One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

On Guard


A very rich man kept a pair of lions to guard his property. Each of them took turns being on duty.

One night, a group of midgets tried to rob him but the lion on patrol caught them and ate them.

When the police arrived, the sergeant asked skeptically, "Well, so where is this group of midgets you say broke in ?"

The rich man pointed proudly to his guardians and said, "It's all in the lion of duty."

 

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Changing Majors

A friend of mine has a daughter who started out as a psych major then switched to English Lit.

After that, she tried pre-law, which was followed by international affairs, history, and at present, she's in philosophy.

She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit.

 

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Q: What do you call a steak that's been knighted by the queen ?
A: Sir Loin.

Q: Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur's table ?
A: Sir Cumference.

 

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Sometimes

Our phone number is similar to one for a bus depot.

We discovered this in the middle of one night when the phone rang and my groggy wife answered. After a pause she said,
"Sometimes," and hung up.

When I asked her who had called, she said, "Oh, some guy just wanted to know if I ever go to Denver."

 

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What Would You Do

While making rounds, a doctor pointed out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

 

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You donated what ?! We want to help after a disaster, but sometimes the wrong items are donated.............

- A 200 lb king-size mattress

- Designer shoes and handbags

- Pork for Muslim earthquake victims

-Crates of Red Bull

-Swimsuits

 

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At The Local Auction

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

 

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A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. "Can you tell me what kind it is?" she asked.
"Can you describe it?" I asked.
"Yes," she said. "It's long and thin."

 

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Twenty or Thirty


A man who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.

After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information.

The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

"Just tell me," the golfer persisted," Is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles."

 

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A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

 

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A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and
address. When it came to the entry "length of residence", he wrote: "Approximately 30 feet."

 

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I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
(I know I posted this before, but I think it's funny as hell)

 

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How Old

A young child asked a woman how old she was.

She answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."

The child thought for a moment, then asked, "How old would you be if you let go?"

 

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My phone keeps autocorrecting "exercise" to "dreadful idea". (Rex Huppke)

 

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Thunderstorm at 30,000 Feet

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.

“Can't you do something?” she demanded angrily.

“I'm sorry ma'am,” the reverend said gently, “I'm in sales, not management.”

 

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Paid In Full

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear; "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

 

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Playing Computer Games

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.

In an effort to motivate the boy to focus more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "But Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was President of The United States!"

 

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Persuaded Her To Switch

My sister brought her daughter a really nice Spinet Piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.

"Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," my sister answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."

 

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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.