One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal
- Thread starter moreluck
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moreluck
golden ticket member
groan...
Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
When he spilled coffee on her shirt she showed him dis-stain.
Coffee has bean the grounds of many a heated and strong discussion.
The coffee around here is break fluid.
Is coffee your daily grind?
Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
When he spilled coffee on her shirt she showed him dis-stain.
Coffee has bean the grounds of many a heated and strong discussion.
The coffee around here is break fluid.
Is coffee your daily grind?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Getting A Loan
A woman went to the bank and applied for a loan.
"I want a loan, I'm going to divorce my husband."
"Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says "We make loans for automobiles, businesses, home improvements...."
The woman interrupts and says "Well, this would certainly be a 'Home Improvement
A woman went to the bank and applied for a loan.
"I want a loan, I'm going to divorce my husband."
"Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says "We make loans for automobiles, businesses, home improvements...."
The woman interrupts and says "Well, this would certainly be a 'Home Improvement
moreluck
golden ticket member
Stable Defined
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family Bible.
When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.
I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a TV."
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family Bible.
When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.
I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a TV."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Saint Francis
My sister-in-law was married to a prominent surgeon who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area. He would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening.
Once when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital when the other phone rang. My sister-in-law answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."
My sister-in-law was married to a prominent surgeon who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area. He would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening.
Once when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital when the other phone rang. My sister-in-law answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Tell Me of Fate
"Oh, master...tell me of fate."
"Ah, my son...it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, FATE! I thought you said FREIGHT."
"Oh, master...tell me of fate."
"Ah, my son...it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, FATE! I thought you said FREIGHT."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Lost Handbag
A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and returned it to her.
Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy replied, "That IS funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and returned it to her.
Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy replied, "That IS funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
moreluck
golden ticket member
My math book recently saw a psychiatrist -- it kept complaining that it had too many problems. (Sent in by Chris Newton, Thales Academy)
If there is an equal and opposite reaction, then wouldn't all the people who hit the sack go to sleep with black eyes? (Sent in by Chris Newton, Thales Academy)
David Copperfield taught me not to be a "name dropper."
I would gladly trade in my "Caller I.D." for a "Caller I.Q."
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Dig where the gold is, unless you need the exercise.
If there is an equal and opposite reaction, then wouldn't all the people who hit the sack go to sleep with black eyes? (Sent in by Chris Newton, Thales Academy)
David Copperfield taught me not to be a "name dropper."
I would gladly trade in my "Caller I.D." for a "Caller I.Q."
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Dig where the gold is, unless you need the exercise.
moreluck
golden ticket member
It’s So Cold…
· Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.
· Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
· You have to break the smoke off your chimney
· You have to open the fridge to heat the house
· Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass
· Police tell a robber to freeze, and he does
· Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.
· People look forward to getting a fever
· Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears
· I’m shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
· Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.
· Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
· You have to break the smoke off your chimney
· You have to open the fridge to heat the house
· Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass
· Police tell a robber to freeze, and he does
· Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.
· People look forward to getting a fever
· Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears
· I’m shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
moreluck
golden ticket member
What are imitation rhinestones?
Who came up with the word why? And why?
My friend had the 24 hour bug for three days; go figure!
if at first you don't succeed, go back and destroy all evidence that you even tried!
Just great! I finaly get a genuine idea, and someone else thought of it first.
I am having an out of money experience.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
I chose the path less traveled by, but only because I was lost.
If you throw a cat out your car window is it kitty litter?
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
Who came up with the word why? And why?
My friend had the 24 hour bug for three days; go figure!
if at first you don't succeed, go back and destroy all evidence that you even tried!
Just great! I finaly get a genuine idea, and someone else thought of it first.
I am having an out of money experience.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
I chose the path less traveled by, but only because I was lost.
If you throw a cat out your car window is it kitty litter?
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
BrokeDownBrown
Member
Lol!
BrokeDownBrown
Member
U.P.S. stands for Ur Package Sux.
Okay, this is an old one...what happens when you cross FedX with UPS...wait for it....you get FedUp!
Okay, this is an old one...what happens when you cross FedX with UPS...wait for it....you get FedUp!
moreluck
golden ticket member
New Years Eve
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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