One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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How'd You Manage That?


A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."


"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."



The lawyer looked somewhat confused, "How do you start a flood?"

 

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Facts Of Life


A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.


Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching.



Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”

 

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Tearjerker


During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying, until she glanced at my grandparents.



My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand.



That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.



After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.



"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," grandmother replied, "but I was just checking his pulse."

 

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Skunks....
I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement.

"Leave a trail of breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it."

An hour later, the woman called back, even more upset. "Now, I have two skunks in my basement!"

 

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The Diagnosis
While making rounds, a doctor pointed out an X-ray to a group of medical students.
"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

 

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Just Checking....

Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back."

He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."

 

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The Night Watchman....

Renee was passing an office building late one night and saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at her, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring the bell yourself?"

 

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Shoe Sense....

One evening Mick drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night Mick and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

 

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Gone Fishing...

Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout. He told the fishmonger, 'Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?'

'Why do you want me to throw them at you?' Asked the salesman?'
So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them.' said Alex.
'Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon.'

Why's that?

'Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That's what she'd

 

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My Summer Vacation...

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations.

She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota,” he said.

“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Ohio.”.

 

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My young son ran to me, crying.
"Daddy, I stubbed my toe," he sobbed.
"Let me kiss it and make it better," I said. "Which toe was it?"
"The one with no roast beef."

 

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