamonds, he knows it's an omen. So he grabs a racing form and looks up that day's fifth race. Sure enough, the number 5 horse in the fifth race is Fifth Element. So for the rest of the day he does everything in fives: He eats five bowls of cereal for breakfast, goes for a five-mile run, takes a five minute shower, and wears the fifth jacket he finds in his closet.
At the racetrack, he buys five programs, bets $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race, and sits in the fifth seat of the fifth row of the bleachers in section five.
And when the gun goes off, he settles in and watches his horse come in fifth.
At the racetrack, he buys five programs, bets $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race, and sits in the fifth seat of the fifth row of the bleachers in section five.
And when the gun goes off, he settles in and watches his horse come in fifth.
moreluck
golden ticket member
WIFE WANTS THE TRUTH FROM HUSBAND....
Wife--"Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon."
Husband--"I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."
Wife--"I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband--"Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped into the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it, then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it, one beer turned into three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by hand. Now I'm in her room...clothes are flying...the talking stopped...and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jump up, throw my clothes on, run to the car, and here I am.
There.
You wanted the truth...you got it.
Wife--"Bull
! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"
Wife--"Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon."
Husband--"I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."
Wife--"I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband--"Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped into the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it, then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it, one beer turned into three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by hand. Now I'm in her room...clothes are flying...the talking stopped...and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jump up, throw my clothes on, run to the car, and here I am.
There.
You wanted the truth...you got it.
Wife--"Bull
! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
News headlines .......
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Air Head Fired
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deer Kill 17,000
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Air Head Fired
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Deer Kill 17,000
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
War Dims Hope for Peace
moreluck
golden ticket member
A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
