One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Lean On Me


One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

 

[moreluck]

 

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Sex after surgery
A recent article in the New York Times reported that Nancy Pelosi, has sued Walter Reed Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:
"Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct his eyesight."

 

[moreluck]

Groaner Alert


Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient woke up, sat up and demanded to know what was going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon replied.

The patient grabbed his hand and said, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor handed him the needle and said, "Suture self."

 

[moreluck]

I told my mother-in-law my house was her house, and she said "Get the hell off my property." ~Joan Rivers~

 

[moreluck]

YES



The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?


The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.


The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?


Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

 

[moreluck]

"I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again." ~Joan Rivers~

 

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Can a 3-D printer make ink cartridges for a 2-D printer ?

 

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I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So, they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.

 

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Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture


Husband was throwing knives at his wife's picture. All the knives were missing the target!

Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"

His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

 

[moreluck]

Habit of Talking in Sleep


A lady to doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

Dr: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake."

 

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Did you hear about the cell phone wedding ? The ceremony was fantastic, but the reception was terrible.

 

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How Do You Like...?


The young woman really thought she'd been very patient through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.


One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant.


As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"


Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."

 

[moreluck]

None Whatsoever


During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a prospective juror some questions.

"Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?"

"None whatsoever," Ferguson answered.

"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.

"Certainly not in this case."

 

[moreluck]

Animals Thoughts:


Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."


Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"


Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"


Goldfish: "The wimpy knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"



Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Dog: "Human legs that just tease."


Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"


Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

 

[moreluck]

A question had appeared in a student's medical examination which read: "List four benefits of breast milk."

A student began to answer the question:
1. No need to bottle it.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

But the fourth point eluded him.

When there were barely a couple of minutes before the exam ended, the fourth point flashed before his mind. So he completed the answer by writing: 4. Available in attractive containers.

 

[moreluck]

Patience Of A Saint

It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber. Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you."


She breathed a sigh of relief.


He went on, "What do you think about me?"

 

[moreluck]

Play Wedding



A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing wedding." The wedding vows went like this:


You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present.


You may kiss the bride."

 

[moreluck]

Ladies Vs. Real Women #2


Ladies: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.


Real Woman: Leftover wine??

 

[moreluck]

Good News & Bad News



Woman calls her husband at work.


Husband: "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."


Wife: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."


Husband: "Okay, darling, but as I've got very little time now, so just give me the good news."


Wife: "Well, the air bag works."