One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

 

[oldngray]

 

[moreluck]

A house divided against itself cannot stand. Wait.....I forgot about duplexes.

 

[moreluck]

The press conference following the Puppy Bowl is so good. Just a bunch of reporters asking, "Who's a good boy?"

 

[moreluck]

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife says, "I love you."
"Is that you or the wine talking?" asks the husband.
"It's me," says the wife, "Talking to the wine."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Driven Crazy......

During the driver's-ed class that my friend taught, a student approached a right turn.

"Use your turn signal," my friend reminded her.

"No one's coming," said the student.

"It doesn't matter. It might help those behind you."

Chastened, the student turned around to the students in the backseat and said, "I'm turning right up ahead."

~Joseph Wagner~

 

[moreluck]

Thanks for the help......

On the last day of the year, my first graders gave me beautiful hand-written letters. As I read them aloud, my emotions got the better of me, and I started to choke up.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm having a hard time reading."
One of my students said, "Just sound it out."

~Cindy Bugg~

 

[ups1990]

Heard some ask ask a women if they had their child by c- section or vaginally?
Didn't know we could use this word.

 

[moreluck]

Heard some ask ask a women if they had their child by c- section or vaginally?
Didn't know we could use this word.

the alternative is "through the Woo Hoo" and that's crazy!!

 

[moreluck]

 

[nayrsiem]

Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to frozen t.v. dinners? His doctor told him he had to quit cold turkey.

 

[moreluck]

The Engineer

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!"

 

[moreluck]

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
'How long have you been bed ridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not
For about twenty years ...back when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

 

[moreluck]

What is the only thing that is easier to pick up the heavier it gets ? ... Women.



You need a girlfriend who is caring, wild and funny... and make sure the three of them never meet.



The doctor diagnoses the man and says "You have alcohol poisoning."
The man replies, "I am going to find and KILL the person who poisoned my drinks!"

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
Checking up on a man who was eating his breakfast, I asked,
' So how's your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for that Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to
Get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly ....and Bob produced a foil packet
Labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

 

[moreluck]

My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bough some slippers.