One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

We Are But Dust.....

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You, we are but dust."

He would have continued, but at that moment, my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust"?

 

[moreluck]

I think animals are better muses than human beings - they'll never fall out of fashion.

 

[moreluck]

Runs In The Family......

As Joan was getting to know Kyle and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Joan said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."


After a time, Joan and Kyle were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Joan again remarked on Kyle's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"


"It sure does," replied Kyle. "And I take after my mom."

 

[moreluck]

Car Trouble....

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."



HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "



WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."



HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"



WIFE: "In the pool"

 

[moreluck]

Dog Haircut....

A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.


"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!" she said.


The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?"

 

[moreluck]

Parking Ticket.....

Recently in traffic court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed policeman had given his okay for the man to park there.


The judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.


The judge then said, "Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he owes you $157. Next."

 

[moreluck]

How Many?



How many personal injury lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Three! One lawyer to change the bulb...



the second to shake him off the ladder...



and the last lawyer to sue the ladder company.

 

[moreluck]

Who's the Boss?


While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"



The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess."



The girl then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

 

[moreluck]

Bible Study.....

In my mature years, I’m finally beginning to understand the Bible! For those who haven’t heard, the State of Washington just passed two laws:

- Same Sex Marriage -
- Legalized Marijuana -

The fact that same-sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
I just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before.

 

[moreluck]

What's The Difference?


First guy: What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue?


Second guy: I don’t know.


First Guy: You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna.


Second Guy: What about the glue.


First Guy: I knew you’d get stuck on that one.

 

[upsbeernut]

What's The Difference?


First guy: What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue?


Second guy: I don’t know.


First Guy: You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna.


Second Guy: What about the glue.


First Guy: I knew you’d get stuck on that one.

CORNEY

 

[moreluck]

Three elderly men are walking through the park.



The first says, "It sure is windy."



The second responds, "No it isn't, it's Thursday."



The third says, "I am too. Let's get something to drink."

 

[moreluck]

The Oldest Profession


A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

 

[moreluck]

Happy 4th


"The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she said.



“One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.”



One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .

“I’m not free. I’m four.”

 

[moreluck]

Geography Lesson


Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.


He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.



One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes Father, but in those days there were only 13 states.

 

[moreluck]

THE CONTEST

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[moreluck]

Deep thoughts.

 

[moreluck]

First Day of Kindergarten


On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."



A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

 

[moreluck]

Career Change



There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"



He said, "I'm a former window washer."



I asked, "When did you give it up?"



He replied, "Halfway down."

 

[moreluck]

Career Change


There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He said, "I'm a former window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."