One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

You Don't Scare Me


A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.


"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married your sister."

 

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After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, "No hablo ingles."

 

[moreluck]

Perfect Mate

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

 

[moreluck]

Buffalo Snow

While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."

The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"

 

[moreluck]

Infant Scale


At a pharmacy, a woman of questionable intelligence asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

 

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A Beautiful Young Girl

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic, "Next semester in her biology class."

 

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Dishonest Mechanic

A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic.

When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything okay with your car now?"

Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was twenty dollars worth of blinker fluid."

 

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Male Obesity

A local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

"Did you read the paper?" he asked.

"I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."

 

[moreluck]

Fire Truck Dalmatian

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

 

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What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A sister-in-law.

 

[moreluck]

Last Requests

Sometime after William died, his widow, Beatrice, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"William thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside and handed me three envelopes. 'Bea,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know William is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged William a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."

Holding her hand in the air showing off her ten carat diamond ring, Beatrice said, "So, do you like my stone?"

 

[moreluck]

His First Country Visit

It was little Michael's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him.

Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother.

"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"

 

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A Perfect Manhattan

Bob got a new job as a bartender. A patron ordered a Manhattan.

When Bob served the drink, there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass. "What in the world is this?" asked the man.

Bob peered into the glass and replied, "That's Central Park."

 

[moreluck]

Books & Authors

HOW TO WRITE BIG BOOKS by Warren Peace

I LOST MY BALANCE by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

THE GERMAN BANK ROBBERY by Hans Zupp

I HATE THE SUN by Gladys Knight

PRISON SECURITY by Barb Dwyer

 

[moreluck]

Intense Gestures

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

 

[moreluck]

Extinction


Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.

 

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I'm not short, I'm fun size !!

 

[moreluck]

The Leaf


A little old man was escorted into the witness box.

After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.

After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."

 

[moreluck]

"Lead me not into temptation..." Oh hell, just follow me, I know a shortcut!

 

[moreluck]

Emergency Call

Dad's cell phone text message notification went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist.

As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing. Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.

Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.