One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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Jimmy Jr.


Jimmy Jr. came home with great excitement, saying, "Dad! Dad! Coming back from the mall, I ran home behind the bus all the way and saved the eighty-five cent fare."


Jimmy Sr. chided him, and shouted, "Spendthrift! Why didn't you run behind a cab and save $

 

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family enjoying their Christmas in 2014

 

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Self-Improvement


"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night, and more. She taught me to enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, how to dress well and how to invest in the stock market."


"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."


"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

 

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A friend knew that she'd overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six year old woke up to all the booty and shouted, "This is the best Christmas ever!"

 

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[oldngray]

 

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During my third-grade music class, my question, "Does anyone know what a polka is?" was met with blank stares.

So, prompting them, I asked, "Polka is a type of what?"

One student answered,"Dot".

 

[oldngray]

 

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I work out religiously - Christmas and Easter.

 

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Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

 

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MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
~Aaron Karo~

 

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What's Forrest Gump's password ? 1Forrest1

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

 

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Twitter

A man clutching a smart-phone goes to a doctor's office and waits nervously until his name is called.

Once he's in the examining room, he tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

 

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