One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Crime Stopper

A woman was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

"No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"

 

[BrokeDownBrown]

Crime Stopper

A woman was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

"No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"

Blond?

 

[All Sports]

funny







It's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt!................

 

[moreluck]

Beef Tongue with Onions.......

Customer: "What's the luncheon special today?"

Waiter: "Beef tongue with onions."

Customer: "Oh, yuck!! I could never eat anything that was in a cow's mouth!!"

Waiter: "Very well. What will you have?"

Customer: "Gimme a couple fried eggs."

 

[moreluck]

Alphabet Convention

The alphabet was having a convention.

All the letters were having a wonderful time, except for E. E complained about the food and the hotel's bed. He even told G she had put on weight and looked pregnant. He was getting under everyone's skin.

B and C were talking in the corner. B said to C, "You know what E's problem is? He has irritable vowel syndrome."

 

[moreluck]

Two frogs were asked if they were lying. They almost got away with it, but one croaked.

 

[moreluck]

My son's spelling test consisted of synonyms of the word incorrect. He was able to write every wrong.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa

 

[moreluck]

Q. How do you keep a blonde at home?

A. Build a circular driveway.

 

[moreluck]

It's OK......

A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

 

[moreluck]

The New Baby

A little boy was asked whether he was excited about the new baby his mother was expecting.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

 

[moreluck]

Trying to Attract Some Attention.....

From the deck of a cruise ship, a passenger saw a small island with a bearded man shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that?" the passenger asked the steward.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."

 

[moreluck]

From the Mouths of Babes

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

 

[moreluck]

Q. Your riding a horse at full speed, a giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you and a lion behind you! What do you do???

A. You get your drunk ass off of the carousel !!!

 

[moreluck]

(groan)

Three Bears

Three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears:

"OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to get these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth"

"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!"

"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."

 

[moreluck]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/best_one_liner_jokes.htm

 

[moreluck]

Q: If pilgrims were alive today, what would they say?
A: Do not resuscitate.

Q: What do you call the age of a pilgrim?
A: Pilgrimage.

Q: What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today?
A: Plymouth.

Q:What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach?
A: Puritan.

Q: What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?
A: Pil-grimace.

Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram.

Q: What's a pilgrim's mother called?
A: Pilgranny.

Q: What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary?
A: Pilgrammar.

Q: What do you call the evil being that comes to get pilgrims?
A: Pilgrim Reaper.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Punishment ....

Pupil: "Teacher, can a fellow be punished for something he hasn't done?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Pupil: "That's good, because I haven't done my homework."

 

[moreluck]

Word Fun


The person who invented this sentence is either a Vocabulary GENIUS or is absolutely JOBLESS.

Why?

You’ll soon find out !!!

Read the sentence below carefully…

“I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications incomprehensibleness”.

This is a sentence where the Nth word is N letters long.

e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on up to the 20th word has 20 letters.

 

[moreluck]

Fidel Castro in Heaven


Fidel Castro dies and arrives in heaven. When he gets to the pearly gates Saint Peter says "I'm sorry Castro, but you have to go down to hell." SO castro goes down to hell, and when he gets there the devil greets him and says "Oh we're so glad to have you. Welcome, welcome." A few minutes later Castro says "I forgot my suitcases in heaven." So the devil says "Oh, no problem, I'll send some of my minions to fetch it for you." So when the 2 minions get to heaven they see that Saint Peter is out to lunch and the gates are closed with the suitcases just on the other side. So they decide to climb the fence. Just as they start climbing Saint Peter comes back and sees them so he says "Good god, Castro is in hell for 10 minutes and we already have refugees."