One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Taking a Message


Tatiana, who was not quite four years old, decided to pick up the ringing phone while her mom was taking care of the baby.

She answered it and Mr. Brown on the other end asked for her mom. "I'm sorry, mommy can't come to the phone right now. Can I take a message?"

After a pause, Mr. Brown heard, "O.K., I'm ready. Who is this did you say?"

"Mr. Brown."

"How do you spell Brown?"

"B-r-o-w-n."

A long pause, and then, "How do you make a B?"

 

[moreluck]

Just Wait


A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

 

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A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

 

[moreluck]

Father Goose Story No. 9
Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he shared with them. As will happen, one day he died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they ousted him. This is a truly significant event, because it's the first time a reign was called on account of the game.

 

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I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.

After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said,

"You look better in person than you do on paper."

 

[moreluck]

Definitions

You know what the definitions of neurosis and psychosis are, don't you?

A neurotic builds castles in the air.

A psychotic lives in 'em.

And a psychiatrist or psychologist collects the rent.

 

[moreluck]

Truck Collision


Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied....

 

[moreluck]

Last Chance


A man driving in southern Indiana saw a sign that read, "LAST CHANCE FOR $3.99 GAS."

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"

"Three fifty."

 

[moreluck]

Yeah I Know


There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen.

The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

 

[moreluck]

How do mathematicians scold their children ?

"If I've told you x times, I've told you x+1 times....."


Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers ?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

 

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Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens ?

Because all they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."

 

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C, E-flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors ."

 

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A sign at a music shop: "Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet."

 

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If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

 

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I recently stumbled upon my favorite new sports team. It's a woman's bowling squad called...I can't believe it's not gutter.

 

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If you've seen me impatiently standing in line, then you've seen me dancing at a concert.

 

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On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

 

[moreluck]

Usual Tip


After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bubba's trailer house, Bubba asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Bubba. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked Bubba.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

 

[moreluck]

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

 

[moreluck]

Good News, Bad News


The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, “I've got good news and bad news. First, the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear.”

The troops started cheering at the news.

“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy...”