One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Dad's Calling

Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.

Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim’s father returned from his walk and called out, "I’m ready to leave."

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You’re a kid?"

 

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The Message

My dentistry patients are called and reminded the day before their scheduled appointments.

During an office visit, one man was in an especially good humor and explained why. “My staff kids me about the high opinion I have of myself,” he said. “Yesterday your receptionist left a message that had them in stitches.”

He related the memo his secretary had handed him: “Your crown is ready.

 

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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

 

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A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

 

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Very Punny!

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

[moreluck]

The Message

My dentistry patients are called and reminded the day before their scheduled appointments.

During an office visit, one man was in an especially good humor and explained why. “My staff kids me about the high opinion I have of myself,” he said. “Yesterday your receptionist left a message that had them in stitches.”

He related the memo his secretary had handed him: “Your crown is ready."

 

[moreluck]

Another Wife....

At a pre-birth class for couples who had already had at least one child, the instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much, I decided to bring home another wife?'"

One of the women immediately responded, "Does she cook?"

 

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Finally - Warning Labels we can really use:


GOOGLE: Warning, you may find more than what you're looking for.

Apple Computers: Warning ! "High smug advisory."

Wikipedia: Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create one ?

Match.com: Contents may just be settling.

 

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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 spread fingers and says 5 beers please.

 

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Noah.....

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

 

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Paint me with Diamonds....

A woman was having her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings and necklace, a big emerald ring, and a gold brooch with rubies."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife should go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 

[moreluck]

*So I asked my Doctor, "Doctor, what are we going to do about this dangerous virus from Africa?”*



*He said, "I don't know, he has two more years in office.”*

 

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The Moonwalk....

My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?"

"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was that important to you?"

 

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Murder Investigation......

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun? What's a golf gun?'

'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'

 

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Getting To The Other Side....

Derek was walking through the woods when he came to a river. He walked long the bank for a while looking for a way to get across.

After a while he spotted someone else on the opposite bank, so he called out, "How do I get to the other side?"

The other person yelled back, "You ARE on the other side!"

 

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First Visit......


Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City. Being that he had a very complicated health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork and sent it to the doctor's office.

Then came time for his first check up with his new doctor. After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ” Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”

 

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White House Tour.....

A woman went on a tour of the White House.



As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.



"My, what was that"? exclaimed the woman.



"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

 

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The Good Samaritan.......


A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.


She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

 

[moreluck]

The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes.